Sorry, y’all, I didn’t mean for this to be J&K day around here, but I posted on my Twitter and my Facebook about my thoughts when I finally watched (part of) the Jon & Kate Plus Eight finale from Monday night, and I got a billion responses like “You better put that clip on your website!” So, here it is.

I mean, is it slander to say Jon Gosselin is on a shitload of cocaine during this interview when it’s clearly the truth? It would be funny if it weren’t so damn sad. I like the part around 4:15 where he’s twitching and rambling about how he stupidly moved to the Upper West Side when everyone knows the best blow is on the Lower East Side, and that’s a mistake he certainly won’t make again. But it’s nice that he can escape to his “country house.” I get that he and TLC are at war right now, but that’s not a very good reason to show up to his final interview snowplowed out of his gourd. That’s just like biting off your nose to spite your face. He’s gonna have to live with this for the rest of his life, and so are his children.

The whole thing is totally hilarious and worth a viewing if you can just push out of your mind the reality that this man is a father of eight.

Jon Gosselin is about to be a free man, but don’t let Octomom Nadya Suleman know!  She’s already confessed that she’s got a little crush on the father of many, but this newest revelation should turn your blood cold.

Octomom is open to the idea of having more kids.  Fourteen kids is not enough for this clown car.   When asked about future babies, the psycho replied “If I wanted to do it the traditional way and get married.  That’s like another chapter.”  Beyond the fact that Suleman would ever agree to being pregnant again, I cannot believe that she is publicly admitting this.  Also, who is the man that would take on this brood?

If you think you can tolerate it, watch the video of her discussing, gulp, more kids:  here.

Speaking of turkeys, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I’m pretty sure you’ll all be enjoying the gifted Molls over the next couple of days and I’ll be back for more abuse love on Monday.  I’m thankful for you.

You guys, I think the Gosselin limelight may be fading. Kate Gosselin was awarded primary custody of her children today, and it wasn’t immediately, like, announced in Times Square. No one seems to care, really. In fact, the final episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight aired tonight, and it’s being replaced with Cake Boss, which is, incidentally, one of the worst reality TV shows I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Does that crapfest get ratings? Like, it’s a bunch of New Jersey Italians bickering about cake frosting. I care a lot about cake when I can eat it, but under any other circumstances I’m rather indifferent. I would be really sad if my show got replaced by Cake Boss. The least TLC could do is replace it with King of the Crown, which I love.

I’m not really sure exactly what the terms of the custody agreement are, and if it means Jon can’t four-wheel around their Pennsylvania estate and smoke cigarettes whenever he’s taking a break from eating compulsively, but this whole custody agreement got hammered out in a day. The rest of the divorce isn’t expected to be finalized until January, which I think kind of means that Jon rolled over on the whole custody-of-his-children thing, but he’s prepared to stand and fight over, ya know, his car. That’s sweet. My, how the tables have turned.

Here’s the takeaway point: For those of you who have spent the past two years begging the world to stop caring about Jon and Kate, I think your day may be approaching.

Jon and Kate Gosselin finally got together today… for an arbitration meeting. Yeah. They’ll definitely never be getting back together. Jon Gosselin, I am pretty sure, is on something. He showed up, smoked a cig, flashed off the copy of GQ he was reading for the paps and took an interview with Entertainment Tonight. Kate, who seems to have done something about “the hair”, kept to herself, looked professional and ready to get this whole ordeal settled. If there was anyone left on Team Jon, check out these pictures. (Oh, and some really good news? The divorce could be finalized by the end of the year. What a present for those eight kids.)

Professional fatty/waste of life Jon Gosselin hopped off a plane at LAX yesterday wearing this message tee. I mean, it’s not like this guy is looking for attention, right? And Quicksilver, Jon? Isn’t that like a 20 dollar t-shirt? What happened to the good ol’ days when you could afford those nice fancy bedazzled tiger/leopard/skull Ed Hardy tops, huh? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

If the shit didn’t hit the fan some time ago for Jon Gosselin, it definitely is now.

A former bodyguard of the “reality star” has been subpoenaed in TLC’s case against him and his testimony is going to be less than helpful in helping Jon gain custody of his kids.

The bodyguard is claiming that not only has he seen Jon do cocaine many times (no surprise there. His face has been looking like it’s been stung by bees for a minute now) and that he’s also seen Jon’s secret sex tape. Supposedly Jon made the tape while in LA back in October and some of his friends paid a girl to have sex with him while a hidden camera was running. Sounds like Jon is surrounding himself with a lot of savory people. Sounds like he’s on the right track.

It’s hard to tell if the bodyguard’s story is true, as it IS being reported by the Enquirer, but when it comes down to his legal testimony, he could do jail time for lying on the stand. Ahhh! This is all so exciting! I can’t handle it.

Jon Gosselin appears as himself in the newest episode of Funny or Die.  Quite frankly, I think they were going for some sort of humorous parody, but I just found it kind of sad.  Jon travels back in time to who he used to be.  Great idea if you ask me.

In a PopEater interview, Jon revealed that he’ll be spending both Christmas Eve and Christmas day with Kate and the kids, per the terms of their custody arrangement.  Other plans for the new year?  He’s going to start using his fame for good, folks!  Can’t wait to see how that looks.

That’s the problem with famewhores: They will team up with you to try and gain relevance and stab you in the back once it benefits them. Trust me, I deal with it all the time. There’s paparazzi parked outside my house right now. I mean, can’t a girl just walk her dog or get a damn latte without being inundated by flashbulbs and TLC and everyone wanting to know if I’m dating James Franco again? God! Fame is so crazy and fickle!

