The Gosselins’ business is everyone’s business. Kate’s brother Kevin and his wife, Jodi — who appeared on earlier seasons of the show before Kate kicked them off — showed up at CBS this morning to talk about how horrible the reality show is for the little Gosselin kiddos, and how Jon & Kate don’t care a lick for the safety of their children. (The clip of them starts at 1:25.) They feel they need to “speak out” to “protect” the kids.

Whatever. I smell bitter people looking to recapture the spotlight. These kids are just fine. Does it suck that their parents are getting divorced? Yes. Is it maybe kind of annoying to have the cameras around all the time? Yes. But are the kids fine? Are they fed and clothed and educated and hugged and safe? Yes, yes, yes. Are they waaaaay better off than a whole lot of kids in this country who have no adults who care about them rather than two loving parents, a staff of nannies and an entire film crew looking out for them at all times? Yes. The kids are fine. Shut up, Kevin and Jodi.

We all know how much Aunt Jodi’s sister hates Jon & Kate (& Kate & Kate & Kate). So every now and then I take a look at one of the predictable rants on her blog, Truth Breeds Hatred. Today’s post kind of cracked me up:

Kevin and Jodi will be giving a live interview tomorrow morning on The Early Show (CBS). The segment should be airing around 7:30am EST.

I also want to acknowledge all of the emails I am receiving. I can’t respond to all of them, but I want everyone to know that I am reading them and sharing them with Jodi. I have received the most heartfelt stories and poems. I am truly touched that so many have taken the time to write, and I want you all to know that the support we are receiving is definitely a bright spot during this difficult time.

Many people have asked what they can do. My best advice right now is to stop watching! … I am disgusted that they would show such a tender moment between Jon and his daughter just to pull at the viewer’s heartstrings. That conversation should have been a private moment between a father and daughter. Each person who watched last night stole something from the children that they’ll never get back.

None of this matters but the poems.

Attention, people: WHO ARE YOU out there sending poems to Jodi’s sister? Did you write them yourself? If you did, then that’s simply the most delightful news I’ve heard all day. People are independently composing poetry about Jon & Kate. WHAT DOES IT EVEN LOOK LIKE? I was going to try to write a sample J&K poem for you guys, but then I realized that I totally wasn’t high or 13 enough. I don’t even remember how to fake being an angsty 13-year-old. Should it rhyme? Do I need to draw an anarchy symbol on my wrist before I begin? I think I will suggest that you folks write some poetry in the comments.

I also have another idea. I think Aunt Jodi’s sister should post on her blog all the poems that she received from readers. Then the state of California will vote on whether or not to incorporate said poems into their state Constitution. If they vote against it, then Mady and Cara Gosselin can’t get married, ever, to anyone. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS A WIN-WIN SITUATION?

Unbelievable! I knew the ratings would be high, but I had no idea just how high. The season five premiere of Jon & Kate Plus Eight, which I’ve mentally titled Jon & Kate: Separate Couches, brought in 9.8 MILLION viewers. In comparison, the Lost season finale — which aired on a network — only brought in 9.2 million viewers. In the 18 to 34 demo, the premiere had 3.1 million viewers — No. 2 to just the American Idol finale. These are astounding numbers for cable programming. Totally high, just like Jon was in most of his interviews. Ba-dum-bum-ching!

TLC is learning that drama sells better than contentment! I could have told them that! (But Mandy Moore couldn’t have.)

I fully admit I was never a faithful Jon & Kate Plus 8 viewer.  I had seen a couple episodes and had quickly determined that Kate was a controlling wench of a wife.  This weekend there was a Jon & Kate marathon on TLC.  I obviously couldn’t watch all of it because I do have kids of my own that need attention, but I did watch a lot of episodes and feel like I have a better picture of the Gosselin family.  Oh, and I still think Kate is a controlling wench of a wife.

I don’t understand why people talking about the decline of the Gosselin marriage.  In every episode I saw, no matter what season, Jon looked miserable, stoned and completely checked out.  He never got a word in edgewise and on the rare occasion that he was allowed to articulate a thought, Kate would edit what he was saying and reinterpret it in her own words. 

So what did you think of last night’s premiere?  First of all, I don’t know why Jon and Kate didn’t come out and say that they are separated — they so obviously are.  Jon Gosselin is done, outta there, so over it.  My guess is that they’ll keep up this “working on it” facade for this season and then that will be it for the show.  Of course I also fully expect Kate Gosselin to get a cooking show on Food Network — it’s the next logical career step for her.

