Kathy Griffin was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night and shared a clip of a skit she did that spoofs the Gosselin family. Oh, and she’s got just the most perfect actor on the universe to portray Jon.

“Wah, wah, wah. Here, drink the tears of fame.” She cracks me up!

Courtesy of People.com

While filming a sketch for Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kathy Griffin hit up the uber hip and swank pool at the Roosevelt Hotel dressed up as one of our regular targets here at EvilBeet, Ms Kate Gosselin. Hilarious. I actually nearly spit Diet Coke all over my screen when I saw her get up, complete with c-section scar. Apparently the clueless hipsters, rich kids and elderly people that frequent the pool were just as taken aback as well, except they actually thought Griffin WAS Gosselin. “Kate who? Just call me Kathy Gosselin. All I need now is a sexy bodyguard,” People Magazine quoted the funny lady as saying. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a little rant about an episode of Kathy Griffin’s show where Paris Hilton said she never performs a certain sexual act that we’ve all seen her perform multiple times on video.

What I didn’t mention was that during that same episode, Kathy & Paris’s trip was interrupted by Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of New Jersey York. The show made it seem as though Jill had just burst in on them and then wanted to tag along all day. Not so, claimed Jill, when I caught up with her at the 3 Olives party last night and grilled her about it.

“What happened is I was out there visiting colleges, and I was shopping on Robinson and I ran into their film crew and they were like, ‘Oh, Paris and Kathy are going to be here shopping, do you want to be in it?’ And I was like, ‘Sure, why not!’ And I walked into the store and we just gossiped and then I went to see American Idol. That’s why I was all dressed up – I was on my way to American Idol. So Kathy made that up when she said I wanted to keep shopping with them. I was going to see the Idol taping.”

I asked her what she thought about seeing Idol in person: “I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t what I was expected. I wasn’t a big fan of any one performer in particular — they’re all talented — but being inside the studio it wasn’t that impressive. It looks different on TV.”

I guess everything looks different on TV. Jill was kind and personable and not at all annoying when I chatted with her. Oh, and the reason she was looking at colleges? For her teenage daughter, who tagged along with her to the party and who I later spotted partying in the VIP area.

Meanwhile, Jessie from NYC Prep showed up and tried to walk the red carpet but got turned away … because she’s not 21 yet. Maybe if she had a famous mom?

First off, if you’re not watching My Life on the D-List, you’re missing out on one of the best shows on TV. Kathy Griffin is a comedic genius, just hands-down hilarious. In last night’s episode, she was trying to expand her fan base by getting in with “young Hollywood,” and, to do that, she went shopping with Paris Hilton.

This was all going reasonably well, with Paris being no more obnoxious than the absolute minimum we can expect from her (”Sorry, I just like to pose while I stand”), when Paris decides, with no leading on the part of Kathy, to weigh in on the very pressing issue of blow jobs: “I never do that. My mom always taught me, ‘Only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.’” Ummmmm, really, Paris? (In case you couldn’t guess, that link is NSFW.)

Later in the show, Kathy asks how tall she is, and she says she’s 5′8″. I know that’s the standard party line for Paris’s height, but I’ve seen the girl in person without heels, and I have a really hard time believing she’s taller than I am (I’m 5′7″ … for reals). In fact, I have a hard time believing she’s taller than about 5′5″. I’ve stood next to Nicky on more than one occasion, and that girl’s exactly five feet tall, on a good day. If you look at pictures of Paris and Nicky next to each other, without shoes on, like this one, it’s pretty hard to believe that she’s that much taller than her sister.

And it brings us back to the time she told Larry King she’d never ever ever done drugs in her life, despite the countless leaked photos of her doing drugs. Why does this girl insist on publicly lying about things that can be easily proven to be lies? What sort of bizarre, narcissistic world does she live in where she can just say whatever and assume the whole world will believe it to be true despite tremendous evidence to the contrary? It is so annoying. Equally as annoying as the assumption that oral sex is for ugly people. Maybe, just maybe, it’s for people who actually care about finding multiple ways to pleasure their partner, because they have some sort of awareness that other people exist and have value. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU, PARIS?

Here’s the latest video from Eminem, for his new single titled “We Made You.”

It occurred to me as I was watching this that Eminem is basically the rapper version of Kathy Griffin. Like, while all the other rappers are talking about fighting with the cops and makin’ it in the ‘hood and gettin’ shot down, Eminem’s all like, “Okay, okay, okay. So this Lindsay Lohan. She’s lost a lot of weight. Due to diet and Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.” I mean, really, this is just Kathy Griffin’s schtick if you made it rhyme.

I am told by a reader that the man who plays Britney Spears in this video is the same dude who did an impersonation of her on America’s Got Talent last year. I wouldn’t even want to begin the process of confirming that, so I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

Just for fun, I embedded below a clip of Kathy Griffin doing standup about Lindsay Lohan awhile back. Last week, however, the comedienne said she was likely to take Lindsay jokes out of her routine. “I’m more likely to make fun of Lindsay Lohan a year ago,” she says. “She was clubbing every night with the girlfriend and, like, DJing — but now it seems like she’s in the throes of real trouble … It feels like kicking her when she’s down. Believe it or not, I might kind of take her out for the time being. That’s a little hard to find the comedy in.”

Thanks Tako!

NOT TOO SHABBY, Miz Griffin.

