The Jonas Brothers have hired additional security to hold on to their boxer shorts.  I hear this shit and seriously don’t believe it, but reportedly, someone has been stealing the Jonas’ underwear out of their suitcases and leaving notes behind that read “Your Undies Are Safe With Us…The Undies Snatchers!” 

Are these people fucking kidding me?  Now, provided that they show up on Ebay, I have to ask:  Who the hell would want Joe Jonas’ Underoos?

America’s sweetheart turns 16 years old today.  Doesn’t it seem like she’s been turning 16 forever?  Like closing Disney so 7,000 people could celebrate her big day wasn’t enough.  They better not roll out a cake for her tonight when she performs at the American Music Awards.

Here is Miley arriving at the AMAs looking totally age appropriate. 

I’m sure Beet will have plenty of coverage on the AMAs tomorrow but here are a few of my random thoughts on the first arrivals:

Christina Aguilera, seriously, what has happened to you?  It’s like your face totally changed when you got pregnant and it never returned to its original state.  I realize part of it is just a normal maturing but something looks…off. 

As off as seeing Pink as she appears tonight.  She gets a lot of criticism so I give her credit for wearing such a feminine.  I think she’s damned if she does or doesn’t; I just never imagined I’d feel so uncomfortable actually witnessing her in an evening gown and nose ring.

I had to look up who the hell Shailene Woodley was.  I guess she stars on some show called The Secret Life of an American Teenager.  You’ll know her better as the chick wearing flower pots on her feet.

Toccara has been looking good.  And by good I mean like a drag queen.

I’m unnaturally distracted by Dancing With The Starsjudge Carrie Ann Inaba.  Is she missing a set of eyelashes on one eye? 

And finally, Ashley Tisdale.  You’re cute, you’re wealthy.  You haven’t been romantically linked to any Jonas brother.  Cheer up…life is good! 

More stuff that’s just too good to be true: Variety reports that The Jonas Brothers have signed on to make their big-screen debut in the film adaptation of the Walter the Farting Dog books. While it’s not official, it’s looking like the Farrelly brothers will direct.

The title character in the “Walter” books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

“By the time they’ve driven the dog home, everybody’s head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie, and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn’t notice the stench coming from Walter,” said Peter Farrelly.

While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.

DUDE.

My dog needs to star in this movie. Or at least provide the smells. He is the farting-est puppy on the planet. Honestly he weighs seven pounds, but sometimes I have to evacuate entire rooms for hours after he infects them. The first time I ever heard of this book is when I was Googling for “Why does my dog fart so much?” Not a joke. It’s true.