Like gas prices, I think we just need to accept that, where the Gosselin family is concerned, we can never go back.  There will never be a day where we pay under $2.00 for a gallon of fuel and there will never be a world in which we won’t be hearing about these people.  Ever.  So, I’m just going to report the newest because if I don’t, I get flooded with “How could you not write about …?” emails.  And they’re tiring.

Remember the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, that was giving interviews that she had an affair with Jon?  I know there are so many of them — I get confused too! — but I wrote about it here.  Well, now she’s claiming that Jon told her he was hacking into Kate’s emails, phone records and banking.

Kate, in a statement, says she’s “disturbed” by Stephanie Santoro’s allegations. “Ms. Gosselin is carefully considering all of her legal options regarding this matter, and she will pursue them if and when the time is right,” said the statement released by Schnader Harrison Segal & Lewis, her Philadelphia law firm.

Jon, meanwhile, says Santoro is lying. “I spoke with him today concerning this statement made by Stephanie and he unequivocally told me that he’s never illegally invaded Kate’s electronic privacy in any way,” says his attorney, Mark Heller. “He also finds it a little disappointing that Kate would give credence to an uncorroborated statement made by an individual who clearly has a motivation to tell stories about Jon that might result in financial [compensation].”

You know this is going to end up back in court, right?  Everything regarding these two ends up in court.  It’s what they do.

After years of watching the little Gosselin babies grow into resilient little children, the Jon & Kate Plus 8 disaster is over.

After Jon’s insistence that the children not be filmed any longer, TLC really wasn’t left with any choice but to cancel the show.  The last episode will air in November.  What does this mean?  No more constant “I do it for my kids, it’s all about my kids” crap from Kate, and Jon can officially breathe as loud as he wants to without fear of admonishment.

I guess Jon anticipates a healthy paycheck on the horizon to feed all those mouths that used to feed themselves.  We should all anticipate more stories about Jon catchin’ some brewskies with Michael Lohan while they ogle 17 year-olds.

Jon and Kate were back in court yesterday trying to work out their financial woes with a court-appointed arbitrator.  Remember how Kate accused Jon of taking out a bunch of money and Jon accused Kate of taking a bunch of money and they both denied it?  Well the truth is out and the liar is — this is where you’d expect to hear a drum roll but I’m limited by this medium — Jon!

The court has ordered Jon — oh, did you hear that he’s half Jewish now that he’s dating Hailey Glassman? — to return $180,000 back to the Gosselin family coffers by October 26th.  Kate will also have to provide an accounting for $55,000 that she spent on family-related expenses.  Hell, 25K was probably spent on the kid’s therapy co-pays.  Oy.

“Nobody wants their college pictures drudged up, especially if college is only four years ago for you. That’s why it’s so embattled, because it’s so current. You have President Obama who smoked pot like 20 or 30 years ago, or you have someone young with a celebrity who’s smoke pot four years ago, so it’s pretty current. If you smoked pot you smoked pot, it shouldn’t matter how old. She’s never wanted anything, taken anything from me, never said anything about anything. She loves me and wants to be by my side. I respect her for that and I love her for it. Everyone else that’s come into my life has basically taken money from me, burned me in the media, said lies about me and tried to drive wedges into my relationship with my family.”

- Jon Gosselin, comparing his trashy girlfriend Hailey Glassman to President Obama in a really delicious interview with PopEater.

Throughout this entire Gosselin divorce/feud between J + K about whether or not their kids should keep being filmed for their reality TV show, the couple has been maintaining that their kids haven’t really been effected by the whole “being pushed in to the spotlight/watching their parents fight publicly” thing. However, sources close to the family are saying that that’s not so true, and that the kids have been “acting out” for a hot minute now. The source, who spoke to Us Weekly said “They are confused and distraught and are acting out all the time in an effort to get attention from their parents.” Well, no duh.

And while everyone (including myself) has been quick to throw stones at the hunky monkey himself, J.Goss, the source is claiming that Kate is more to blame for the problems at home than she claims. “She barely talks to them. The nannies are doing 95 percent of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her.” It’s hard to know if this source is someone in Jon’s camp planting dirty quotes about his ex, but as someone who’s even briefly watched their show, I can tell ya that it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that ol’ Kate isn’t exactly nurturing.

But of course Jon is responsible for a lot of crappy behavior. He’s been overheard asking paparazzi what time his kids get home from school, snaps at the kids when they interrupt his phone calls and is apparently planning on throwing a “Fuck you, Kate” party once the divorce is finalized. Real mature.

One thing that Jon should double check before the party is the spelling of his ex-wife’s name. That seems to be an area of struggle for him, as he spelled his own daughter’s name wrong on her birthday cake yesterday. Yup. He told the bakery her name was spelled “Maddy”, not “Mady”. Yikes!

And that will conclude the Gosselin coverage for today. I’m going to hike up to the woods now with a gun wrapped in socks.

Damn! Is there a couple of birthdays in the house or is Jon Gosselin the best dad since Reverend Run, fool!?! Check it: Cara and Madelyn had a birthday that needed celebratin’, and J.G. came correct by rolling up with some bomb-ass cake and some fly-ass cards fresh from the rack at the UPS store. But don’t think our boy’s gone soft. Awwww, hell no! MC Johnny G was seen smoking cigs and pimp walkin’ all over NYC while he ran errands, yo. And not just that, he picked dem bitches up from school! Holla!

Nancy Grace is so awesome!  She had a little chit last night with Mr. Douchon Gosselin (as he continues his media tour of discussing how he’s going to focus on his kids and their welfare), in which she really just asked what all of America wants to know:  ”Why is everything about you?”  Watch until the end.  The look on Jon’s face is priceless.