When I originally started typing the headline for this story, I typed “Sex Tap” by mistake.  Really, it would have been totally appropriate.

Deanna Hummel, the twenty-three year-old school teacher who was photographed driving Jon Gosselin’s car, has a sex tape.  This is so not surprising but it is disappointing that Jon Gosselin doesn’t make an appearance in it.  I like to think TLC, you know-the Two Lying Cheaters channel, would be interested in getting the rights to that.   I am just so uncool about these things having never had a love-cam in my own bedroom.

But this isn’t about me.  It’s about some scumbag ex-boyfriend of Deanna’s that bought her name as the domain to post four extremely NSFW still shots from their homemade video.   He’s taking offers.  He’ll start out at some ridiculously huge and inflated asking price like a million bucks and eventually unload it for six thousand.  Mr. Flabby Abs alludes to a history of Deanna screwing married dudes.  However, don’t we have to take everything this dude says with a grain of salt?

Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel’s ex-boyfriends.

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn’t surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn’t above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn’t a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn’t…yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

Can we take bids on how long it will take before Deanna Hummel gets fired from her teaching job for being too distracting of an influence?

I DON’T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND.

After news broke last night that Us Weekly had “confirmed” that Jon Gosselin was cheating on Kate with 23-year-old Deanna Hummer, the mistress herself spoke out to deny the allegations and claim that her brother — who “confirmed” the cheating — was a jackass. “My brother is making this all up,” Hummel tells People (recall that it was Us Weekly, their competitor, who broke the story last night). “He has no credibility … I can’t even stomach the lies he’s saying about me … My brother is very shady. He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He’s on probation right now … I’m so hurt that he put my occupation out there. He has put my job in jeopardy. I can’t take my kids to recess without worrying that people will come up and harass me and the other teachers. It’s not fair.”

It didn’t take long for Jon to issue a denial of his own. He released the following statement this afternoon:

These allegations are false and just plain hurtful. As I adjust to the attention that comes from being in the public eye, I need to be more careful and aware of who I am associating with and where I am spending my time. But the bottom line is, I did not cheat on Kate. I am sorry for putting my family in this awkward position, given some poor decisions and bad judgments I’ve made recently. I am working through this difficult time with my family. My family is my top priority

Well, if Jon says the allegations are false, surely they must be false, right? And it’s not at all that Jon is locked in the Gosselin basement with electric prods attached to his testicles while Kate types out a statement and then scrubs furiously at the kitchen floor, right? RIGHT?

In lieu of his favored email denials, Jon Gosselin has granted an interview to Entertainment Weekly to address the recent and now confirmed rumors that he is a cheater.  And in a move that certainly struck terror in my heart, his wife Kate also spoke.

EW: What did you think of the story and photo?
Jon: It’s really upsetting. I may be guilty of choosing the wrong time and place to hang out with my friends, but I am not guilty of cheating on my wife. It hurts me to see what it’s done to my family, and it’s scary to know that these tabloids are in town constantly following us and even paying locals large amounts of money to contribute to these negative stories. It’s even gotten so bad that [one tabloid] has reached out to a youth pastor from our church, which in my eyes is completely unacceptable.
Kate: It’s disturbing and unfortunate that these tabloids have gone as far as they have to try and bring us down. Jon’s poor judgment and irresponsible behavior has also without a doubt caused some added tension and stress between the two of us.

EW: Does the tabloid story make you want to spend even less time in public? Do you feel like you have to decline future requests for fan photos for fear they may end up in the wrong hands?
Jon: Our fans and the majority of viewers have been overwhelmingly supportive, but when tabloids take photos and turn them into something they are not, yes it definitely makes us hesitant to take photos with fans and go about our daily lives. We still want to live normal lives. We want our kids to have opportunities that we didn’t have growing up, which is why we participated in the show in the first place. But of course it makes us think twice about how we spend our time in public.