ANYWAY! TLC’s lawsuit against Jon Gosselin and they’re pulling out all the stops. The other day Jon’s trashy girlfriend Haily Glassman got her subpoena and today Michael Lohan got his. Oh, this is going to be more delicious than a number six value meal from Wendy’s. I can already feel it in my bones!

Michael’s input is important because two knuckle heads had been scheming together on some plans for endorsements, book deals. Michael said that he knew something was fishy with Jon, because he’d vacillate on his ability to get involved with such projects due to his TLC contract.

Lohan also quickly copped to the fact that Jon had taken cash money (aka not documented) for several appearances and gigs that were also in breach of his contract. Sounds like these two were really close, huh?

When you pore over hundreds of pictures of celebs every day, you start to see similarities.  Sometimes I notice that Rosie O’Donnell’s wife refuses to touch her during any public appearance and sometimes I’ll notice a few notables all wearing the same dress and every once in a while I’m fortunate to spot a very familiar douche stance.  What is it about douche’s and their insatiable need to straddle things with engines?

In fairness, Jon Gosselin was back to his Daddy duties yesterday and actually got his kids off the school bus.  Isn’t it sad that this is like, an event?  INF, like all the photo agencies, does nothing but watch Jon Gosselin all day.  Yesterday they reported that Jon rode a dirt bike and four-wheeler all afternoon until it was time to pick up the twins from school.  Seriously, that was his day — a day made possible by those TLC paychecks that will no longer be coming.  What a life Jon has and how grateful he should be both to a network that took an interest in his family and to his eight adorable children who kept viewers coming back for more.

Jon is on his apology tour and now Kate was all apologetic on last night’s TLC special, Kate:  Her Story.  Since they can’t film the kids anymore, we are treated to 42 minutes of Kate Gosselin’s thoughts and insight every single Monday night.

Kate admits to being too hard on Jon, but immediately negates her admission by stating that she had to handle everything.  You know what I think?  I think she took control over everything in their lives because it gave her the power to boss Jon around and then blame him when everything went to hell.  They both just wear me out so much, y’all.  (I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my recent overuse of “y’all.”  I’m not from the south and I’m not Britney Spears.  I have no good excuse.)

This is a whole lotta mea culpas goin’ on.  Could there be a reunion of these two?  Jon & Kate Decorate:  For The Holidays, That is.

It was just last week that Hailey Glassman admitted to the world (via The Insider, natch) that her boyfriend, Jon Gosselin, was sometimes emotionally abusive.  Yeah, you think that’s a bombshell?  Catch this:  Sometimes, Jon has trouble telling the truth.  I know, I know … you think you know someone.

Needless to say, Jon responded in the only logical manner.  Yep, he spent his weekend doing an apology tour — a PR agent’s wet dream.  He’s been speaking out with Rabbi Schmuley Boteach at his side — he’s the dude that Oprah loves –and admitting that he may have been misguided on some of his life choices.  Last night they were at the West Side Jewish Center and today I saw them on one of those morning talk shows, but I couldn’t stick around and watch because I had to race to my laptop and report the most important detail of all:  the diamond stud earrings are gone!  No skulls and roses and no bling in the lobes.  Who is this changed man?

At last night’s appearance, Jon explained that people just don’t understand him.  “I think I’m just misunderstood. I’m not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don’t sing. I don’t dance. I’m not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC.  behavior.  Half the stuff I’ve done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn’t have done.  I know that but I did it anyway. It’s like fame canceled out conviction.”  I guess I do have something in common with Jon — I don’t understand why he’s famous either.

Like all public apologies, this feels calculated.  I’m pretty sure that he and Hailey are over, though he claims that they are just slowing their pace.  “We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don’t want another failure in my relationships. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again.”

Speaking of repeating patterns, Jon stated that he’ll be privately apologizing to Kate and then immediately followed up that promise by making a public apology:

“I want to apologize to Kate in private,” he said. “I’ll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would’ve done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it’s almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it.”

Referring to himself and girlfriend Hailey Glassman, he said the two of them “should never have gone to France.”

Gosselin claims he is well aware of the public’s perception of him but insists he is his own harshest critic. “It’s hard for me because I can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done,” he said. “So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I’m sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness.”

To recap, Jon’s misunderstood, he’s still with Hailey even though she claims that he’s a liar, and he’s publicly announced that he’s going to privately apologize to Kate for all his wrongdoings.

Last year, it was Sarah Palin. I saw so many Palins on Halloween I thought was at the governor’s igloo in Alaska. This year– and I hope I don’t incur the wrath of Sasha by saying this– the most overdone costume is definitely Jon & Kate Gosselin. Our own esteemed Beet went to work yesterday dressed up as one third of a Jon, Kate, and Hailey Glassman trio. Check out the pics she posted to her Twitter.

As further proof this costume has jumped the shark, the couple we love to hate dressed as a pair of Gosselins and went out trick-or-treating. (Instead of candy they got 10 more minutes of fame.)

While I was out last night, I saw no fewer than 4 Kate Gosselins and 2 corresponding “Jons.” I can see why it’s a popular costume. That haircut is so terrible that it’s become downright iconic and in the same way that women use Halloween as an excuse to release their inner sluts, it’s also the one day a year you can indulge in truly hideous fashion and hair and not be held accountable for it.

It’s also a really easy couples costume to pull off. All you need is an Ed Hardy t-shirt, a blonde wig you’ve run over with a lawnmower then styled with super glue, and 8 battered, used baby dolls from the Goodwill store that you’re willing to exploit for your own personal gain.

So how many Gosselins have you seen today? Or is there another costume you’re seeing a lot of?