That’s the problem with famewhores: They will team up with you to try and gain relevance and stab you in the back once it benefits them. Trust me, I deal with it all the time. There’s paparazzi parked outside my house right now. I mean, can’t a girl just walk her dog or get a damn latte without being inundated by flashbulbs and TLC and everyone wanting to know if I’m dating James Franco again? God! Fame is so crazy and fickle!

ANYWAY! TLC’s lawsuit against Jon Gosselin and they’re pulling out all the stops. The other day Jon’s trashy girlfriend Haily Glassman got her subpoena and today Michael Lohan got his. Oh, this is going to be more delicious than a number six value meal from Wendy’s. I can already feel it in my bones!

Michael’s input is important because two knuckle heads had been scheming together on some plans for endorsements, book deals. Michael said that he knew something was fishy with Jon, because he’d vacillate on his ability to get involved with such projects due to his TLC contract.

Lohan also quickly copped to the fact that Jon had taken cash money (aka not documented) for several appearances and gigs that were also in breach of his contract. Sounds like these two were really close, huh?

When you pore over hundreds of pictures of celebs every day, you start to see similarities.  Sometimes I notice that Rosie O’Donnell’s wife refuses to touch her during any public appearance and sometimes I’ll notice a few notables all wearing the same dress and every once in a while I’m fortunate to spot a very familiar douche stance.  What is it about douche’s and their insatiable need to straddle things with engines?

In fairness, Jon Gosselin was back to his Daddy duties yesterday and actually got his kids off the school bus.  Isn’t it sad that this is like, an event?  INF, like all the photo agencies, does nothing but watch Jon Gosselin all day.  Yesterday they reported that Jon rode a dirt bike and four-wheeler all afternoon until it was time to pick up the twins from school.  Seriously, that was his day — a day made possible by those TLC paychecks that will no longer be coming.  What a life Jon has and how grateful he should be both to a network that took an interest in his family and to his eight adorable children who kept viewers coming back for more.

Jon is on his apology tour and now Kate was all apologetic on last night’s TLC special, Kate:  Her Story.  Since they can’t film the kids anymore, we are treated to 42 minutes of Kate Gosselin’s thoughts and insight every single Monday night.

Kate admits to being too hard on Jon, but immediately negates her admission by stating that she had to handle everything.  You know what I think?  I think she took control over everything in their lives because it gave her the power to boss Jon around and then blame him when everything went to hell.  They both just wear me out so much, y’all.  (I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my recent overuse of “y’all.”  I’m not from the south and I’m not Britney Spears.  I have no good excuse.)

This is a whole lotta mea culpas goin’ on.  Could there be a reunion of these two?  Jon & Kate Decorate:  For The Holidays, That is.

It was just last week that Hailey Glassman admitted to the world (via The Insider, natch) that her boyfriend, Jon Gosselin, was sometimes emotionally abusive.  Yeah, you think that’s a bombshell?  Catch this:  Sometimes, Jon has trouble telling the truth.  I know, I know … you think you know someone.

Needless to say, Jon responded in the only logical manner.  Yep, he spent his weekend doing an apology tour — a PR agent’s wet dream.  He’s been speaking out with Rabbi Schmuley Boteach at his side — he’s the dude that Oprah loves –and admitting that he may have been misguided on some of his life choices.  Last night they were at the West Side Jewish Center and today I saw them on one of those morning talk shows, but I couldn’t stick around and watch because I had to race to my laptop and report the most important detail of all:  the diamond stud earrings are gone!  No skulls and roses and no bling in the lobes.  Who is this changed man?

At last night’s appearance, Jon explained that people just don’t understand him.  “I think I’m just misunderstood. I’m not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don’t sing. I don’t dance. I’m not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC.  behavior.  Half the stuff I’ve done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn’t have done.  I know that but I did it anyway. It’s like fame canceled out conviction.”  I guess I do have something in common with Jon — I don’t understand why he’s famous either.

