Sorry, y’all, I didn’t mean for this to be J&K day around here, but I posted on my Twitter and my Facebook about my thoughts when I finally watched (part of) the Jon & Kate Plus Eight finale from Monday night, and I got a billion responses like “You better put that clip on your website!” So, here it is.

I mean, is it slander to say Jon Gosselin is on a shitload of cocaine during this interview when it’s clearly the truth? It would be funny if it weren’t so damn sad. I like the part around 4:15 where he’s twitching and rambling about how he stupidly moved to the Upper West Side when everyone knows the best blow is on the Lower East Side, and that’s a mistake he certainly won’t make again. But it’s nice that he can escape to his “country house.” I get that he and TLC are at war right now, but that’s not a very good reason to show up to his final interview snowplowed out of his gourd. That’s just like biting off your nose to spite your face. He’s gonna have to live with this for the rest of his life, and so are his children.

The whole thing is totally hilarious and worth a viewing if you can just push out of your mind the reality that this man is a father of eight.

You guys, I think the Gosselin limelight may be fading. Kate Gosselin was awarded primary custody of her children today, and it wasn’t immediately, like, announced in Times Square. No one seems to care, really. In fact, the final episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight aired tonight, and it’s being replaced with Cake Boss, which is, incidentally, one of the worst reality TV shows I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Does that crapfest get ratings? Like, it’s a bunch of New Jersey Italians bickering about cake frosting. I care a lot about cake when I can eat it, but under any other circumstances I’m rather indifferent. I would be really sad if my show got replaced by Cake Boss. The least TLC could do is replace it with King of the Crown, which I love.

I’m not really sure exactly what the terms of the custody agreement are, and if it means Jon can’t four-wheel around their Pennsylvania estate and smoke cigarettes whenever he’s taking a break from eating compulsively, but this whole custody agreement got hammered out in a day. The rest of the divorce isn’t expected to be finalized until January, which I think kind of means that Jon rolled over on the whole custody-of-his-children thing, but he’s prepared to stand and fight over, ya know, his car. That’s sweet. My, how the tables have turned.

Here’s the takeaway point: For those of you who have spent the past two years begging the world to stop caring about Jon and Kate, I think your day may be approaching.

Jon and Kate Gosselin finally got together today… for an arbitration meeting. Yeah. They’ll definitely never be getting back together. Jon Gosselin, I am pretty sure, is on something. He showed up, smoked a cig, flashed off the copy of GQ he was reading for the paps and took an interview with Entertainment Tonight. Kate, who seems to have done something about “the hair”, kept to herself, looked professional and ready to get this whole ordeal settled. If there was anyone left on Team Jon, check out these pictures. (Oh, and some really good news? The divorce could be finalized by the end of the year. What a present for those eight kids.)

Jon is on his apology tour and now Kate was all apologetic on last night’s TLC special, Kate:  Her Story.  Since they can’t film the kids anymore, we are treated to 42 minutes of Kate Gosselin’s thoughts and insight every single Monday night.

Kate admits to being too hard on Jon, but immediately negates her admission by stating that she had to handle everything.  You know what I think?  I think she took control over everything in their lives because it gave her the power to boss Jon around and then blame him when everything went to hell.  They both just wear me out so much, y’all.  (I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my recent overuse of “y’all.”  I’m not from the south and I’m not Britney Spears.  I have no good excuse.)

This is a whole lotta mea culpas goin’ on.  Could there be a reunion of these two?  Jon & Kate Decorate:  For The Holidays, That is.

Last year, it was Sarah Palin. I saw so many Palins on Halloween I thought was at the governor’s igloo in Alaska. This year– and I hope I don’t incur the wrath of Sasha by saying this– the most overdone costume is definitely Jon & Kate Gosselin. Our own esteemed Beet went to work yesterday dressed up as one third of a Jon, Kate, and Hailey Glassman trio. Check out the pics she posted to her Twitter.

As further proof this costume has jumped the shark, the couple we love to hate dressed as a pair of Gosselins and went out trick-or-treating. (Instead of candy they got 10 more minutes of fame.)

While I was out last night, I saw no fewer than 4 Kate Gosselins and 2 corresponding “Jons.” I can see why it’s a popular costume. That haircut is so terrible that it’s become downright iconic and in the same way that women use Halloween as an excuse to release their inner sluts, it’s also the one day a year you can indulge in truly hideous fashion and hair and not be held accountable for it.

It’s also a really easy couples costume to pull off. All you need is an Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blonde wig you’ve run over with a lawnmower then styled with super glue, and 8 battered, used baby dolls from the Goodwill store that you’re willing to exploit for your own personal gain.

So how many Gosselins have you seen today? Or is there another costume you’re seeing a lot of?

Even though her soon to be ex-husband has long since moved on to a 22-year old woman, Kate Gosselin has to be a little more guarded when it comes to dating. As the remaining responsible parent, Kate can’t help but think what a disaster dating other men would be for both herself and her kiddies. Yesterday on Ellen, Kate said the following about the topic of finding herself a new man, “I’m not thinking about it, but the thought has crossed my mind at some point [that] it’s going to be scrutinized. Let’s not talk about it.”

Kate’s attitude makes sense, as at this point she’s still constantly flanked by paparazzi and has the emotional well-being of her children to look after. Still, Kate is thirty-four years old and deserves to find someone she can actually spend her life with. However, these days, she’s still working on making the transition from a semi-happy two parent family to just mom the kids. Even approaching the topic of taking off her ring was something that required a lot of care. “At some point, I talked to the kids it came up very naturally and I said I’m not going to be wearing this ring very much longer. They said, ‘Oh, why?’ I said, ‘Because I’m not going to be married to Daddy anymore,’ which, of course, hearing that I don’t think was fun for them.”

