Sorry I’m running so late today, guys.  Unfortunately every story I tried to write started out something like:  “Kate Winslet won a libel — Oh, my God I have to go to an allergist today and I’m afraid of needles and I’m pretty that I CAN DIE from being stuck sixty times in a row and if I DIE no one will know what’s going on in Hollywood until Beet wakes up — whew, okay, now where was I?”  So, thanks for being patient with me today whilst I went through my mini-meltdown, and if any of you have any tips on how to survive the rest of my life without bacon, please email me.  Because I’m allergic.  That’s right — pork allergy — and if you don’t think I’ve already thought of all the dirty jokes surrounding that, you’d be wrong.  If you need an address to send sympathy cards (and gifts!) just drop me a line.  Clearly, this is karmic payback for making fun of Jeremy Piven.

In the meantime, Kate Winslet did in fact win $40,000 in a libel lawsuit that she filed against Daily Mail for an article they wrote earlier this year titled “Should Kate Winslet Win an Oscar for the World’s Most Irritating Actress?”  Specifically, Winslet took issue with DM’s take on her exercise regimen:  “I am delighted that the Mail have apologized for making false allegations about me.  I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime, and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise.”  Well, fuck.  If that statement doesn’t make confirm the allegations of being irritating, I don’t know what does.

E! unearthed this footage from Kate Winslet’s 2005 appearance on the British comedy series Extras. In it, Kate jokes about doing a Holocaust film just for the Oscar.

“I don’t think we need another film about the Holocaust, do we?” her character version of herself says. “It’s like, how many have there been? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I’m doing it because I’ve noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust, [you're] guaranteed an Oscar. I’ve been nominated four times—never won. The whole world is going, ‘Why hasn’t Winslet won one?’ That’s it. That’s why I’m doing it. Schindler’s bloody List. The Pianist. Oscars coming out of their ass!”

Kate won her first Oscar last night for her portrayal of Nazi guard Hanna Schmitz in The Reader.

Yeah, it’s a slow news day.

Day after the Oscars always is.

Everyone’s been talking about this leaked Oscar Letter that supposedly lists all the winners. The Academy has completely denied the authenticity of the document, and claims that no such letter exists because letters are never sent to the Academy officers prior to the awards. Of course, if it were real, the only course of action for them to take is total denial…so we shall see. I’m usually more interested in the dresses than the actual awards, but I think Kate’s time has come. She’s recently announced that she will never show her glorious Mommy Body in the nude again. Everyone knows you gotta show the teats (or play some sort of conflicted monster) to get that Oscar gold and she did both this year.

If you’re planning on placing any bets there’s still time to make it to the bookie.

“You can’t prepare yourself. I mean, there is no textbook. I sort of wish there were some kind of lessons in how you deal with this kind of thing … You know, I think I am kind of useless, in fact, at awards season and I have discovered one thing about myself that I didn’t know before, which is that I am too emotional to loose and clearly I am too emotional to win as well, which is a big new discovery.”

The beautiful and talented Kate Winslet, discussing her Oscar nomination(s).

Hi, guys. Before I do anything, I just have to brag. Wanna know where I am right now? Poolside. I’m still in Arizona, hangin’ with my pops, and it was such a gorgeous day today that I felt physically nauseous about staying inside. So I took my laptop out to the community pool, and, thanks to the new wireless router I bought my dad, I get internet out here. So I am in a bikini getting a tan while I write this. Okay, I’m done bragging now. I’m just so proud of this brilliant blogging-by-the-pool idea I came up with. Why didn’t I think of this before? Oh, right, because I was in Seattle.

Anyway, Kate Winslet and her husband, Sam Mendes, had another brilliant idea: the two of them never fly on a plane together. They’re afraid that if something goes wrong, their children would be orphaned. Now, this is the kind of paranoia I can get behind. I am famously freaked out about flying. Sometimes I secretly want to put my dog on a different plane from me so that if anything happens to my flight my legacy will survive.

“Where possible, Kate and Sam do prefer to travel in separate planes,” said a spokesperson for the couple. “It is not always possible but, for obvious reasons regarding the children, they do travel separately when they can.”

In fairness, Sam was supposed to be on one of the 9/11 planes, and then later Kate was on a plane that received an Islamic terrorist threat mid-air — fortunately, no one was harmed. But I can totally understand why they’re nervous about this sort of thing.

“God bless your real breasts.”

Oprah Winfrey, to Kate Winslet, as the two discussed Kate’s breasts’ performance in The Reader. “In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do,” Oprah said.

Hooray for real titties!

I asked a male friend of mine recently whether he preferred real breasts over fake. “I don’t really care,” he said, “as long as they’re big.”

Sigh.

Men are such special creatures.

Kate Winslet totally stole the show at the LA premiere of Revolutionary Road on Monday. Her body is ridiculously hot these days, and she picked the perfect dress to show it off. Hair and makeup are perfect, too.

Kate is such a talented actress who seems to have worked hard to remain true to herself and not get sucked up into the awful Hollywood scene. It’s nice to see her looking so fabulous.