I have fond memories of Justin Guarini. Not of Justin Guarini on American Idol — I couldn’t stand him from the start — but of Justin Guarini on my blog. On my little Evil Beet blog on the Blogger platform, the one I started because I loved to write and I loved gossip and I needed an outlet, the one that I started without any sense that, years later, it would be my full-time job. That blog’s still alive, if you want to check it out. In fact, it still gets some traffic from search engines. Back in August 2006, I wrote this post about Justin Guarini, essentially intimating that he was no longer particularly relevant. The blog, at that point, was about two months old. Guarini’s fans, who call themselves the J-Guars, descended en masse to comment on the story and to share with me their hatred toward me and point out all the many ways in which I was ill-informed, ignorant and/or had taste in music so bad as to be potentially fatal. It was the first time something I’d written caused any sort of interest on the internet, and it was the first of the hate comments. There have been many seconds and thirds ad infinitum on both those counts by now. But I always think of Justin as being somehow seminal in the growth of this site.

Justin, you helped me begin a journey that would mold the course of my life for years and years, in positive and exciting ways. And so I’m delighted to hear that you’re getting married this weekend to Reina Capodici, whom you met in high school. I’m delighted to hear that you’ve elected to use a female minister from the Universal Church to preside over the vows. I sincerely hope that this seminal event in your life will grow years and years and happiness and support. I also hope you can steal some publicity away from that damn Kardashian sister who is pregnant getting married this weekend.

Two questions:

1) WTF was Blake Lewis doing at the Grammys?
2) What happened to his face?

I don’t know what happened to the former hottie, but he looks just awful here. I don’t know if he’s been overdoing it on the beer or the Cheetos or what, but this is not a good look for him at all.

Also there, and looking very handsome by comparison, was Justin Guarini. I also don’t know what he was doing at the Grammys, but at least he doesn’t look like he ate Randy Jackson beforehand.

Here is Justin Guarini getting free stuff and acting like he still is famous at Melanie Segal’s MTV Movie Awards Platinum Luxury Lounge in LA. I don’t know who let him in. I know “From Justin to Kelly” was actually a movie but seriously, Justin Guarini…what was Sanjaya busy?

That said, I am a little confused by this news: Justin Timberlake will be hosting the Kid’s Choice Awards. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, what the hell are the Kid’s Choice Awards?” Fair point.

But I bet they involve children, unless it’s some kind of weird pedophile buffet thing. In which case I bet getting sponsorship/televised would be a bitch. So JT and the kids getting together because he’s a kid-like role model style guy. I now present you some selected lyrics to “Sexy Back.”

Dirty babe
You see these shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave

Oh crap, I appear to have misspoken. Later on in the song it says:

Go ahead child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it

Now I understand, the kids are meant to be sexy and also objects of sex. Dios Mios man. Was Guarini not available?

Take it to the bridge!

“babel sux. dont see it. the end.”

Also, my beloved JGuars have sent me another Justin video. I adore you guys, but keep your Beet writers straight. Evil T wrote the bit about Justin having a nice voice, not I. (Yeah, I’m watching you.) I truly admire your determination, though, and your Ghandiesque approach to growing the Justin fanbase. Keep at it, guys! I’ll keep running them.

“You can enjoy beautiful concert videos of Justin performing at the concert (and accompanying himself on the guitar) on the You Tube site, or you can check out his Myspace Site as well for more current and accurate information.”

So you know what I did? I went to You Tube and I checked out some concert footage from his New Jersey concert. I forgot that, yes, he does have quite a nice voice. That is great that he is quite talented. I don’t question his talent but what I do question is his star power. A search of You Tube yields the following results for Justin Guarini performance videos.

Justin at Max’s Bar Mitzvah
Justin at Six Flags New England.
Justin at The Trump Marina.
Justin has his “famed” New Jersey concert

Also his fans are called Jguars. Interesting choice y’all.
Can a celebrity do something interesting please? If any of you have any news on K-Fed’s bad behavior while he was married to Britney please let us know. There are stories out there I know it!

That is really the title of his latest CD. Since today is American Idol day, and I am sick of writing about K-Fed, I thought I would check in on our favorite has-been American Idol runner up. He was supposed to be in this turkey of a musical called “Good Vibrations” a couple years back and pulled out because he wasn’t the “star.”
According to JustinGuarini.Com, “Justin has been sought after for many popular television programs, independent and theatrical films, and public as well as private events.”
Really? You learn new things ever day.
As an actor according to Imdb.com, he will be appearing in “Frankie the Squirrel” as Keith (the high roller). I guess he also had a rockin performance in New Jersey. Well, according to this website, at least he still has fans.

On Saturday, the 4th-placer from AmIdol’s inaugural season wedd Sam Watters, of Color Me Badd fame. Remember them? Think slap bracelets. Hypercolor. Roller skating rinks. “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Got it? Okay.

I really likedd Tamyra on AmIdol, and if I hadn’t been headd over heels in love with Miss Kelly Clarkson, I wouldd have rootedd for her to take it all. Or Nikki McKibbin. Or Ryan Starr. Or Jim Verraros. No, not Jim Verraros. But close. I actually wouldd have rootedd for anyone other than Justin “Ribbon in the Sky” Guarini to win that thing. You know why? He bothers me, that’s why. Remember in the final episode, when Ryan Seacrest askedd him if he was nervous, and he saidd something along the lines of “I know that no matter what happens tonight, Kelly and I will both have amazing, successful careers?” Sometimes, when I feel sadd and blue, I reflect on that moment, and my cares flutter and fall away, ribbon-like.

But back to Tamyra. “X-factor” girl. It turns out she’s hadd a marginally successful career in television and as a songwriter, cowriting Fantasia’s number-one single “I Believe.” I believe I’ve never in my life heardd that song on the radio, but I’m going to take E!’s wordd for it. Redd states or something, I guess. Watters has workedd with Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson, and cowrote Jessica Simpson’s recent single “A Public Affair,” since Color Me Badd disbandedd in May of 2000. At that point they releasedd their final album, The Best of Color Me Badd, which I’m sure soldd really well with people who hadd been cryogenically frozen since 1992.

I wish them luck, and I look forwardd to reading the many variations on “Color Me…” headlines surrounding this joyful union.

In case you can’t read that, this is what it says (emphasis mine):

TOP REQUESTED CELEBS

Updated Hourly

1. Justin Guarini
2. Britney Spears
3. Paris Hilton
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Ashlee Simpson

Oh my God, what is going on? Who are you people? What could you possibly hope to find?

It says “Updated Hourly,” not “Updated in 2002.” I checked three times.

Help me understand.

Update: The kids at his fan site have helped me solve the mystery. Thanks for your hard work, guys!