While Jessica Simpson is desperately trying to find her dog, Jon Gosselin is giving his away. These are photos of Jon spending his last moments with the family’s German Shepherds, Shoka and Nala, before sending them back to the breeder. Jon says he’s forced to give the dogs away because Kate doesn’t take care of them when he’s around.

Sources close to the family say the dogs have always been Jon’s — Kate was never psyched about the idea of adding two dogs to a family with eight kids — and Jon bought a bachelor pad in NYC where he couldn’t keep two German Shepherds. Ugh. People who adopt animals and then decide later that they just don’t want them really piss me off. Adopting an animal is a long-term commitment, just like adopting a child, and you have to be prepared to deal with having them as a part of your family even when it’s not convenient. It doesn’t seem at all fair to the kids that their dogs have to move out because their parents can’t keep their shit together.

Plus, how hard is it to “take care” of two German Shepherds when you live on a billion acres of land? Just make sure they have food and water and then let them run around and play and occasionally pick up their shit. It’s not like it’s harder than raising EIGHT CHILDREN.

Sigh. I’m pissed about this. Poor doggies. The good thing is that I’m sure they’ll get adopted back out really quickly. Everyone will want the Gosselin dogs.

You may not have noticed, but I’ve been trying to spare you the Gosselin stories.  At this point, I write about one out of every 12 I read.  You. Are. Welcome.  I know we’re all sick of these fame whores, but certainly you want to hear about how Jon fucked the nanny!  Especially since she confesses that the sex was romantic, but she wasn’t into the “pleasure”part of it, which we all know is code for “needle dick”.

Stephanie Santoro is a 23-year-old single mother who worked as a nanny for the Gosselins for a month.  According to the interview she gave to InTouch magazine, she was a body to lay on shoulder to lean on when Jon and Hailey Glassman had one of their famous breakups.  She also talked about being on the receiving end of — no, not an STD — one of the most cliched come-ons ever uttered:

We were talking on the phone one night, and the kids were all at home, and he was like, “What are you doing tonight?” and I didn’t have plans. So he goes, “Let’s hang out. We can go hang out in the hot tub and talk more about everything.” So I went over, and we were talking. He asked me if I could give a back massage, and I was like, “Okay, whatever.” So I gave him one and then he was like, “my turn.” While we were sitting there, he said, “Well, I guess we can kiss just once.” At one point he said, “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me, because it’s going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you.”

During their nine sex sessions “It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the best I ever had.” — they talked about a future and he promised to take care of Santoro and her daughter.  And since Santoro now has a story to sell to the tabs, I guess in some perverse way he did.

As an aside, remember a few weeks ago when Kate went all fucknutso on Jon and the cops showed up?  Kate was upset because Jon had a “non-approved” babysitter at the house.  Is there any doubt that it was this chick?  And while we’re betting, how much do you want to bet Kate will be having her hot tub removed?

The video isn’t embeddable, but you must click this link to watch Jon Gosselin do an exclusive interview with ABC Wednesday night. About Hailey Glassman, he says “I love her more than I did Kate.” He says Hailey gives him the respect and encouragement “that a man needs,” which was obviously absent in his relationship with Kate, and then he harps on about how you can’t choose who you love.

I don’t necessarily disagree with the statements he’s making, but, in the way he delivers those statements, he manages to sound entirely like a 12-year-old boy pleading his case to a teacher who flunked him because he didn’t do any of the homework all year. He’s desperate and unsure of himself and self-centered and the dog ate his homework and he loves the dog soooo much; he may even love the dog more than algebra. And why doesn’t anyone understand how hard it is for him to have a dog who eats his homework every goddamn day? Life is so unfair. The world needs to know how unfair his life is.

Kate’s response statement:

“For the sake of my children I maintain that I’m not going to go into details of aspects I believe should remain private.”

TEAM KATE.

A couple of weeks ago, Regis suggested to Kate Gosselin that he believed reconciliation was on the horizon.  She just stared blankly and they mercifully cut to commercial.  Lest any of you are holding out hope, Jon Gosselin is crystal clear on the possibility of a Jon & Kate Plus 8: Together Again in a new Good Morning America interview (it airs tomorrow).

“Our relationship will never be fixed,” he tells ABC News’ Chris Cuomo. “… I don’t trust her anymore. I was abused … I was beaten down … I’m not going back to that life style.”

“She knows the truth,” he says. “I wish to God, she would speak from emotions … She’s not speaking from the heart. Please — the stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV.”

Oh, yes.  I think “The stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV” should be worked into traditional wedding vows for everyone.  Jon Gosselin has lost all ability to edit and I’m really enjoying watching from the sidelines.  He’s like the kid who was raised in a strict Mormon household and then leaves home and moves to Manhattan.  He’s drunk with self-empowerment and personal freedom.

