Priceless little quotes coming out of the AEG party at Club Nokia last night.

From Paris’s mother, Kathy Hilton:

“I think Paris needs to be with someone who is a bit more mature, older and has their own thing.”

And from her aunt, Kyle Richards, who’s definitely more of a famewhore than Kathy:

“The stories out there about our family not approving of their relationship are completely true. Doug was riding Paris’ coattails. The break-up affected me in a good way. It’s definitely time for Paris to move on.”

Oooh, I love it! I’m actually cackling to myself. I am rejoicing in Douche’s pain! Seriously I have had the worst PMS all day and I’ve been so grumpy but suddenly I am happy and all is well in the world again. I hope Kyle decides to extend this particular fifteen minutes a little further by dishing even more dirt about Paris and The Douche.

I’m telling you, whatever John McCain’s campaign paid for that ad comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, it was well worth it. This is by far the most that the anyone’s talked about the Republican candidate since Heidi Montag graced him with her ringing endorsement.

Up now, we have Kathy Hilton — who had previously donated to the McCain campaign — releasing this statement to the Huffington Post:

I’ve been asked again and again for my response to the now infamous McCain celebrity ad. I actually have three responses. It is a complete waste of the money John McCain’s contributors have donated to his campaign. It is a complete waste of the country’s time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs. And it is a completely frivolous way to choose the next President of the United States.

Silly Kathy. If America were in the habit of choosing someone for a position based on his or her merits, we never would have made Paris a celebrity, now would we?

I refuse to believe this is real. I simply refuse.

But now even the Hilton parents are playing along.

Yes, we’re back to Robin Leach’s blog, which you really must check out. It’s a true paragon of Internet design work. And by that I mean he has not done a thing to change the default WordPress theme. Sexy! Seriously, like, if my grandfather decided to create a blog, it would have more bells and whistles than Robin Leach’s. In fact, my grandfather is probably younger than Robin Leach. Okay, look: if my five-year-old cousin decided to create a blog, she’d do a better job at the design than Robin Leach.

But I digress.

“He’s the perfect example of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’,” says Papa Rick Hilton. “He’s polite, well-mannered—even calls me sir! We love him like family already. Benji doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and is a healthy vegan!”

Says Kathy: “He’s changed her life—and I really think she’s genuinely in love for the first time. He’s so good to her and for her. We couldn’t be happier for them. This has honestly become the real thing … Since they’ve been together Paris has changed so much. She’s calmed, stopped running and now has a very real purpose—and it’s beautiful to see two wonderful people so perfect together. It’s a great love match and I have a funny feeling it’s going to go all the way and we’ve already given it our approval!”

Jesus Christ, this can’t be for real. If Paris Fucking Hilton can find true love and I’m still single, I’m just going to adopt eight more cats and give the fuck up on romance. The universe hates me.

Okay, so he’s not exactly a hottie, but, then again, he is Steve Wozniak, a co-founder of Apple.

So homeboy’s fucking loaded.

Rock on, Kathy. You marry that shit, and you’ll have the kind of money Paris Hilton can only dream about.

Wozniak’s been married twice before, and he has two sons from his second marriage. And I would like to meet them.

Nicky Hilton’s fashion line, Nicholai, had its Fashion Week debut on Sunday, but big sis Paris Hilton was absent, choosing instead to attend the VMAs.

Both of Nicky’s parents were there, along with David Katzenberg, Russell Simmons, Bijou Phillips, Jenna Jameson and Brandon Davis, but Paris was nowhere to be seen.

Was Paris just being selfish?

Perhaps she decided to attend the VMAs so that Nicky’s show could be about Nicky, and not about Paris, as anything she comes within 10 miles of tends to be. Maybe — just maybe — Paris was thinking of someone else.