VOTE NO ON PROP 8, CALIFORNIANS!!!!

DON’T LEGALIZE HATE!

My personal idol — well, okay, she’s kind of tied with Chelsea Handler right now — Kathy Griffin, won an Emmy for the second year in a row for her now-inappropriately named My Life on the D-List. I don’t care what anyone else says about you, Kathy — I think you’re a genius and a role model, and so do the Emmy voters. The vid above is of Kathy being a riot in the press room after winning. You’ll recall that last year, in her acceptance speech, Kathy told Jesus to suck it (around here, we just think He’s a sexy bitch). This year, she thought better of it: “I thank you so much,” she said onstage, “I’m not going to tell anybody to suck it.”

Another female comedic genius and barrier-destroyer, Sarah Silverman, took home the award for original music and lyrics for her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” song, thanking ex-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel in her speech. “And to the person for whom this was made, Jimmy Kimmel, who broke my heart … oops … I mean, who will always have a place in my heart,” she said.

Next year, I plan to win in the music and lyrics category, for my in-progress ditty about my naughty pool-repair fantasies titled “I Want Michael Phelps’s Caulk.”

Cynthia Nixon won for guest actress in a drama for her stint as a woman with multiple personalities on Law & Order: SVU, although she didn’t show up to receive her award. The Simpsons took home their 10th Emmy for half-hour animated series and South Park won for hour-long animated series.

You can see a full list of winners here.

“We were dating,” says Kathy about her relationship with billionaire Steve Wozniak, “but were just friendly. I never fucked him or anything! The truth is, we really were friends the whole time.”

Aw, Steve Wozniak looks like such a sweet little teddy bear, but, I have to admit, even for a shot at his billions, I probably wouldn’t have let him toss it in, either. He just doesn’t do it for me, ya know? I think it’s the fact that he actually looks like a teddy bear. Beady little eyes, fuzzy face, all of that. I mean, everyone loves their teddy bear, but no one wants to have sex with it. Unless you were one of those girls that grew up using their stuffed animals to masturbate. I knew a lot of chicks who did that. It never stopped striking me as strange, and I just think it explains a lot about their problems as adults.

What was I talking about? Certainly nothing more important than a discussion of using stuffed animals for masturbation …

Oh, right, Kathy Griffin.

“When we went to the Emmys together, I put on this really huge engagement ring and didn’t tell him,” she said. “There are these great photos of me posing with this great big fake diamond ring. He didn’t notice! I was like, ‘Oh, by the way at the Emmys, I had on a fake engagement ring!’ And he was like, ‘Oh, that’s very funny.’”

After Kathy and Steve split up, he got engaged to another chick. “I have had dinner with them, and she’s a thousand times more appropriate!” she said. “I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I’m the Bruce!”

I don’t know what that means. Is she saying that Ashton Kutcher is more appropriate for Demi Moore than Bruce Willis? Or is she saying that Steve’s new squeeze is like 26 years old?

Kathy Griffin presided over the wedding ceremony of a New York couple this weekend.

“The request came in, and how could I say no?” she said. “I love that this couple just want to have fun. They’re my kind of people.”

Griffin led the 10-minute wedding ceremony of Brian Anstey and Elka Shapiro by making off-color jokes about the couple’s sex life and forcing the bride to recite the menu.

OMG, I soooo want Kathy Griffin to preside over my wedding. I would totally do it right now, if I had anything even remotely resembling a boyfriend. But I don’t. Anyone want to marry me? We’ll have Kathy Griffin there! Come on! I don’t cook or clean or sew or anything, and you couldn’t fit my emotional baggage into an entire Louis Vuitton store, but over time I have learned to compensate for these shortcomings by being fucking incredible in the sack. Like you know how blind people compensate by having exceptional hearing? Or how ugly girls compensate by being really nice no matter how shitty you treat them? Oral sex is my exceptional hearing. Give me a shot, guys!

Kathy became a minister through the Universal Life Church, who will ordain damn near anyone.

My college boyfriend did this shit and ended up presiding over the wedding of two of our best friends.

In fact, I just did it. No joke. I’m an ordained minister now. So it’s official: EVIL BEET DOES WEDDINGS NOW! If you’re in the LA area and you’d like me to preside over you wedding, just drop me a line. I’m so in. And I PROMISE to make off-color jokes about your sex life. I’m so, so good at that sort of thing.

With Calum Best at the Maxim Hot 100 party in NYC.

Kim Kardashian was there, too, along with Kim Kardashian’s breasts, Brian Austin Green (they grow up so fast) and Kathy Griffin.