Can we talk about Kate for a minute?  She strikes me as very manipulative and disingenuous.  In last night’s episode it seemed as if she was very intentionally trying to be more likable.  She laughed a lot, tried to be friendly with the other moms at the birthday party, was overly affectionate with her kids.  Clearly, she’s rallying public support.

I’m also wondering if anyone took a count of how many times the phrases “for the kids,” and “doing it on my own,” were uttered?  It’s tough being a single parent but “doing it on my own” doesn’t have quite the same impact when you are getting paid $65,000 an episode to basically do a craft with your kids on camera.  And it also doesn’t have quite the same impact when you have three hundred dollars of highlights and lowlights on your head.

Is there one J&K+8 fan out there willing to say that they believe the Gosselin’s will work through this strife and stay together?

Do I hear crickets?

Ahhh, I remember last year’s Memorial Day fondly. I had just gotten addicted to Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and I was beyond delighted to find that there was a Memorial Day weekend marathon. I had just moved to Seattle, so I didn’t have a lot of friends here, and I didn’t have anything better to do that weekend but watch every single episode. I remember thinking to myself, “Man, that poor Kate. She has no idea how doomed her marriage is.” As an outsider, it was painfully obvious: This relationship wasn’t going to last, and the harder Kate clung to it, the sadder it was to watch.

The following week the show aired its episode about J&K’s Memorial Day — they’d taken the kids to church, then to a picnic, and then out for ice cream. Kate gave her typical spiel about wanting to create traditions and memories for her children, how they hoped to make this an annual Memorial Day tradition for her kids. Oh, that Kate, always planning. You know what they say, right? If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. What a difference a year makes.

This Memorial Day, J&K+8 airs its much-hyped Season 5 premiere. TLC didn’t send out screeners for the hour-long premiere, because it would have taken all of five minutes for them to leak online. Plus, it’s not like they need any additional help from the media in generating hype for this premiere. I’ll bet the marathon this weekend has seen record numbers already, and the premiere tonight will likely set some new record for cable TV viewership. Everyone will be tuning in to rubberneck as Jon & Kate’s marriage dissolves, leaving eight small children in its wake. Hopefully TLC delivers with a super-juicy episode!!!

If Jon, Kate, and TLC want to keep this money train rolling, they’re going to have to find a way to cull a few more seasons out of the debacle they call family life. Reports are surfacing that the two may be seeking marriage counseling in a desperate attempt to salvage their relationship, and that TLC might film the counseling sessions and use the footage in a new season of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

“The big question is whether they’ll allow cameras into their therapy sessions. TLC would want to film at least portions of the sessions, but obviously Jon and Kate would have to agree.”
Both Jon and Kate have denied having affairs, and family members have been urging them to seek professional help.

“But Kate didn’t want any kind of marriage counseling,” her brother Kevin Kreider told The ENQUIRER.

A source close to the couple added: “Jon was all for counseling, but Kate thought their marriage might be too far gone. She would do it for the sake of the children, if nothing else.”

But camera-loving Kate is also determined to wring two more seasons out of Jon & Kate, sources say.

“Kate wants a future in showbiz, and airing their counseling sessions will shoot the show’s ratings through the roof,” added the insider.

Now, let me mitigate these reports by pointing out that they’re coming from The Enquirer. But it seems plausible to me, especially given that all the other sensational rumors surrounding the Gosselins seem to have turned out to be true. This one is mundane and believable by comparison, although I question how you could have a legitimate counseling session while you’re trying to project an image of perfect family life with cameras recording your every word.

Don’t forget to take some time out from the John and Kate Plus 8 marathon TLC has been airing all weekend to char some meat and veggies over a combustible heat source and spend some quality time with you own family. The season premiere airs tomorrow night at 9/8 central and I am inexplicably looking forward to it.

Their latest cover reads “Mom to Monster,” and then lists all the reasons why Kate is a horrible, evil person. Man, does anyone know where I can find Us Weekly’s circulation numbers? I wonder if all this hateful coverage of Kate is boosting their sales, because they sure do seem set on milking it for all it’s worth.

Listen: I don’t like the way Kate Gosselin treats her husband any more than you do, Us Weekly. I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t think she’s a nice person. But I continue to believe that she loves her children and puts them first, and this headline crosses the line.