Is everyone SO EXCITED for the bloody mess that will (hopefully!) be the return of Jon & Kate Plus 8 to TLC on Monday? I KNOW I AM. There’s a preview clip from E! above. Do you LOVE the body language or WHAT??

Says the President of TLC: ““You’ll see Jon struggle in the kitchen trying to make pizza for his kids. You’ll see what its like when Kate has to put a tent up for the first time for her kids, who love to camp in their backyard. And she gets a little advice from her daughter who doesn’t think she does it quite as well as dad.”

And as to whether or not we’ll get to see Jon running around Manhattan with his new barely-legal harem? “As far as new people and places that may be cycling into Jon and Kate’s lives, we’re taking it on a case-by-case basis,” she says.

Ooooh, don’t let us down, TLC!! DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA.

The prodigal son returns! Jon Gosselin and his rapidly expanding belly dragged their hungover selves back to Wernersville today, where Jon promptly lit up a cigarette and did his best impression of the Loch Ness monster for the paparazzi. This guy, I’ll tell ya. All class. I’m sure Kate is BEYOND DELIGHTED that he’s smoking cigarettes outside the house while he’s not busy traipsing around the world sucking face with every recent college grad who’ll have him. This is exactly what she had planned for her life.

While Jon nabbed an NYC bachelor pad for his kid-free time, Kate has recently picked up a condo in Rockville, a wealthy part of of Maryland. Why Maryland, you ask? Wellllll, her bodyguard and rumored side-squeeze, Steve Neild, lives there and works just a block away from her new place. (Wait, doesn’t he work for her?) As we exclusively reported yesterday, Jon’s been telling people that Kate was cheating on him before the divorce. This move on Kate’s part only lends credence to the rumors that she was fooling around with Steve.

Oh, man. These Gosselins. When I first tuned in years ago to watch the eight adorable youngsters, I had NO IDEA how much fun the PARENTS would turn out to be. Love it, love it, love it.

I’m hearing this exclusively from one of my favoritest and most reliable New York party-scene sources:

Jon was totally at a house party in the Hamptons this weekend making out with girls and in the middle of casual conversations was mentioning Kate cheating on him… And Ed Hardy…mentioning that in casual convos. Oh yes and the whole time he traveled with a bodyguard and a driver… Classy eh? Guess he is out there because of a developer friend… Not just Mr Lohan :)

Wow, Jon Gosselin just gets awesomer and awesomer with every new drunken, slutty story. I think I love this man. But homeboy needs to lay off the booze — his stomach and his face are both expanding rapidly. How is he going to sleep with 22-year-old famewhores if they can’t get to his penis because his beer belly’s in the way?

Have you ever noticed that Michael Lohan is really good at focusing on anyone’s problems but his own?  He’s still holed up with Jon Gosselin and Star reporter “Kate Major-ly Insane” on Long Island and has now taken on the responsibility of speaking on Jon’s behalf.  I’d have to say that Michael Lohan is the last person that I’d want talking to People — to anyone — about me, my kids, or my relationships.  The last.  

Even as Jon Gosselin prepares for divorce, he hopes to remain close to his wife Kate, mom to their eight kids, according to pal Michael Lohan. 

“He would love to be friends with her,” says Lohan, the estranged father of Lindsay Lohan, who’s been showing Gosselin around the Hamptons. “They had eight kids and he would like to work things out the right way and just be friends.” 

The new buddies spent Saturday in Southampton, attending a business meeting, walking on the beach – where they were met by paparazzi – and shopping at a J. Crew store for clothes to wear to a polo match in Bridgehampton that afternoon. 

“A lot of opportunities are opening up for him,” Lohan says of his friend, referring to possible endorsement deals. 

Lohan also says Gosselin is in a good mood these days. “He’s fantastic and upbeat and said that he just wanted to concentrate on his kids and his career and his life,” he said. “It’s overwhelming for him but he’s handling it.” 

