Josh Hartnett checked in to the hospital early Monday morning, complaining of abdominal pain severe enough that he had to go in by ambulance. And I’m willing to bet that even famous people don’t prefer to go to the emergency room by ambulance unless it’s serious. He was released today, but information about what caused the “flare up” is sketchy at best. According to E! Online:

The Sin City stud was taken by ambulance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles early Monday morning for severe abdominal pain. He has since checked out.

“He is out of the hospital,” Hartnett’s rep, Susan Patricola, tells E! News. No further details—including the actual date of his release—were given.

However, Sienna Miller reportedly flew from Miami to visit him in the hospital Wednesday.

Earlier this week, Patricola described the stomach problems as “a flare-up of a gastro-intestinal problem that plagued him while he was starring in the west end of London during the production of Rain Man.”

There’s absolutely no reason why anyone over the age of 13, who is ostensibly getting paid reasonable amounts of money to write this shit, should refer to someone as “stud” when the words immediately following are “taken by ambulance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.”

Unless that article was written by me for this site, and it wasn’t.

Here’s Josh Hartnett and some overall unfortunate hair leaving his final stage performance in Rain Man on London’s West End.

Thank goodness!

Now that he doesn’t have to show up for eight performances a week, Josh can finally enjoy a caterpillar roll without running the risk of pulling a Piven.

Also, if you think I am ANYWHERE CLOSE to being done making jokes about Jeremy Piven’s sushi-mercury poisoning, you are tragically mistaken. I’m gonna do this shit forever. Seriously, on my death bed, I’m gonna be all like, “Keep my corpse away from sushi! No Samantha Jones shit for my dead body! Don’t wanna pull a Piven, ya know!”

Rumors began this morning that Josh Hartnett had sexual relations with some chick in a hotel library, and the library’s security cameras caught the whole thing in grainy black-and-white detail.

This story raises a number of questions, the most pressing of which is: since when do hotels have libraries? Who the hell calls room service like “Um, yes, I’ll have a cheeseburger, a bottle of Shiraz and anything Upton Sinclair wrote before 1925.”

WTF?

At any rate, if this tape does exist, the infamous producers of the Paris Hilton sex tape wanna get their hands on it and they’ve offered whoever has the tape $500K for it.

We are the number one distributors of celebrity sex tapes and we encourage the owners of the tape to bring it to us,” said David Joseph, CEO of Red Light District. “Josh shouldn’t be embarrassed. As we’ve seen with Paris Hilton, these tapes can make a career not hurt it and since Josh is considered a sex symbol, we would expect women to help increase sales.”

I’m okay with this, as long as we can all agree to call it Black Hawk Goes Down. Anything else would be a gross mishandling of justice.

Hey, you guys, you know what’s amazing?

The Butterfinger pies they have at Burger King now. I’m not even getting paid to say this, I swear. They’re just really, really freaking good. I find myself driving to Burger King, like, every day to get one. Like I went to get a spray tan today and ended up at Burger King instead. The car just goes there now. I tried one on a fluke, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s like a little slice of heaven in a cardboard box. They’re better than sex, I swear, and they seem to return my calls with about the same reliability.

Anyway.

The Mirror has some dumb “quote” from Rihanna about Josh Hartnett.

“I’ve fallen for him big time. He is so hot and he is really sweet to me. When we hang out it feels right – even though it’s still pretty new.”

Look, I totally agree that these two have fucked, but she didn’t say this. Firstly, because nobody says that. Honestly. Say those words aloud, and think to yourself “Would I ever say that? Would anyone I know ever say that?” and you’ll realize the answer is no. Secondly, because Josh has gone to great lengths to deny a romance, and, if she really had feelings for him, she wouldn’t fuck him over by going all public with it. She didn’t say this. But it’s a slow news day, so it’s getting reported here.

I’m going to eat my Butterfinger pie now and hope the day gets better.

I guess Rihanna’s supposed thing with Shia LeBooeuiiyf fizzled and died.

She was spotted making out with Josh Hartnett at Pink Elephant in NYC.

They “didn’t come together, but left together,” says a spy.

The hyper-attractive couple were spotted at the Delancey in NYC. Josh was feeding fruit to Penelope as they were making out. Ugh. Get a room, people.

The pair was also spotted at Alias Restaurant (please tell me Jen Garner’s the head chef) on Sunday.

Tara Reid can still get modeling jobs. [Rappy's]

Josh and Scarlett have come to terms with the fact that they are the sexiest people under 30 on the face of this planet, and they simply have no choice but to date each other. [The Blemish]

Joan Rivers, now officially senile, thinks this country considers Jessica Simpson an intellectual. [Agent Bedhead]

Yes, of course Halle Berry’s releasing an album. What did you expect her to do at this stage of her career? Act? [Pop on the Pop]

Evangeline Lilly’s Hawaii home burns down. This is where I write a joke that demonstrates some background knowledge of Evangeline Lilly or that show she’s on. I have no such knowledge. [Bricks and Stones]

Check out the first track from Whitney Houston’s comeback album. [Bossip]

American Idol fourth-placer Chris Daughtrey’s album debuts at #2 on the U.S. charts. [Perez Hilton]

Check out Beyonce’s new video for “Listen,” from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. [popbytes]

Kevin Federline has a thing for women who like the whole world to see their naughty bits. Isn’t that right, Kendra Jade? [Pop on the Pop]

Josh Hartnett’s mystery girl revealed: she’s Amber Sainsbury, who did some show called Hex for 11 episodes in 2004 and is currently co-starring with Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. Also: she’s not as pretty as Josh, which is how I reckon he prefers it. [BWE]

Nick Lachey bought a minor-league baseball team this week. What did you do? [ICYDK]

Matt Lauer named his newborn son Thijs. Pronounced “Tice.” I am supposed to say something mean here (preferably referencing the unfortunately named Paltrow offspring) but I have a fabulous friend at school named Tejs (pronounced similarly), so out of respect for the fact that he did my finance homework all quarter, I just have this to say: Way to name a kid, Lauer! [Cele|Bitchy]

Rumors of trouble in the ScoJo/Hartnett paradise have been circulating for awhile. Scarlett is said to be unhappy with the fact that Josh is always away filming, and I think Josh is having some trouble coping with the fact that every man on the planet jacks off to his girlfriend. Remember, before Scarlett, Josh dated his high-school sweetheart, Ellen Fenster, until early 2004, way after he was already famous. So is it really a big surprise that he’s back to messing around with a no-name?