The breaking point in the marriage, according to Jon, came when he wanted to go out with his friends.  In case you didn’t know, I had a very similar fight in one of my own relationships.  When I was 14.

“In 10 years, I’ve never gone out … When she said, ‘I don’t want you going out,’ I … I used to say, ‘OK, I’m not going to go out.’ I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ‘You know what? I want to see my friends. I’m going out,’” he says. “That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate … I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision … I was beaten down for so long, I couldn’t even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what’s she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously. You know.”

At this point, Jon is spending time reconnecting with his family — his family that all obviously hated Kate.  ”My mom and my brothers, they say to me, ‘It’s so good to have the real Jon back. It’s so good to have the warm, loving, kind, caring person that we knew you when you were … before you got married.’  I’ve changed for her. Because I loved her … But don’t forget who you are. That’s what happened to me.”  Yeah, I’m sure his folks said that to him.  ”We’re so glad you’re back Jon.  We’re so happy you decided to quit marriage to the mother of your eight children and hook up with young twenty-somethings everywhere, all whilst wearing skull and rose t-shirts.”

Jon also griped about his $22,000 therapy bill — I can’t believe TLC hasn’t taken care of that — and hopes that Kate gets help for her issues.

“I learned about myself. If she’s not going to therapy, she’s not going to fix herself, then it’s not going to work. It takes two people,” he says. “I have a $22,000 therapy bill. I mean, I tried to have marriage counseling. I did it myself. She refused to go.”

Reflecting on his failed marriage, Jon says, “I felt maybe I was too passive. Maybe I didn’t stand my grounds 10 years ago — even to stick up for my kids. But it’s gone. I can’t get that back.”

“I don’t cry, I cried at my dad’s funeral. That’s it,” he says, “but like, I’ve cried more now in the last, like, eight months than … my whole entire life.”

What does Jon want to say to viewers?

“I just want to let the world know that I’m a real person with feelings,” he says. “OK, I’ve made mistakes. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go out to the clubs. But we all learn from mistakes, except mine are public.”

You know what, dude?  Your mistakes are public because every time you fuck another sorority girl and then justify it, you call your agent to set up an interview.  I’m sure a lot of what you said is true and I’m sure Kate has plenty of negative she could say about you.  She’s doing this controlled, pursed lips, politically correct thing and you’re giving away all the fodder that could be bound into a 99-cent bargain bin paperback.  I’m sick of the whole fucking lot of Gosselins.  Team Jon & Kate Evaporate!

We already discussed that Whitney was on GMA today, but one of our old EB faves was also on the show. Jon Gosselin took to the hot seat to answer some questions about his divorce from Kate and with his usual mouth full of marbles, he told Chris Cuomo that despite all of his hard work, Kate’s busy book tour schedule and her “abuse” is what drove the two apart. He makes his ex out to be a control freak bitch who left him at home to watch after their children. Ah, such a victim.

Let’s get something straight: These people are living a lifestyle that’s afforded to them because Kate pumped out sextuplets after already having twins and to many, that is an interesting story. I’m sure, when faced with the option, more people would rather talk to the mother that housed these children in her body than the father. That’s just how these things work. For Jon to take issue with the fact that he’s not making money off the extremely rare conditions that his children were born under the way he wants to, that’s just pig-headed and selfish. While another man would be proud of his wife and the way that they’ve both capitalized on this natural circumstance together, Jon Gosselin takes it as abuse. And he’s really gotten his way now, hasn’t he? Now Kate is always at home with the children and he’s gallivanting around the world with hideously tacky and unsavory people. He sure got her!

You know, I’m thinking that a 22 year old girlfriend may be exactly what he’s mentally capable of handling.

I don’t know how much more I can take, but Jon Gosselin hosted a Las Vegas pool party this weekend and I thought you should know.  The promoters of this party probably paid valid U.S. currency for this cheeseball to appear.  Money.  Though I’m sure, with a little negotiation, he probably would have agreed to be paid in cases of Magnum XLs and a lifetime supply of street vendor pretzels.

I put a few more pics of JG in the gallery because I know we have some Jonophiles around these parts.  Please take special note of the girl who has angel wings tattooed directly above her twat.  I’m staking claim right now and calling her the next Mrs. Jon Gosselin.

Kate Gosselin was on Larry King tonight looking gorgeous (not exactly well-rested, but calm and beautiful) and basically doing exactly what she’s been doing for months now — looking like the way better parent. However, she doesn’t straight-up come out and diss Jon — she says he’s a good father, but they differ on the actions he’s taking right now. Very nice, Miz Gosselin.

Also — say what you will about Larry King, the man’s a brilliant interviewer.