“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

Kanye West in his VH1 Storytellers documentary, sharing the biggest disappointment of his life.

You know what the greatest pain in my life is?  Having to write about Kanye West every time he comes up with a quote intended to keep his name in the media.  Or, you know, every time he decides to punch a pap.

Let’s talk about Kanye West’s new girlfriend, Amber Rose, who accompanied Kanye for some shopping and lunch on Sunset today.

I can’t even tell you how jealous I am of this look.

I wish I could wander around LA in February wearing a see-through half-tank with no bra, faux denim hot pants and fuck-me heels. And don’t forget the cigarette!

What a radical departure from social norms, Amber! You’re so awesome. I wish I had the guts to show up at uber-expensive restaurants looking like I just finished my hooking gig at the trailer park. Looking respectable is so passe. You are totally the future of fashion … at the Bunny Ranch. Airforce Amy is going to take a break from blowing lines to call Kmart and see if they have those heels in stock. That’s the kind of trend-setter you are.

“My game was very sexual. The main character was, like, a giant penis. It was like Mario Brothers, but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. Mind you, I’m 12 years old, and this is stuff 30-year-olds are programming. You’d have to draw in and program every little step—it literally took me all night to do a step, ’cause the penis, y’know, had little feet and eyes.”

Kanye West, discussing his young and hyper-sexual computer programming skeelz, during an interview with Details magazine in which he also claims he became successful because of his sex drive:

“People ask me a lot about my drive,” he says. “I think it comes from, like, having a sexual addiction at a really young age. Look at the drive that people have to get sex—to dress like this and get a haircut and be in the club in the freezing cold at 3 a.m., the places they go to pick up a girl. If you can focus the energy into something valuable, put that into work ethic…”

OK but seriously is it weird that I’m a little impressed that he wrote that game at the age of 12 and that I want to play it now? I used to write computer games at that age, too. And mine were really sexual as well. It was back in the early ’90s, and I’d write them for, like, DOS and the TI-82 calculator, and people would pass them all around my middle school and everyone loved them, and finally the teachers caught wind of it and I was told I had to delete all my games and not let anyone see them ever again.

And that’s why I had to become a celebrity gossip blogger instead of the next Bill Gates.

Thanks so much, repressive middle school authorities.

Kanye West is on February’s cover of Vibe sharing more of his outlook and wisdom.

“I made a decision. I wanna make popular music, but I want less fans,” he told writer Sean Fennessey when asked if he was comfortable with fame. “I want the freedom of having less fans. It’s like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility. It’s like Björk. If she wanted to pose naked, you’d be like, ‘Oh, that’s Björk.’ But if I wanted to pose naked, people would draw all type of things into it. I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I’ll pose naked. I break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture.”

You know, he has a really good point.  I never feel as free as when I can’t afford to buy food.  Knowing that I won’t have to cook dinner is soooo liberating.  Not having enough in my checking account to cover the electric bill makes me feel like a soaring eagle.  Seriously.  Utilities are an imprisonment.  And to my husband, honey, hasn’t it been so freeing having never gone on vacation since we’ve been married?

Alright, I’m exaggerating a bit but Kanye needs a reality check.  The good news is, if Kanye whittles down his fan base, that should solve his surplus income problems.

Seriously there were better vocals in my seventh-grade class play. And we were doing Fiddler on the Roof. With twelve year olds.

And I mean I’d understand if, like, he had a cold or something, but does a cold make you this completely tone deaf?

Can someone explain this shit to me?

Kanye’s second performance is after the jump. It’s “Heartless,” and it’s every bit as bad as “Love Lockdown” above.

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Kanye West was arrested last night for allegedly assaulting a pap in Newcastle, England.  Why does this sound familiar?  Photographer Terry Blackburn asserted that West pushed his camera into his face causing bruising and a cut.  Kanye was later released and not charged with any crime.  Now he’s angry and comparing himself to Princess Di.  Incidentally, note to Kanye: I’m pretty sure a drunk limo driver, no seatbelt and speeding contributed to Princess Diana’s death. 

Here’s his tirade, in all caps natch, from his blog.

WHO’S WINNING, ME OR THE MEDIA?

REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH LIGHT I PUT OUT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WORKING JUST AS HARD TO ONLY DELIVER DARKNESS. IF YOU LISTEN TO MY MUSIC, HOW COULD I DELIVER SO MANY POSITIVE UPLIFTING MESSAGES AND BE THE MONSTER THAT THE MEDIA PAINTS. PAPARAZZI GIVE REAL PHOTOGRAPHERS A BAD NAME.  A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, THEIRS ARE WORTH A THOUSAND DOLLARS…

LET US NOT FORGET THE PAPS KILLED PRINCESS DIANA. WHEN WILL THERE BE A LAW PASSED THAT SIMPLY ENFORCES THAT SOMEONE HAS TO ASK TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU. THAT WOULD SEEM LIKE COMMON COURTESY. RIGHT NOW THE PAPS ARE ABOVE THE LAW AND THE PEOPLE THEY SHOOT ARE BELOW IT. WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL IS PICTURES TAKEN WITH THE INTENT TO SELL….LIKE DRUGS WITH THE INTENT TO SELL… OR CROSSING CUSTOMS WITH ENOUGH MERCHANDISE TO HAVE THE INTENT TO SELL. THE EXPLOITATION OF MY IMAGE IS THE PROBLEM. IT PRODUCES A “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY” BEHAVIOR THAT CAUSE THE PAPS TO DRIVE RECKLESSLY ON FREEWAYS, JUMP OVER FENCES AND INVADE PRIVACY ALL IN AN EFFORT TO GET THAT “MONEY SHOT.” YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SELL A PICTURE OF ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. AFTER THIS LAW IS PASSED, WHEN YOU ENTER A PUBLIC PLACE LIKE A BASKETBALL ARENA ETC., THERE WILL BE A SIGN THAT READS…”ALL PHOTOS TAKEN HERE ARE PUBLIC DOMAIN AND CAN BE USED AT THE PHOTOGRAPHERS DISCRETION.” OBVIOUSLY RED CARPET EVENTS WHERE PEOPLE SHOW UP TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED WILL ALSO APPLY. THE PERSONAL PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE PAPS IS WHEN THEY TRY TO CATCH YOU BEING A REGULAR PERSON. I AM NOT A CELEBRITY. I’M A NORMAL PERSON THAT’S JUST FAMOUS. I REFUSE TO SNEAK IN AND OUT OF BACK DOORS AND KITCHENS OF HOTELS ETC….

I AM PROTECTING MY PERSONAL SPACE SINCE THERE ARE NO LAWS TO PROTECT THAT FOR ME.

I PUT MY HAND UP TO THE CAMERA IN SELF DEFENSE!

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED…WHEN I LEFT THE CLUB, I WAS ENCOUNTERED BY A THIRSTY PAPARAZZI AS USUAL. HE FELT HE HAD MORE RIGHTS TO MY SPACE THAN ME, SO I PUT MY HAND UP TO PREVENT HIM FROM TAKING MY IMAGE. I DIDN’T ASSAULT HIM BUT MERELY PUTTING MY HAND UP TO COVER HIS LENS. MY SECURITY YELLED, “GET THE CAMERA OFF HIM.” I GUESS IN ALL THE COMMOTION THE CAMERA SCRAPED HIS NOSE.

THREE HOURS LATER I GET A KNOCK AT MY HOTEL DOOR. THERE WERE FIVE POLICE OFFICERS IN FRONT OF MY ROOM AND I HAD NO IDEA WHY. I HAD MY SECURITY GO SPEAK WITH THEM. THE COPS WERE VERY CORDIAL BUT TOLD ME THEY HAD TO ARREST ME BECAUSE A COMPLAINT WAS FILED. THAT WAS THE BOGUS PART. THEY PLACED ME IN HANDCUFFS AND DROVE ME TO THE STATION. THEY SPOKE ABOUT HOW THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY A PUBLICITY STUNT BY THE PHOTOGRAPHER BUT THEY STILL HAD TO GO THOUGH THE MOTIONS. WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL THERE WERE PAPARAZZI HANGING OVER THE BRIDGE ABOVE THE HOTEL TRYING TO GET A SHOT OF ME GETTING OUT THE POLICE VAN. EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T CHARGED, THE DAMAGE WAS DONE. SURE ENOUGH THE NEXT MORNING, PLASTERED ACROSS EVERY MEDIA OUTLET… KANYE GETS ARRESTED. IT DIDN’T MATTER THAT I WASN’T CHARGED OR THE FACT THAT I HADN’T ASSAULTED ANYONE. ALL THAT MATTERED WAS THAT I WAS ARRESTED.

SIDEBAR, THEY QUOTED ME AS SAYING…”GET THE CAMERA OFF HIM!” LIKE I WAS TALKING IN THIRD PERSON. HE TRIED TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON AND PEOPLE BELIEVED HIM. WHAT MERIT DOES THIS GUY HAVE THAT HE CAN SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND PEOPLE TAKE IT AS LAW? THE FACT THAT HE COULD GET ME ARRESTED OFF A MERE COMPLAINT BUT I CAN’T ASK HIM TO STOP TAKING PICTURES OF ME IS VERY LOPSIDED.

WHO’S WINNING, ME OR THE MEDIA?

“I feel like I moved to California, then my mom moved to California, and she did stuff she wouldn’t have done if we’d stayed in Chicago. If I’d never made it in the music business, it never would’ve happened.”

Kanye West, whose mother died during plastic surgery.