As for for Gosselin’s gal pal Hailey Glassman and the former Starmagazine reporter Gosselin’s been spotted with, Kate Major, “he’s not with either one right now,” Lohan reports. “He’s not concentrating on a relationship with any woman. He just wants to take a step back and deal with his family and his kids.” 

Now that Michael Lohan has found his way back into the spotlight, sources are coming out to People to say that Lohan needs to focus on the $12,000 he owes in back child support instead of attending polo matches with some reality-television dad-to-many.  

It’s hard to believe that there are any underage Lohans, but Ali is 15 and Dakota is 13.  I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t know there was a Dakota Lohan.  

Michael, the man who has an answer for everything, responded to the allegations.”That’s a total lie. I pay Dina and the kids cash all the time.”  Paying court ordered child support?  Not a good idea.

I truly hope Michael Lohan isn’t counseling Jon Gosselin on relationships.  Or parenting.  Or wardrobe.

Jon Gosselin has some tough lessons ahead and it appears that he’s going to learn them the hard way.  Beet reported last night that he had a new date, Kate Major — I call her “Kate Major-Ly Insane” — who happens to be a writer for Star magazine.  Today, that situation is spiraling out of control.

Jon maintains that he only had dinner with Kate (not his wife Kate, obvs) and she, in return, is claiming to be in love with Jon.  She said of their less-than-seven day involvement,  ”I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did.  I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him.”  Did I mention that she also quit her job today, now that her relationship with Jon presents a conflict of interest?

Jon — remember that he also has a crazy 22-year-old girlfriend to keep in handbags happy — told a friend, ”Oh my God, I can’t believe she did this to me.  What do I do? She’s totally (bleeping) me over?”

Jon, you’re an idiot.  You had dinner with a Star reporter and now you’re shocked that the morning after she’s telling everyone she rode you like a pogo stick?  History repeats itself; this isn’t a novel concept.  At this time, I ask you all to please Google the following:  Frank Gifford Hotel.  Oh, cripes … let me make it easy for you.  Click here.

… Michael Lohan is involved.

Yes, that Michael Lohan. You know he’s been salivating from the start of this, trying to figure out how best to exploit Jon’s naivete and worm himself into this story. Mission accomplished!

Yes, we all know that Jon Gosselin took Hailey Glassman to France last week, but this week he has a new girl on her arm. She’s Kate Majors, a reporter for Star, which wasted absolutely no time in getting her to confess to their coupledom. “I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did,” she says. “I went to do a story on Jon and ended up falling for him.”

My Lord, Kate Majors, your romantic life jumped straight off a porn set, drove from Malibu to New York in shiny-ass Cadillac, and bumped right into you, didn’t it? Wait … is that why your face looks that way?

And now, enter from stage left, Michael Lohan, who invited the twosome to chill with him at his place in the Hamptons on Wednesday. And Jon Gosselin, who is clearly uninterested in consulting with any professionals as regards his “image” or “career” or “future court dates,” accepted. He took the little girl to the Hamptons with MICHAEL LOHAN.

“Jon is a friend, he’s a great guy, he needed a place to get away to, and my doors were open to him and Kate Major,” Lohan says. “Jon and Kate [Major] are good friends of mine. She’s with him. Kate’s like a daughter to me. When she needed a place my doors were open.”

OMG. I don’t even want to think about the relationship Kate Major may have had with Michael Lohan before any of this went down. In fact, now I’m thinking it may have been Michael Lohan who instructed Kate Major to hook up with Jon and then take him to the Hamptons, so that Michael Lohan could become a part of this story. It’s just plain crazy.

Really, though, this plot has turned out so much better than anything I could have scripted, and I have a feeling it’ll continue to blossom beautifully. I mean, if Michael Lohan’s involved, you know Lindsay and Paris can’t be far behind. Come on, Universe. I’m asking nicely.

Jon’s job for the day: Pick up refills for his Swiffer in Manhattan while looking rather stoned.

Kate’s job for the day: Take three little girls to the pediatrician for a check-up while looking rather exhausted.

Those tables, they are a-turnin’! Team Kate FTW!