Word on the street is that the rights to a memoir Kathy Griffin is writing sold at auction last week to an editor at Random House’s Ballantine imprint for more than $2 million.

That is NOT a D-list figure, dear.

I’m actually very curious to read this book. It would be cool to get a sense of what Kathy’s early life was like, and how she wound up being such a hilarious woman. That kind of funny is never the result of a happy, drama-free childhood.

Would you guys buy the Kathy Griffin memoir?

Stay tuned until the very end.

Thanks Matthew!

The funny lady has moved one step closer to her goal of winning a Grammy, as her comedy album, For Your Consideration, was nominated for Best Comedy Album at the Grammy nomination ceremony tonight. CONGRATS KATHY!!! You deserve it!!!

Somehow the Jonas Brothers were nominated in the Best New Artist category. WTF??? First: they suck and Second: They’ve been around way longer than 2008.

In fact, all the Best New Artist noms kind of suck: Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, Jazmine Sullivan … uh, where’s Katy Perry? Colbie Callait? Sara Bareilles? Stupid.

The full list of nominees is here.

VOTE NO ON PROP 8, CALIFORNIANS!!!!

DON’T LEGALIZE HATE!

My personal idol — well, okay, she’s kind of tied with Chelsea Handler right now — Kathy Griffin, won an Emmy for the second year in a row for her now-inappropriately named My Life on the D-List. I don’t care what anyone else says about you, Kathy — I think you’re a genius and a role model, and so do the Emmy voters. The vid above is of Kathy being a riot in the press room after winning. You’ll recall that last year, in her acceptance speech, Kathy told Jesus to suck it (around here, we just think He’s a sexy bitch). This year, she thought better of it: “I thank you so much,” she said onstage, “I’m not going to tell anybody to suck it.”

Another female comedic genius and barrier-destroyer, Sarah Silverman, took home the award for original music and lyrics for her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” song, thanking ex-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel in her speech. “And to the person for whom this was made, Jimmy Kimmel, who broke my heart … oops … I mean, who will always have a place in my heart,” she said.

Next year, I plan to win in the music and lyrics category, for my in-progress ditty about my naughty pool-repair fantasies titled “I Want Michael Phelps’s Caulk.”

Cynthia Nixon won for guest actress in a drama for her stint as a woman with multiple personalities on Law & Order: SVU, although she didn’t show up to receive her award. The Simpsons took home their 10th Emmy for half-hour animated series and South Park won for hour-long animated series.

You can see a full list of winners here.

“We were dating,” says Kathy about her relationship with billionaire Steve Wozniak, “but were just friendly. I never fucked him or anything! The truth is, we really were friends the whole time.”

Aw, Steve Wozniak looks like such a sweet little teddy bear, but, I have to admit, even for a shot at his billions, I probably wouldn’t have let him toss it in, either. He just doesn’t do it for me, ya know? I think it’s the fact that he actually looks like a teddy bear. Beady little eyes, fuzzy face, all of that. I mean, everyone loves their teddy bear, but no one wants to have sex with it. Unless you were one of those girls that grew up using their stuffed animals to masturbate. I knew a lot of chicks who did that. It never stopped striking me as strange, and I just think it explains a lot about their problems as adults.

What was I talking about? Certainly nothing more important than a discussion of using stuffed animals for masturbation …

Oh, right, Kathy Griffin.

“When we went to the Emmys together, I put on this really huge engagement ring and didn’t tell him,” she said. “There are these great photos of me posing with this great big fake diamond ring. He didn’t notice! I was like, ‘Oh, by the way at the Emmys, I had on a fake engagement ring!’ And he was like, ‘Oh, that’s very funny.’”

After Kathy and Steve split up, he got engaged to another chick. “I have had dinner with them, and she’s a thousand times more appropriate!” she said. “I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I’m the Bruce!”

I don’t know what that means. Is she saying that Ashton Kutcher is more appropriate for Demi Moore than Bruce Willis? Or is she saying that Steve’s new squeeze is like 26 years old?

Kathy Griffin presided over the wedding ceremony of a New York couple this weekend.

“The request came in, and how could I say no?” she said. “I love that this couple just want to have fun. They’re my kind of people.”

Griffin led the 10-minute wedding ceremony of Brian Anstey and Elka Shapiro by making off-color jokes about the couple’s sex life and forcing the bride to recite the menu.

OMG, I soooo want Kathy Griffin to preside over my wedding. I would totally do it right now, if I had anything even remotely resembling a boyfriend. But I don’t. Anyone want to marry me? We’ll have Kathy Griffin there! Come on! I don’t cook or clean or sew or anything, and you couldn’t fit my emotional baggage into an entire Louis Vuitton store, but over time I have learned to compensate for these shortcomings by being fucking incredible in the sack. Like you know how blind people compensate by having exceptional hearing? Or how ugly girls compensate by being really nice no matter how shitty you treat them? Oral sex is my exceptional hearing. Give me a shot, guys!

Kathy became a minister through the Universal Life Church, who will ordain damn near anyone.

My college boyfriend did this shit and ended up presiding over the wedding of two of our best friends.

In fact, I just did it. No joke. I’m an ordained minister now. So it’s official: EVIL BEET DOES WEDDINGS NOW! If you’re in the LA area and you’d like me to preside over you wedding, just drop me a line. I’m so in. And I PROMISE to make off-color jokes about your sex life. I’m so, so good at that sort of thing.