… Michael Lohan is involved.

Yes, that Michael Lohan. You know he’s been salivating from the start of this, trying to figure out how best to exploit Jon’s naivete and worm himself into this story. Mission accomplished!

Yes, we all know that Jon Gosselin took Hailey Glassman to France last week, but this week he has a new girl on her arm. She’s Kate Majors, a reporter for Star, which wasted absolutely no time in getting her to confess to their coupledom. “I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did,” she says. “I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him.”

My Lord, Kate Majors, your romantic life jumped straight off a porn set, drove from Malibu to New York in shiny-ass Cadillac, and bumped right into you, didn’t it? Wait … is that why your face looks that way?

And now, enter from stage left, Michael Lohan, who invited the twosome to chill with him at his place in the Hamptons on Wednesday. And Jon Gosselin, who is clearly uninterested in consulting with any professionals as regards his “image” or “career” or “future court dates,” accepted. He took the little girl to the Hamptons with MICHAEL LOHAN.

“Jon is a friend, he’s a great guy, he needed a place to get away to, and my doors were open to him and Kate Major,” Lohan says. “Jon and Kate [Major] are good friends of mine. She’s with him. Kate’s like a daughter to me. When she needed a place my doors were open.”

OMG. I don’t even want to think about the relationship Kate Major may have had with Michael Lohan before any of this went down. In fact, now I’m thinking it may have been Michael Lohan who instructed Kate Major to hook up with Jon and then take him to the Hamptons, so that Michael Lohan could become a part of this story. It’s just plain crazy.

Really, though, this plot has turned out so much better than anything I could have scripted, and I have a feeling it’ll continue to blossom beautifully. I mean, if Michael Lohan’s involved, you know Lindsay and Paris can’t be far behind. Come on, Universe. I’m asking nicely.