Ricky Martin appeared at Armani’s 5th Avenue store opening in New York City wearing a purple satin scarf.  Is that an ascot?  I never know.  Either way, the last wisp of imagined heterosexuality has officially been erradicated.

Also there, Victoria Beckham looking as muscular as ever, Solange Knowles wearing a bunch of shit that doesn’t match, and John Mayer.

Jennifer Aniston needs to start consulting sperm banks if she’s serious about wanting kids.  Because she’s not getting any younger and it looks like John Mayer is the asshole I suspected he was.  Life & Style’s email newsletter reports:

Either John Mayer has split from Jennifer Aniston or they have a very open relationship. The musician was spotted on an intimate date with a beautiful blond woman at Marix Tex Mex Restaurant in Santa Monica on January 28. “They were obviously on a date,” an insider tells In Touch.” He came in with her another time too and I’ve seen them out together.” While the two keep their romance under wraps, John couldn’t hold back his feelings for her when saying goodbye. “He gave her a long kiss before they left,” adds the insider. “John has been here six times in the last two weeks but never with Jen.”

Of course he hasn’t been there with Jen.  Of course he’s making out with a beautiful blond.  I knew when they were staying in Mexico, together yet apart for New Year’s Eve, that this relationship was off in the ditch.  I’ve dated enough talentless, pasty-faced, closet gay commitment-phobes to spot one anywhere.

In Santa Monica yesterday.

The couple were spotted partying it up in NYC again on Thursday night, where a source says they were “nonstop, dirty-dancing machines.” Ewww. For some reason, the thought of John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston “dirty dancing” makes me cringe. Neither of them really seems like the type.

Anyway, apparently JenAn further fueled rumors that she’s preggers by refusing to drink alcohol at the club. Meh, I don’t think she’s knocked up. I think she and John are just having fun with the media.

Whatever.

Sources say that John Mayer has been tapped to host a variety show for CBS, slated to air as early as 2009.

What is with variety shows right now?

Who the hell wants to watch a variety show?

But it seems like all the networks are preparing them for the upcoming year. I don’t quite get it.

Anyway, as much as I hate John Mayer the cocky and obnoxious person, he is a really funny dude. I see what the execs were thinking with this, but I can’t believe John Mayer said yes. Isn’t that kind of like totally selling out? As much as this guy used to whine about how he doesn’t want to be in the public eye for anything but his music … apparently he’s changed his mind.

Thanks Pamela!

Could John Mayer’s facial hair look any more pubic?

Ewwwwwww I think not.

Ew I’m so grossed out by him at this event. I would not let that face anywhere near my vagina. His face-pubes probably have crabs. And I am usually not one to make the you’re-so-slutty-you-must-have-STDs jokes, but ewwwwwwwwwww. He’s so diseased-looking here. Like he’s gonna walk off the red carpet and out to the corner to find a $3 crack whore to suck him off.

Actually, he won’t have to leave the building; Ryan Starr was at the event, too.

There’s a simple reason for that: I have no love life.

But, honestly, I spend more of my day trying to puzzle out Jen’s romantic entanglements than I spend trying to figure out why I am Man Repellent. Seriously I should try to patent me and sell me to the military. They could just put me on the front lines and men would run in the opposite direction. I’m a more valuable military asset than Twitter!

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. Jen. After being spotted with Gerard Butler, she was once again with John Mayer at the Sunset Tower hotel.

The two left together and got into an SUV.

What is it with Jennifer and the Sunset Tower hotel these days?

They must sell some really good weed there or something.