Really? That wasn’t fun? I would think they’d react like you were building them their own McDonald’s Playplace in the yard! Yeesh! Guess that’s why I don’t have kids…

Remember the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, that was giving interviews that she had an affair with Jon?  I know there are so many of them — I get confused too! — but I wrote about it here.  Well, now she’s claiming that Jon told her he was hacking into Kate’s emails, phone records and banking.

Kate, in a statement, says she’s “disturbed” by Stephanie Santoro’s allegations. “Ms. Gosselin is carefully considering all of her legal options regarding this matter, and she will pursue them if and when the time is right,” said the statement released by Schnader Harrison Segal & Lewis, her Philadelphia law firm.

Jon, meanwhile, says Santoro is lying. “I spoke with him today concerning this statement made by Stephanie and he unequivocally told me that he’s never illegally invaded Kate’s electronic privacy in any way,” says his attorney, Mark Heller. “He also finds it a little disappointing that Kate would give credence to an uncorroborated statement made by an individual who clearly has a motivation to tell stories about Jon that might result in financial [compensation].”

You know this is going to end up back in court, right?  Everything regarding these two ends up in court.  It’s what they do.

After years of watching the little Gosselin babies grow into resilient little children, the Jon & Kate Plus 8 disaster is over.

After Jon’s insistence that the children not be filmed any longer, TLC really wasn’t left with any choice but to cancel the show.  The last episode will air in November.  What does this mean?  No more constant “I do it for my kids, it’s all about my kids” crap from Kate, and Jon can officially breathe as loud as he wants to without fear of admonishment.

I guess Jon anticipates a healthy paycheck on the horizon to feed all those mouths that used to feed themselves.  We should all anticipate more stories about Jon catchin’ some brewskies with Michael Lohan while they ogle 17 year-olds.

Jon and Kate were back in court yesterday trying to work out their financial woes with a court-appointed arbitrator.  Remember how Kate accused Jon of taking out a bunch of money and Jon accused Kate of taking a bunch of money and they both denied it?  Well the truth is out and the liar is — this is where you’d expect to hear a drum roll but I’m limited by this medium — Jon!

The court has ordered Jon — oh, did you hear that he’s half Jewish now that he’s dating Hailey Glassman? — to return $180,000 back to the Gosselin family coffers by October 26th.  Kate will also have to provide an accounting for $55,000 that she spent on family-related expenses.  Hell, 25K was probably spent on the kid’s therapy co-pays.  Oy.

Throughout this entire Gosselin divorce/feud between J + K about whether or not their kids should keep being filmed for their reality TV show, the couple has been maintaining that their kids haven’t really been effected by the whole “being pushed in to the spotlight/watching their parents fight publicly” thing. However, sources close to the family are saying that that’s not so true, and that the kids have been “acting out” for a hot minute now. The source, who spoke to Us Weekly said “They are confused and distraught and are acting out all the time in an effort to get attention from their parents.” Well, no duh.

And while everyone (including myself) has been quick to throw stones at the hunky monkey himself, J.Goss, the source is claiming that Kate is more to blame for the problems at home than she claims. “She barely talks to them. The nannies are doing 95 percent of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her.” It’s hard to know if this source is someone in Jon’s camp planting dirty quotes about his ex, but as someone who’s even briefly watched their show, I can tell ya that it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that ol’ Kate isn’t exactly nurturing.

But of course Jon is responsible for a lot of crappy behavior. He’s been overheard asking paparazzi what time his kids get home from school, snaps at the kids when they interrupt his phone calls and is apparently planning on throwing a “Fuck you, Kate” party once the divorce is finalized. Real mature.

One thing that Jon should double check before the party is the spelling of his ex-wife’s name. That seems to be an area of struggle for him, as he spelled his own daughter’s name wrong on her birthday cake yesterday. Yup. He told the bakery her name was spelled “Maddy”, not “Mady”. Yikes!

And that will conclude the Gosselin coverage for today. I’m going to hike up to the woods now with a gun wrapped in socks.

I think Kate Gosselin has found her calling if she can’t get Kate Plus 8 back on track.  If you ask me, it’s only a matter of time before she’ll be approached about filming a sitcom pilot.  Ooohhh … wouldn’t it be great if she did a sitcom with fellow reality mom Michelle Duggar?  They could call it The Mullets Plus Many.

For the newest helping of bullshit served straight from the Gosselin family, Jon is back from his trip to the restaurant every fame whore goes to when they want to eat mediocre salads and be seen The Ivy and talking to The Insider about his (can’t happen too) soon-to-be-ex’s allegations that he emptied their bank account last week.

Bottom line?  He denies it.  He claims that he withdrew $22,000 last Thursday and has withdrawn $177,000 — his “paycheck” — over the past year which represents less than 10 percent of their earnings over the past four years.  According to Douchon — that’s totally my new name for him — Kate is over-dramatizing their financial straits (they have 11 bank accounts) and he also alleges that she’s hiding money.

Of course, Jon expresses his deep regret at being forced to divulge all these personal details.  Jon and Kate must be so exhausted always having a gun held to their heads.  You know, the gun that prevents them from just shutting the fuck up and not saying one, single, solitary word about the other party.  That would just be too mature simple though, wouldn’t it?

At this point, I’ve just resigned myself to a lifetime of Gosselin stories.  Jon’s new marriage, Kate on a date, the kids as they methodically enter rehab one by one.  Will the photo and story ops never end?