You know, we hear surprisingly little about Kate Moss these days. She seems to be keeping her nose clean, if ya catch my drift. I wonder if her (sorta) new boyfriend, Jamie Hince, has anything to do with it. Kate was looking happy (and sober!) on a date with him in London Wednesday night.

Their clothes split open when they put on weight!

The side of Kate Moss’s Balmain dress ripped last night as she piled into her car after catching a show in London.

Poor Kate! She’s finally starting to weigh what a human being should weigh, but the designers sending her clothes still expect her to fit into their 00 sample sizes.

Kate Moss spent all those years braless in her Calvin Klein t-shirts and now she’s paying the price.

The totally sober Moss, and by “sober” I mean “wrecked”, attended a birthday party at the legendary Annabel’s nightclub in London last night.  In her typical partying spirit, she decided to let it all hang out when she departed the club at 2 a.m.

Dear God, she looks like a National Geographic special feature.

Sidenote:  my co-pilot is still sitting with me.  I tried hard to hide these pics but she saw them.  Kate Moss will be known as “That Girl Who Needs Clothes” forevermore.

Despite the rumors running around that Kate Moss is preggers, she claims she’s just growing boobs (and a Buddha belly! Like me! Buddha bellies are so hot right now).

She says in an interview with New York magazine:

“”I’ve just started wearing bras. It’s a miracle. Great timing for my lingerie collection. I’ve just grown breasts … I am a woman now. It’s true. Honestly, I’ve never worn a bra in my life. Ever! It’s so awful, even my friends are phoning me up and saying, ‘Are you pregnant?’ And I’m like, ‘No! I just put on a couple of pounds and they went in the right place.’ Isn’t that weird? Now I can fill a B-cup.”

Kate Moss has already birthed an entire child. How is that she’s just now putting on weight? Not fair.

Reports are flying all over the place that Kate Moss is three months pregnant by boyfriend Jamie Hince.  The only glimmer of hope that this isn’t true is that this news item is being sourced from a News Of The World article that confirms her spermination.

Kate did go on a beer bender at a recent Roberto Cavalli photo shoot.  She showed up two hours late for the shoot, downed beer after beer while getting hair and makeup done, and walked out as soon as the session was over.  What does all this mean?  Well, hopefully it means that she’s just bloated from booze and isn’t actually manufacturing a human being.

Like many mysteries never to really be understood, how can so many adept and capable people struggle with infertility yet Kate Moss still has functioning ovaries?  Seriously, there are no answers.

At the age of 35 Kate Moss as conquered the realm of modeling, and now reportedly has her eye on acting. News of the World reports:

The mum-of-one turned 35 last month and has told friends it’s time to movie on. And now her rock star boyfriend Jamie Hince, 39, has put her in touch with an agent in New York.

A source close to her said: “She’s always had dreams of acting. Kate’s nervous but feels, with the right backing, she can make the transition from supermodel to Hollywood star.”

I don’t mean to dash Kate’s dreams here, but she has one facial expression. She’s a real-life Zoolander. She’s a one trick blank-eyed waif-like pony. Look at this picture! You see what happens when she attempts to smile! The only time I’ve heard her speak at any length is in those Rimmel commercials and if I’m not mistaken her voice is a bleak monotone. Pass.

Woah.

Try not to freak out.

It’s photos of Kate Moss where she’s not wasted or draped across some dude who looks like he just clawed his way out of a heroin den. Which is all good news, since she also has a child with her!

I honestly don’t know who this child is. The photo agency has her labeled simply as “LuLu,” which is of no help to me and is likely incorrect. Kate’s daughter’s name is Lila, and Lila’s six years old, and this girl looks a lot older than six, and, frankly, older pictures of Lila don’t look much like this girl. So I have no idea what’s going on here, but there’s a child on Kate Moss’s lap and I do wish someone would take her far, far away.

At the Christmas lights ceremony at Stella McCartney’s store in London.

And I’d like to meet the person that loves it.  Kate Moss in LA.

So I’m telling my mom the other day about my grand scheme for child-rearing. I’m going to have a baby, keep the baby until it’s eight or nine or so — whenever they develop their own personalities and start asserting themselves — and then I’m going to send this child to boarding school and not deal with it until it’s an adult and prepared to make some sense. Because if my own child is anything like I was when I was a teenager, I want nothing to do with him or her. It’ll just make my own mother too smug to watch me struggle against a teenager just like myself.

“See,” I explained to my mother, “then the kid can’t resent me, because I won’t have been involved in any of the major decision-making processes in his or her life. There won’t be anything he or she can hold against me.” My mother glared at me, as mothers do. “Well, Mom,” I said, “I’ll call him on his birthday every year. It’s not like I’m going to be totally absent.”

Anyway.

I thought of this when I read that Kate Moss switched places with her daughter’s nanny as a birthday present for the nanny.

The nanny – on hols with Kate in Ibiza, looking after her daughter Lila Grace – woke to a fancy showbiz brekkie of smoked salmon and champagne.

She was then wined and dined, taken out on a yacht and lavished with gifts.

So, once a year, Kate Moss spends time with her child while the nanny sleeps and gets drunk. The rest of the year, it’s the other way around. This approach to motherhood, I feel, would work well for me.

Poor Kate Moss needs lots of friends to help her go potty.

Or so it would seem.

Kate left an Agent Provocateur event in NYC because she was told there was a strict one-person-at-a-time rule for the bathroom. Kate wanted to bring three of her friends in with her.

“But I’m hosting the event!” she complained. The bathroom attendant didn’t budge. At that point, Kate said “Forget it” and walked away.

You know how some people are pee-shy? Like, they can’t pee when someone’s watching them? I think Kate Moss is the opposite of pee-shy. She simply cannot urinate unless there are a minimum of three people there to watch her.

Or, you know, she wanted to do cocaine with her friends in the bathroom.

But that’s kind of a stretch.

Everyone who’s anyone in London showed up on Tuesday night for the launch of the Christmas line of Kate Moss’s Topshop line.

It’s like the more heroin this girl injects, the more people want to buy things from her. No wonder she doesn’t want to quit.

Celebs who showed up include Simon Cowell, Jade Jagger, Elle Macpherson, Lily Allen, Naomi Campbell, and Sophie Dahl.

Performing a solo gig at the Hackney Empire in east London, he introduced the track “KP Nuts”, and said: “I am dedicating this song…” before the crowds interrupted him to shout out “Kate, Kate”. The singer then replied: “Yes, to my beautiful fiancee.”

This happened at the same Hackney Empire show that we showed pictures of this morning. It passed without incident to the chagrin of some fans who were hoping for drug induced drama. Instead it was all about Kate and Pete’s love.

You know when you see a friend who is making a huge mistake…ya, it is that like that.