EW: Will you address how the tabloid coverage has affected your life in the upcoming season on Jon and Kate, which begins May 25?
Kate: I think we will address the bigger picture, regarding the very public focus on our family and the stress it’s caused in our relationship, but not necessarily any specific tabloid.

EW: That said, the latest tabloid coverage should only boost ratings for the fifth season of your show. Is this comforting, or troubling?
Kate: We are not concerned about the ratings right now. Our main focus is on our family and working through this.

Listen, it totally sucks to face personal trials in the public spotlight.  Kate may be a scary bitch, but even she doesn’t deserve this sort of public humiliation.  I hope these two can get it together.  Other high-profile marriages have survived infidelity in the past.  Look at Halle Berry and Eric Benet or Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez…oh…bad examples.  Um…uh…Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford-there you go!-they survived and Jon and Kate can too.

UPDATE: People is now reporting that Deanna Hummel, the gal who took Jon Gosselin’s uh…car for a test drive,  continues to deny involvement despite her brother’s claims.  “My brother is making this all up.  He has no credibility … I can’t even stomach the lies he’s saying about me.  My brother is very shady.  He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He’s on probation right now.”“

Hooooooly be-jeesus! I’m trying to watch American Idol in peace tonight (I LOVE YOU ADAM!) and I keep getting bombarded by text messages and emails about this story that broke tonight. Us Weekly claims they have confirmed that Jon is cheating on Kate with 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, despite the fact that she’s denied it. And who’s confirming it? Why, her older brother (and roommate), of course.

“She’s a nice girl, not a homewrecker,” her brother Jason says. “He is a bad liar. This isn’t healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.”

Ummmmm, you are helping NOBODY here but yourself, Jason. How much did the tabloid pay you for the “help” you’re providing to them?

And then it gets even grosser:

After Jon and Deanna met in mid-January at Chill Lounge in Reading, Pennsylvania (they sent each other $3 shots), Jason says Jon — who has twins, 8, and sextuplets, 5 — began relentlessly pursuing his sister. By mid-February, he was coming over to their Reading house.

On April 26 – while his wife Kate was traveling – Jon had Deanna over to sunbathe in his family’s front lawn. This was just seven days after they had first been photographed together at Legends Lounge at 2 a.m. in pictures that show he is not wearing his wedding band.

At the Hummel house, Jason says Deanna and Jon would “pretty much stay locked away like two teenagers. It was weird. He’s a grown man.”

He also adds, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

Ick! Nast! (Are they sure this is Deanna’s older brother?)

It’s not that I didn’t see this coming, but it’s still really heart-breaking. I mean, the sextuplets may be young enough to be sheltered from this, but you better believe Mady and Cara know exactly what’s going on here. No one should have to read about their father cheating in the tabloids. Then again, no one should have to be married to Kate Gosselin, either.

Deanna Hummer Hummel, the twenty-three year-old that was seen out with Jon & Kate Plus 8’s Jon Gosselin, spoke with People about that night and the misunderstandings regarding their friendship.

“We’re just friends,” Deanna Hummel, 23, tells PEOPLE exclusively. “It’s absurd that anyone would think otherwise.”

According to Hummel, she met Gosselin through a mutual pal a couple of months ago. Since then, the two have been hanging out – as part of a group of friends, not as couple. The social outings have included visits to each other’s houses and nights out on the town, but always with others there, and it’s always all innocent, according to Hummel.

“We just talk and socialize, the normal things you do when you see friends,” says Hummel.

Hummel admits that the two did show up at Legends Bar in Reading, Pa., recently, but says a published photo of her driving Gosselin’s car has been misinterpreted. “He just got this new car and I wanted to drive it. I’m into cars,” she says. “We all have guy and girl friends. Because of who he is, it gets portrayed the wrong way, and it’s unfair to him and his family.”

She also adamantly denies that Gosselin called her “babe” while heading to his car. “He did not by any means call me ‘babe,’ ” she says. “Nobody calls me babe. That made me laugh.”

