“Make a nice dinner reservation now, because that’s the biggest night out of the year – says the former hostess – have a nice glass of wine, and take your top off.”

- Julia Roberts tells a reporter how to have a successful Valentine’s Day while promoting Valentine’s Day.

Billy Bush scored an interview with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts on last night’s Golden Globes red carpet, but the two A-listers had an agenda. After Julia got her obligatory “Happy Birthday, Michelle Obama!” out of the way, Tom realized that he was being interviewed by an NBC reporter. NBC. You know, that network that’s been in the news for sucking and being jerks a lot lately. “Yeah, we got great information from another network”, says Tom. Julia took a moment to realize what he meant by that and then says “Another network? Yeah! NBC, you guys are in the toilet right now.” Bush laughed it off, but you could tell he was unprepared to be sass talked by Tom Hanks and a seemingly buzzed Julia Roberts. Pretty funny.

Well, I have a feeling it’s going to be “one of those days”. Just being upfront about it. It’s a slow news day so far and I didn’t even get an hour’s sleep last night because there was some crazy fight going on in the apartment next door and then they started doing construction on my street at roughly six AM. I look like I’ve been up all night smoking crack and trust me, I wish that was the truth because at least I’d have an excuse for reporting on Julia Roberts becoming the new Lancôme spokesperson. Oh, look. There are two names I haven’t heard in about six years. Julia Roberts and Lancôme. I think that was the make up my aunts used in the 90s.

From People Magazine:

When it comes to gorgeous, you can’t get better than the original “Pretty Woman.” Lancôme has just announced that Julia Roberts will be their global ambassadress. “By her remarkable personality and career, Julia Roberts is an emblematic woman of her time,” said Youcef Nabi, president of Lancôme International, in a statement. “Her exceptional talent, her radiance and her strong commitments perfectly echo Lancôme’s values. We are convinced she will embody the brand in the most sublime way possible.” The beauty brand remains quiet about additional specifics of her role, but check back for more as details roll in.

Global ambassadress? That’s the most highfalutin job title I’ve ever heard in my life. “Emblematic woman of her time”? Who the hell are they talking about? Joan of Arc or Julia Roberts selling moderately-to-high priced foundations to aging housewives who can still manage to afford that shit in this current economic climate?

Ugh, at least she’s not being a total hypocrite and going with an eco-friendly line that aligns with her pre-established title of Mother Nature. Or something.

Leave it to Julia Roberts to piss off an entire temples-worth of Hindus!  She’s in India filming Steal, Your, Husband Eat, Pray, Love despite Beet’s many protestations.  Part of the movie is being filmed in the Hari Mandir temple, located in the town of Pataudi and this presents a problem.

The fall is one of the holiest times of the year for Hindus.  This movie production has prevented worshipers from being able to access their temple during Navratri, a religious festival, and the locals are not happy.

In addition to not being able to visit their house of worship, the security detail surrounding Julia Roberts has been described as “presidential”.  She has a bullet-proof vehicle and helicopter to cart her big mouth around.

Hey, making movies is a big production and someone in town agreed to all this crap.  But since this is Julia Roberts we’re talking about, can we just blame the whole thing on her?

Per usual, Julia Robert’s hook nose is out of joint about something that the rest of the world probably finds (if not mildly amusing) totally innocent.  Julia “I’ll Take Your Husband Off Your Hands” Roberts has taken task with Julia Stiles — her costar in Mona Lisa Smile — for participating in a spoof video that makes fun of eco-conscious celebs.  

Julia Roberts – a famously eco-conscious mother of three who uses flushable diapers, drove a Toyota Prius and even helped invent a “green” household cleaner – isn’t laughing at her former Mona Lisa Smile’s co-star’s joke.

“While Julia thinks Julia Stiles’ heart is in the right place, she shouldn’t make fun of others who are trying to help the environment,” said the source.

“Julia thinks her former co-star would be better off directing her humor at people who are trying to destroy the planet… not those helping it!”

Normally, I don’t put much stock in National Enquirer print articles, but this is Julia Roberts we’re talking about.  This is Julia Roberts we’re talking about — I believe every. single. word.

Hey, Julia — instead of destroying people’s marriages, why don’t you try to find single men to impose your sanctimony upon?

Julia Roberts insists on continuing to star in the film version of Eat, Pray, Love and has not yet been replaced by Rachel McAdams, despite the many phone calls I have made to the studio. (And contrary to what the harassment suit would like you to think, the phone calls were not threatening, they were helpful.)

Here’s Julia ruining a perfectly good movie in Rome today, on the Piazza.

Listen, I don’t harbor Wendie’s all-consuming hatred for Julia Roberts, but Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books ever, and I’d never pictured Julia Roberts in the lead role. I was thinking of someone younger, someone more playful, more malleable. Maybe a Kate Hudson or a Rachel McAdams or a Charlize Theron. Definitely not Julia Roberts.

It occurs to me that what I’m doing here is exactly what sometimes bothers me about my own readership — I found a book that I love, that I relate to, that speaks to me, and of course now I want the main character to be exactly like me, and I’m upset that she might not be. It’s something I see in the (fabulous!) hate/complaint emails I get from my own readers. I read why they’re upset, and then it occurs to me that, mostly, they’re disappointed because I’ve said or done something that makes me less similar to them. This is what I’m doing here. I’m disappointed, because I wanted Elizabeth Gilbert to be just like me, and that’s not how Julia Roberts is going to play her.

Anyway. The bright side? Javier Bardem is going to play Felipe. SWOON! I hope he’s all like “HEADS OR TAILS LIZ???” and then shoots Julia Roberts in the head.