Like all public apologies, this feels calculated.  I’m pretty sure that he and Hailey are over, though he claims that they are just slowing their pace.  “We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don’t want another failure in my relationships. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again.”

Speaking of repeating patterns, Jon stated that he’ll be privately apologizing to Kate and then immediately followed up that promise by making a public apology:

“I want to apologize to Kate in private,” he said. “I’ll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would’ve done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it’s almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it.”

Referring to himself and girlfriend Hailey Glassman, he said the two of them “should never have gone to France.”

Gosselin claims he is well aware of the public’s perception of him but insists he is his own harshest critic. “It’s hard for me because I can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done,” he said. “So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I’m sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness.”

To recap, Jon’s misunderstood, he’s still with Hailey even though she claims that he’s a liar, and he’s publicly announced that he’s going to privately apologize to Kate for all his wrongdoings.

Last year, it was Sarah Palin. I saw so many Palins on Halloween I thought was at the governor’s igloo in Alaska. This year– and I hope I don’t incur the wrath of Sasha by saying this– the most overdone costume is definitely Jon & Kate Gosselin. Our own esteemed Beet went to work yesterday dressed up as one third of a Jon, Kate, and Hailey Glassman trio. Check out the pics she posted to her Twitter.

As further proof this costume has jumped the shark, the couple we love to hate dressed as a pair of Gosselins and went out trick-or-treating. (Instead of candy they got 10 more minutes of fame.)

While I was out last night, I saw no fewer than 4 Kate Gosselins and 2 corresponding “Jons.” I can see why it’s a popular costume. That haircut is so terrible that it’s become downright iconic and in the same way that women use Halloween as an excuse to release their inner sluts, it’s also the one day a year you can indulge in truly hideous fashion and hair and not be held accountable for it.

It’s also a really easy couples costume to pull off. All you need is an Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blonde wig you’ve run over with a lawnmower then styled with super glue, and 8 battered, used baby dolls from the Goodwill store that you’re willing to exploit for your own personal gain.

So how many Gosselins have you seen today? Or is there another costume you’re seeing a lot of?

Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s pothead 22 year old girlfriend, has been running her mouth to the tabloids again, except now she’s dishing on her own man. Of course, the statement was made in an interview on The Insider that’s due to air tonight, so I’m sure that there’s either a hook like “but I asked him to do that because clearly I like to be punished! It’s a kinky thing!” or the Jon and Hailey (”Jailey”) are seriously that desperate to stay relevant. A source close to Jon says that he was comfortable with her doing the interview and told People, “He was very supportive of her doing the interview. He wants her to clear her name.” But did he want her to smear his in the process?

Now, call me irrational, but wouldn’t your girlfriend going on television in the middle of your public divorce that involves the custody of eight children and saying, “He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’ “, be a deal breaker? I would think that that would be a dealbreaker. Oh and this one, this one too: “Sometimes he has trouble with the truth and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him.” Really Grade-A material for his estranged wife’s lawyer, dontcha think?

And if Jon really is abusive to Hailey, well, sadly I don’t find that to be all that huge of a surprise, but I hope that someone in her life sees this public announcement about his behavior and helps her break it off.

We all have our own version of what a perfect world is.  In my edition, every rom-com actress would be put on a boat and shipped out to a far and distant land where every female cast member from The Hills would greet them at the shore.  Oh, and Jon Gosselin and Octomom are married and raise their 22 kids (did I do that math right?) together in the only infrastructure that could house them all — the Staples Center.

Sure, it may sound outlandish.  And the boat would never actually arrive at it’s destination before everyone would jump overboard just to escape Julia Roberts’ braying, but here is where reality is giving me the biggest smile I’ve had since The Beautiful Life got cancelled:  Octomom actually has a crush on Jon Gosselin.  (I almost typed “crust” instead of “crush” and I think either word works.)  Radar even has her admission on film.  Oh, God … please let this happen.  Jon and Nadya Plus 22 doesn’t sound too catchy, but I think with a little bit of imagination, we could come up with something great.  Mass O’ Massengills? Octodouche?