What she doesn’t find funny, though, is being linked to a married man. “He’s a very nice guy, don’t get me wrong. But he’s married with eight children,” says Hummel, who is single. She adds that Gosselin “has a great family life. I would never ever think to pursue anything.”

I’m sure this chick is just trying to protect herself from Kate Gosselin.  Because when she tracks down this Deanna girl, she’s going to assault her with the sharp end of a Swiffer.

I can’t help but think that if the test drive story were truly that innocent, why would you continue to be talking about it weeks after the fact?  The lady doth protest too much, methinks.  And before you think I’m getting all Chris Martin on you, that’s Shakespeare, dudes.

This marriage is totally done for. I called it like a year ago. Someone better hurry up and option the rights to Jon Minus Nine, because it’s happening any day now.

After Jon Gosselin was spotted leaving a night club drunk, wedding ring-less and calling a non-Kate woman “babe,” National Enquirer is running a story about yet another cheating scandal:

In what could be the kiss of death for his family show, Jon & Kate Plus 8 star Jon Gosselin was caught kissing a beautiful young brunette at a motel hideaway, The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively.

The celebrated TV dad was spotted by a security guard April 18 at a motel only a short distance from his 26-acre Pennsylvania estate.

David Reitnauer told The ENQUIRER he saw Jon kissing the woman at the top of a side entrance stairwell on the second floor at the America’s Best Value Inn.

“It didn’t look like a friendly kiss. It looked like a romantic one – it lasted for about 10 seconds,” disclosed the guard.

Now, listen. I feel just awful for the kids involved here. I love every last one of them, and I love Kate for being a good mother to them. (Yes, that’s right, I said it. I think Kate Gosselin is a good mother.) But she is absolutely the wife from HELL. I cannot imagine being married to that woman; it would be worse than the part of dating Hef where you have to put his penis inside you. I cringe for Jon when I see her on TV, ripping out his balls for the entire country to watch. I don’t blame him one bit for wanting to get away from her. It just sucks that there are SO MANY kids involved. I’m sure Kate’s learning a very important lesson right now about letting go of control and letting life unfold as it may — it’s just sad that the kids have to learn it this way, too.

Oh, Jon Gosselin, father to many…

Hot on the heels of February’s drunk and cheating Jon Gosselin story with pictures, there is yet another drunk and cheating Jon Gosselin story with pictures.  And before seven hundred and fifty three of you respond with, “That’s not him!” he’s already acknowledged being out at 2 a.m. with his “friend.”

On April 18th, while wife Kate was in Bellevue, Washington peddling her new book Eight Little Faces, Jon Gosselin went to some club called Legends.  Before I go any further, how does a father of eight get to go clubbing?  I have three kids and find it difficult to get to my hairdresser once every ninety days without my darling little encumbrances.  Rant over-back to Jon.  Eyewitnesses at the club say that he arrived at 11:40 and stumbled out a back entrance around 2 a.m.  The term, “could barely walk” was spoken.

Jon was then heard yelling to a woman, “Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!” before hopping into his Nissan Nismo with aforementioned “Babe.”  Upon being confronted with the flash of cameras, they sped off without turning on their headlights.

As it turns out, Jon was just letting Babe take his unit car for a test drive.  In an emailed statement Jon said, “I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car.  Yes, I have female friends — but that is all she is. I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV.”

I don’t know what’s going on with the Gosselin union, maybe it is all just innocent, but Jon was also quoted in May’s Ladies Home Journal saying, “I always thought I would be, like, 54 years old and marry a 19-year-old or something.”

Now, if Jon is actually cheating on Kate, she’ll kick his ass out of that $1.3M manse before the next solstice.  I’ve seen her vicious attacks on dust bunnies.  There’s no way she’ll tolerate a cheating husband.  She hardly tolerates a breathing husband.