Sigh. The first one was so good. The second one was so, so bad. Must they really continue to desecrate the memory of the first one by churning out these crappy sequels? I guess the box office says yes. And so it is with a heavy heart that I bring you the photos from the premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End premiere at — where else? — Disneyland.

The celeb-to-camera ratio was about 1:1. Johnny Depp was there, of course. As was Orlando Bloom. Keith Richards looked fairly sane for someone who stated that he’s snorted his father’s ashes and reportedly showed up on set too drunk to film.

Kobe was there with his family. (Hey, do you think when his wife gets horny she’s ever like, “Baby, give me some Kobe beef”? Man I hope so.) Teri Hatcher showed up with her rugrat, who I think weighs more than her mother at this point. Ian Ziering made an appearance, because, you know, why the fuck not? Janice Dickinson, wearing white shorts that should never be worn after Labor Day. Or, you know, before. Chad Michael Murray with Kenzie Dalton. Cuba Gooding, Jr. Wilmer Valderrama and a small child to whom he should probably not have access. And it wouldn’t be a premiere without Chris Harrison, host of The Fucking Bachelor. Seriously, this was not a premiere, it was a goddamn cattle call.

And, really, with Chris Harrison there, why would Keira Knightley even bother to show up? Sometimes you just know you’re not going to have the spotlight. So, you know, she didn’t show up.

Can you believe I got these things up before 10 pm?? GO ME!!!

Jennifer Hudson needs additional media training. [Defamer]

Mario Lopez and Dancing with the Stars partner Katrina Smirnoff are doing the horizontal tango, if you know what I mean. [MollyGood]

Reese Witherspoon(’s breasts) look amazing at the Kennedy Center Honors. [Yeeeah!]

Jen and Vince’s reps join forces to put the final nail in the Vaughniston coffin: “Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship.” The reps admit the two broke up in October, after Jen visited Vince in London. So, you know, right around when the blogosphere said they did. [Dirty Laundry]

Paul Walker has no need for talent. Good thing, too. [Celebrity Smack]

Scarlett Johansson: “Please masturbate to me. I want you to. I need you to. Do it three, four, five times a day. Before bed, in the morning, at the office, at your children’s day care, between rounds of golf, in front of your girlfriend, at your mother’s house, in the boss’s office, in the cafeteria, onto the mashed potatoes, anywhere, everywhere, I don’t care, just as long as you’re masturbating to me.” [Agent Bedhead]

Lance Bass says that he and Reichen are still trying to work things out. He made the statement via MySpace, which is totally Hollywood’s hottest PR agency right now. [ICYDK]

Photos from Johnny Depp’s first wedding in 1983. [popbytes]

Okay, after Sir George (and really, let’s just Knight him already) here is the rest of the list from People:

2. Patrick Dempsey
3. Ashton Kutcher
4. Taye Diggs
5. Johnny Depp
6. Josh Duhamel
7. Enrique Murciano
8. Leonardo DiCaprio
9. John Krasinski
10. Jake Gyllenhaal

Both good and horrible choices here. Also EvilT, EvilB, why no chiming in on this? Must I be the only grader of manflesh?

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher at #3 is preposterous. My cat exudes more sex appeal and I don’t even own a cat. I love Johnny Depp and his disaffected hair so I salute that one; I only wish us thick hair guys could compete with our giant bushels of Afro.

Leonardo DiCaprio? Really? Well, if you like your men waiflike and flaxen like back in the days of rampant tuberculosis I guess I could see that.

The #9 choice, John Krasinski, is actually really solid. When I saw the name I didn’t know who the hell it was but it turns out he’s the guy from The Office (but not Steve Carell). I think I would date him, and he’s about to become a giant movie star as evidenced by his smaller roles in two very “buzzy” films, For Your Consideration and Dreamgirls.

Enrique Murciano is the guy from Without a Trace. It seems to be a TV show of some kind. I wouldn’t know him if he physically assaulted me and left a card that said “I’m Enrique Murciano.”

Josh Duhamel is very close to not being worth even talking about. He was decent enough in the show Las Vegas but this is more a case of People Magazine star building than calling it like it is. Plus if you knew everyone on the list you wouldn’t bother purchasing it which would make Mr. People Magazine Jr. very sad.

My final complaint is Patrick Dempsey. I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t swoon for him but I can’t for the life of me see it. He disappeared for like a decade! Was he being sexy when he was passing out resumes? Let’s call his sexy quotient what it is, a flash in the pan cheap kind of sexy that makes all of us feel a little dirtier. Wait, I just read that back and maybe that’s what sexy truly is.

Crap. I hate you Patrick Dempsey. Call me.

The eight of you who followed the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest will be relieved to know the filming of the third edition is in full swing out here in Los Angeles. I’d typically make some reference now to the cliffhanger at the end of the last one, and how it will be duly resolved, but after the investment of three hours of my life that I will never get back, I have absolutely no idea what happened in that movie. There was a sword fight on some manner of wheel and a Johnny Depp character better suited to The Birdcage, but everything else went right past me. But since most of the known world saw it anyway, I can’t really blame Disney for trudging forward with another.

They’re filming the Black Pearl scenes right now off the coast of Palos Verdes (across from Joe’s Crab Shack for those of you who want to go a-stalkin’). A few of my more nautical cohorts went sailing out there this afternoon and sent me some photos of the crew setting up. They didn’t stick around for the actors to show, but they did get a shot of Depp’s yacht, which is where I imagine he meets up with Tim Burton for a little pitching and catching. If anyone’s got pics of filming with the actors, send ‘em to evilbeet@gmail.com, and I’ll give credit where credit is due.

It’s a daunting task to isolate the Stephen Sondheim musical that would have the least commercial appeal as a big-screen release, but Tim Burton has risen to the challenge, moving forward with a DreamWorks production of Sweeney Todd. True to form, he’s asked the individual who we, at this point, simply must beginning referring to as his muse — Johnny Depp — to play the lead. The feel-good cannibalism film of the decade is slated for a late 2007 release. With any luck this will tie up Depp’s schedule long enough that we, as a nation, won’t have to cope with Pirates 3 until 2008; at that point, the 17 hours of Mr. Depp drinking gin from potted plants and sporadically penetrating Keira Knightley with a rotted oar while reading Leaves of Grass aloud will casually out-gross the GDP of Finland.