So Beet emails me today and says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Do you want to cover this Julia Roberts story?  I know you have issues with her.”  Isn’t she the politest Managing Editor yet?  What she really means is that I have a completely irrational, illogical and completely inappropriate level of hatred for eighty percent of Hollywood including Julia Roberts.

In my defense, I don’t hate for the sake of hate.  Julia Roberts is a trout-mouthed homewrecker.  And not just a homewrecker, because everyone makes mistakes, but also just a general biznacho.  As expected, she was a study in grace and poise last night as she participated in a tribute to Tom Hanks at the Lincoln Center in New York City.  It went something like this:

“Alright well, it’s late and I’m paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee.  So Tom, everybody f—–g likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson, Hanks' wife], and her t–s were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her a– was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that’s new? Tom Hanks, what the f–k?”

Then she turned her aimless rant to a critique of Tom’s body of work:

“I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn’t even know what the f–k that movie was about!”   [Regarding his movie, The Terminal], “You in the airport with the accent? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn’t know. I love you, and I didn’t know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same f—–g dress tonight as your publicist!”

Then she had to wrap it up so she could, you know, go pee:

“Listen, I’ve got to get home. But this much we know … I will say this: Tom Hanks, ‘I love you.’  It’s so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space.  Thank you, whoever just made it light. [Lost creator] J.J. Abrams, are you here?”

I think that this is a good time for me to reiterate that this was a tribute, not a roast.  Isn’t Julia the classiest and most sober broad ever?

Update: Beet here, interrupting Wendie and her “issues.” :) We have the vid now:

Roger Friedman is a long-time Fox News entertainment blogger, and according to the parent company of Fox News and 20th Century Fox, he’s out of a job today.

It all started Thursday, when Friedman wrote a review of the not-yet-released, 20th Century Fox production, X-Men Origins:  Wolverine. An illegal copy was leaked to the internet; a disaster that could cost the studio “millions in box office receipts.”  The studio was quick to respond, distancing itself from its sister company, Fox News:

“We’ve just been made aware that Roger Friedman, a freelance columnist who writes Fox 411 on Foxnews.com — an entirely separate company from 20th Century Fox — watched on the Internet and reviewed a stolen and unfinished version of ‘X-Men Organs: Wolverine.’ This behavior is reprehensible and we condemn this act categorically — whether the review is good or bad.”

So, yeah.  Screwing over your own company will get you fired (even though, as of now, Friedman claims that he has not been terminated.)  End of story.  But this dude has been on my radar for awhile now, because of something that actually happened a couple of weeks ago.

Everyone jumps on me for my distaste towards America’s Sweetheart Homewrecker, but here is more evidence that she just is not a nice person.  On March 16th, Friedman attended the premier of Julia Robert’s flop movie, Duplicity.  He approached her, asking for a comment and she was beyond an ignorant bitch.

Once, Warren Beatty, whom I do consider the smartest guy in Hollywood, told me: “The biggest mistake you can make is to think no one’s reading what you write.”

But that’s Warren, he’s in a different league, and he knows everything going on around him.

Not so Julia Roberts, apparently. Mother now of three kids, she probably doesn’t have the time to read anything. She certainly doesn’t read this column. When she saw me last night at the premiere of her sleek new thriller, “Duplicity,” Roberts didn’t hesitate to cut me dead. She was rude, downright nasty, and dismissive. She snubbed me in front of other people to make her point, and later cut in between me and director Tony Gilroy to make her point. Her behavior was unexpected and chilling.

So what was the problem? Her officious publicist, Marcy Engelman, said: “She knows you broke the embargo on her play and wrote bad things about her.”

Indeed, a top agent at the party said, “Julia said, ‘that’s the man who writes bad things about me.’””

Not only is Julia Roberts a little fucking crybaby, she’s a little fucking uninformed crybaby.  The play that Marcy Engelman is referring to is Roberts’ 2006 Broadway debut, Three Days of Rain.  You may remember this as the production in which Julia Roberts was universally panned.  Would you like to see the review that this bastard Roger Friedman wrote?

As for Julia: She was very good on Saturday afternoon. We heard her clearly in the last row. She has a strong stage presence and I suspect it will just get better and better as she warms up for opening night. She is funny and charming when appropriate, somber and grim with conviction too. She has all her lines digested and you cannot take your eyes off of her. She actually injects some life into that first-act character with some real Roberts sarcasm. It’s most welcome. In the second act, though, she combines her best riffs from her performances in “Steel Magnolias” and “Ready to Wear,” among others.

And she does not look thin, gaunt or unhappy. Quite to the contrary, she has a supple energy. Our audience went wild for her, with a standing ovation and cheering. So there.

As our usher said, she’s already very good and by opening night, pow!

So retract those claws, kitties. And get ready. No, she’s not Cherry Jones or Phylicia Rashad — yet. But she’s a movie star and can act circles around anyone, and she’s going to be a sensation in the papers on the morning of April 20.

My guess is this will open the door for her to alternate doing plays and movies, and that can only be a good thing.

I feel bad that Roger Friedman was so stupid as to not only admit to watching a bootleg copy of a movie produced by his own employer, but that he thought it prudent to publish a review for it as well.  But I love and adore him for exposing Julia Roberts for the vindictive little wench that I’ve always known was lurking behind that flounder face.

Get it?  Do you get it?  I’m saying everything twice because Julia’s movie, Duplicity, tanked on its opening weekend.  Sigh…I make me laugh.

