Last Saturday was my birthday.  Incidentally, thank you for the onslaught of well-wishes that many of you sent me through email, Twitter, and Facebook.  My husband made gluten-free cupcakes and family gathered ’round.  I hemmed and I hawed and couldn’t decide what my birthday wish should be.  My kids are healthy and happy, my spouse is great, I love what I do.  So I wished for the only logical thing:  That Jon Gosselin would finally fall off into the pit of obscurity.  Apparently, it was a powerful candle-blow, because that exact thing might be happening.

It could be a pre-emptive strike if TLC is going to fire him for violating the morals clause in his contract, but Gosselin told Us ”I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I’m living. This is 24/7.  I don’t even want to do taping for the show anymore.”

Sadly, Jon has no escape unless he can find an IT company that’s willing to a) allow him to wear Ed Hardy t-shirts to the office and b) pay him $75,000 a week to manage their network.  ”I have two houses and eight children to take care of and I need to work.”

So, I know the economy is tough, but are there any takers?  Really, you’d be getting an adequate computer dude and you’d probably become the most beloved corporation in all of America if you would just hire Jon Gosselin.  Take him off our hands, please!

When you think about it, isn’t it sad that the Gosselins get paid a huge sum of money — and need to keep doing it to pay for their house — to do what the rest of us do for free and off-camera?  Parent.

Jon Gosselin has opened up a lemonade stand to help supplement his income.  Sure, the paps are reporting it as Jon participating in a fundraiser in hopes of keeping the local volunteer fire station open (and if that’s even true, I’m sure they were filming it for a J&K+8 episode), but I think we know the truth.  Speaking of truth …

Jon seems to be trying to communicate something via his shirt.  ”Lies.”  I’m getting all Carnac the Magnificent on your ass — if the answer is “Lies” what is the question?  Some possibilities:

1)  What am I really good at telling?

2)  What, in my opinion, was the basis of my marriage to Kate?

3)  How do I keep my two young and blond girlfriends happy?

4)  How will I keep my kids from hating me when they get older and read all about me?

King of the Ed Hardey Douche Empire Christian Audigier has some things he wants us to know about his buddy Jon Gosselin. Apparently, he’s not the same man he used to be. Groundbreaking, we know.

Audigier does have some insight in to Gosselin’s relationship with Hailey Glassman, and tells People Magazine, “I met the guy for two days to see what he wanted to do as a job. In the beginning it was Jon and Kate, and then the guy came with another girl. He told me, ‘I’m going to come with my stylist. I need two tickets for the plane.’ So I said, ‘no problem.’ ”

Well, Audigier doesn’t seem too upset about his new buddy scamming a plane ticket to France off of him so he could have a European holiday with his trashy new hook-up. In fact, he seems to still want to work with Jon and mentions that the two might be collaborating on something having to do with bikes, because apparently Gosselin fancies himself somewhat of a biker.

We’d snark some more about how pathetic it would be to see a father of eight with an ex-wife and a girlfriend in her early 20s hawking choppers with dragons painted on them, but frankly, I can’t help but think that these three are a match made in heaven. The kind of heaven that’s actually hell, anyway.

Holy Whore Hound!  Jon Gosselin is shopping around a new reality television idea called — are you ready for this? — Divorced Dads Club.  I’m assuming that this will be something like a testosterone-infused version of the First Wives Club where the guys complain about how their exes tried to control them.  And when I say “control them” I mean “wouldn’t let them have sex with other women.”

Now, the Gosselins get paid $75,000 per episode for their disaster of a show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, but most of that moolah goes to the kids.  (I hate when my workhorses demand pay.)  So this show would be a way to freely materialize on being a divorced dad and he wouldn’t have to share the cash with Kate or the kids.  Really, it’s a perfect storm of greed.

I hope this show takes off for Jon, because he may be out of a job soon.  TLC has sent off a letter to Gosselin informing him that he’s in violation of the morals clause.  Morals clauses are ridiculous since morality is so subjective.  One could argue that Kate was immoral every time she berated her husband on national television.  However, TLC makes the rules and apparently you can’t be a married  boozer who lays other chicks while on a wholesome family reality TV show.  Personally, I think the Gosselins did a great job portraying what 60% of marriages look like — and they do call it reality television.

As I told you earlier, the Gosselins had an altercation last night which led to the police being summoned to their home.  Now, I am so happy to report that Jon took a few minutes to explain the incident to all the reporters that camp outside his house.  It’s like I am now destined to have a good weekend all based on the existence of this tape.  It’s a sign of God’s love, I’m telling you.

Jon accused Kate of “crying it up” for the police officers and talked with his hands a whole bunch.  Favorite moment?  Jon criticizing one of the paps for being unprofessional at 1:20.

It just keeps getting worse for the Gosselin family.  As the ratings show, America is sick of these two who couldn’t either find a way to keep it together for their eight kids or part in a truly amicable fashion.  Last night:  big fight at chez Gosselin.

There are a couple different versions of the chain of events.  Radar reports that Kate showed up at the house during Jon’s scheduled time.  That’s a no-no.  He wanted Kate to leave, she wouldn’t, cops were called.  INF Photo, the agency who was there taking pics, reports it a little differently.  According to the paps, Kate showed up at the house, upset because Jon had an unauthorized babysitter there with the kids.  She was locked out at the gate, screaming, cops were called.  No matter what, the show clearly needs to be renamed Jon & Kate Plus Hate.

Either way, the end result was that Kate checked into a Days Inn in Reading after eating a fast food dinner in her car.  I find Kate Gosselin’s reality — even if it’s one she created herself — to be a sad one.

Please, someone stop the bleeding!  This week’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 lost another four million viewers this week.  The experts are weighing in on what could possibly be causing this once popular show’s demise.  

“I don’t know if the show can make that new transition [from two parents raising eight kids to one parent raising the children],” said Robert J. Thompson, founding director of the Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture at Syracuse University. “It’s like if The Cosby Show, mid-season, suddenly became Married With Children.”

Added Marc Berman, senior television editor at Mediaweek: “Once all of this dies down and Jon and Kate aren’t in the news anymore, this could be a problem for the show. They divorce, they move on with their lives and so do the viewers.”

The Gosselin’s need to call it a day.  Once Kate became nearly unrecognizable and Jon starting hanging out in St. Tropez, their audience (which I suspect was largely comprised of mothers) couldn’t relate to them.  They are no longer the harried parents — a stay-at-home mom and an IT guy –living in a chaotic existence that so many people can identify with.