Here’s the deal:  Duplicity is probably a pretty good movie; it pulled in $14.4M.  But it’s where society is at right now.  We want senseless crap that requires as little processing as possible.  I think Dr. Phil calls the food version of this phenomenon Low Response Cost…vittles that you can mindlessly ingest.  Therefore, Duplicity was trumped by the #2 bromance flick, I Love You, Man which saw $18M in ticket sales.

Knowing was the number one movie of the weekend, pulling in $24.8M.  This film has to do with astrophysics and catastrophe avoidance.  Fuck, there goes that whole mindless fun theory.  Disproved once again.

Regardless of the reasons for Julia’s decline, what I really can never forgive or forget is Huffington Post’s headline regarding this week’s box office receipts:  Cage Creams Bromance And Julia Roberts.

Gross.  Gross.

1. “Knowing,” $24.8 million.

2. “I Love You, Man,” $18 million.

3. “Duplicity,” $14.4 million.

4. “Race to Witch Mountain,” $13 million.

5. “Watchmen,” $6.7 million.

6. “The Last House on the Left,” $5.9 million.

7. “Taken,” $4.1 million.

8. “Slumdog Millionaire,” $2.7 million.

9. “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail,” $2.5 million.

10. “Coraline,” $2.1 million.

Roberts on David Letterman, March 17th

Earlier in the week, Evil Beet posted some pics of Julia Roberts with what looked like strands of pinko hair peeking through her blonde layers. Sorry to disappoint those of you who thought it was a midlife crisis or a show of support for Breast Cancer Awareness month– which I could totally see some well-meaning but thoughtless celebrity doing. “Hey! Let’s all dye our hair pink in support of women with breast cancer… because they don’t have any! And pink is pretttttttty!” Instead of doing something really empathetic like getting massive hemhorrids or throwing up when you eat so much as two spoons full of chicken soup. There are celebrities that do that too, but I doubt it’s in support of breast cancer awareness.

Anyway, in her March 17th appearance on Late Night with David Letterman (see gallery), Julia confirmed that the pink strands were neither altruisitic nor a botched dye job; her daughter told her she should do it, so she did.

“Hazel thought I should,” a matter-of-fact Julia replied. “For someone who wants enthusiasm and support but perhaps less attention, I don’t think that having pink hair is the way to go…So I went for just a little bit.” While Hazel was pleased with the end result, her brother was even more enthusiastic! Reveals Julia,“Finn is crazy about it. He’ll stop people in the market. ‘Sir, sir. Look at my mommy’s hair!’”

Is there anything more adorable than a 4 year old boy named Phinnaeus using the word “sir?” I picture him wearing a three piece suit and doffing a hat to the passers by when he says it.

At first I thought it was just some weird lighting, but after looking at all these photos, I’m fairly certain that strands of Julia Roberts’ hair was dyed pink at the NYC premiere of her new film Duplicity. I have no idea why.

And I have to say, she looks amazing. There’s definitely been some work done in the past few months, but whoever her plastic surgeon is, I want his number. She looks fantastic! Except for the mouth. It’s still kind of ridiculous when she smiles. But, ya know what, she was born with that mouth. She chose those shoes. You have a much better eye for plastic surgeons than for footwear, Miz Roberts.

You know it’s a slow news day when I resort to talking about Julia Roberts.  Oh, sure, she’s America’s sweetheart, but I still view her as a homewrecking slut who broke up a marriage and flaunts her loser husband around like he’s a Birkin.  It’s been years, but I’m bitter and I hold grudges.

Anyway, Julia is on the cover of March’s Allure magazine talking all about life with her hot husband, and by “hot” I mean “stolen”, and their three children.

“I will never be bored again,” the Oscar winner, 41, tells Allure for its March issue.

“Danny and I talk about, ‘What did we do with all the time we must have had?’ ” she says. “Because you don’t recognize it as such, until you have all these little … time thieves running around your house.”

Focused on raising her three children – twins Hazel and Phinnaeus, 4, and another son, Henry, 20 months – Roberts has become creative in using home remedies when it comes to removing a splinter.

“We get a lot of splinters in our house,” says Roberts, whose new movie is Duplicity, with Clive Owen.

“A splinter is just a good light, a pair of tweezers and a lot of singing songs and passing the time: La-la-la, now listen, if you eat all of your dinner It’s distraction and extraction.”

Really?  Julia doesn’t find splinter removal boring?  I can’t deal with her sanctimony.  Because I actually find most aspects of parenting to be completely fraught with tedium.  As a matter of fact, I have three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I’m supposed to be making right now and the thought of doing so is making me want to fling myself into traffic or drive a railroad spike into my forehead.  I need a nanny.  And I need Julia Roberts to leave the country.

Hmmm, I don’t know how I feel about this. It looks like they’re getting close to making a film version of the totally amazing book Eat, Pray, Love … with Julia Roberts in the lead role.

Columbia Pictures is in negotiations to pick up the movie rights, released by Paramount Pictures, to the best-selling memoir “Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.”

Columbia is also in the process of making deals with the actors and filmmakers already connected to the screen project. They include Julia Roberts, who would star; “Nip/Tuck” creator Ryan Murphy, who would write and direct; and Brad Pitt and Dede Gardner, who would produce via their Plan B production company.

It’s not that I don’t like Julia, but I just totally did not picture her for this role. I picture someone younger and softer. More vulnerable, I guess. But could this role be the reason Julia was recently spotted sight-seeing in India?

I dunno, I guess the book just meant a lot to me, and I really don’t want to see it as a movie. It’ll lose so much in the translation.

I’m actually going to see the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, speak here in Seattle in a couple weeks. If they do Q&A I am definitely going to be asking her for her thoughts about this.