“If you’re shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you.”

- John Mayer cracking a joke at Britney’s expense on Twitter.

OMG, OMG, OMG!  I’m hyperventilating a little bit here.  If it was Star or The Enquirer or Perez Hilton publishing this shit, I would pay it no mind.  But, gasp … sigh … sob … People is reporting that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are “enjoying their friendship.”  Do you know what “enjoying their friendship” means?  It means that John Mayer is enjoying Jennifer’s low self-esteem and Jennifer is enjoying her standard doormat position.  It means that in three months I will be sentenced to a life of writing “John and Jen Split!” stories.  Don’t these people understand how much their bad relationship choices affect me?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, when will you ever learn?  This guy is just not that into you.  Weren’t you in a movie of the same name?  Gah!

Here’s the video for the latest John Mayer release, “Who Says,” where the angsty crooner repeatedly laments about how society doesn’t want him getting stoned every night in his home alone. I know, dude. There’s so much pressure on you, with this non-threatening, nice-guy image you’ve worked so hard to cultivate, to stay away from drugs. Your fans will be shocked to know you want to get high sometimes.

Jesuschrist, John, you’re 31 years old. Is it maybe time to give up the stoner schtick? This song is such a gimme. Like “OMG John Mayer’s new song is about how he’s sick of people telling him he can’t smoke weed. That is so badass. I’m gonna go buy it on iTunes and play it while my girlfriend’s over and we’ll burn incense and candles and I’ll tell her not to give me head because I respect her too much for that, but I’ll let her know that it really does take the intimacy out of it when we use a condom. After that I’ll play ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ while we smoke a bowl and shower together. Then I’ll ask politely to put it in her ass.”

Seriously if you can’t find this song on iTunes under the title “Who Says” check for it under its alternate name, “Ode to a Frat Boy Douche.”

It was just last night that Beet was flummoxed over the possibility that John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari might be sailing into relationship territory.  It appears that Janet Charleton was wrong.  At least, that’s what John Mayer is Tweeting.

As usual, Mayer approached the rumor in his standard, eighth-grade style.  Kristin, you dodged a bullet with this one.

Wow, Beet.  This did feel very Hills-ish.  Can we never do this again?  I suppose a cast-wide site ban would be too much to hope for.

Sigh. I’m just gonna tell you what Janet Charleton told me, and I’m not going to copy-paste it into my text as though I wrote it myself, unlike another, unnamed gossip blogger:

If you read Page Six you might remember a recent blind item they printed about secret trysts between a reality star and a well known singer. We are revealing that pair to be John Mayer and “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari! They have been hooking up secretly at a mutual friend’s house in the Mt Olympus area of the Hollywood Hills for the past two years! Our source says that Kristin was hesitant to date John publicly because she didn’t want to be added to his long list of conquests, and they were both dating other people off and on. Recently their “friends with benefits” relationship has evolved, and they are actually considering going public.

So, like, love her or hate her, Janet Charleton’s usually right about this shit. Which just leaves my mind boggled. I mean, I almost didn’t do this post, because Kristin Cavallari is closely associated in my mind with The Couple That Shall Not Be Named, and I feel like we should ban her just due to her proximity to them on any sort of Hollywood Douchebaggery graph (the x-axis is “Time Spent on an MTV Reality Show” and the y-axis is “dignity”). But I’m letting her slide, for now, because I’m fascinated by the idea that John Mayer really would stoop so low as to date Kristin Cavallari. The sex I understand … but a relationship? Sometimes I think this kid just looks for relationships that will eventually make good songs.

Oh, and it’s especially interesting as it comes on the heels of Jennifer Aniston once again raging against the “lonely girl” epithet that’s been attached to her name with the force of the Hellenic army. Because if these numbers are right, Kristin was in the picture at the same time she was. Sa-weeeeet!

Twittered Mayer, “I’ve never seen Twilight. It seems as if there are 90 lead actors I don’t know in this film? Tug Tillis, Boan Joaner, Jared Vorak.”
Who the hell is Boan Joaner? I think Tug Tillis was a major league baseball pitcher in the 70’s?

Mayer had better watch out. In case he doesn’t know, the internet is basically run by Stephenie Meyer and her hordes of devotees, who will enact swift and painful vengeance upon all who cross them, as 4channers discovered in the XKCD comic below:

“Re: 420, I don’t smoke pot anymore. I just pay a dude 50 bucks to come over, press lightly on my chest and tell me all my ideas are awesome.”

John Mayer, Twittering on April 20th.

I wonder if he decided to do this before or after he split from Jennifer Aniston. We all know she likes herself some grass.

NASA scientists hope that equipment contained in the new module for the International Space Station (whose official name will be revealed on Tuesday’s Colbert Report ) will allow them to finally be able to differentiate between giant gaseous planets and John Mayer’s ego. It’s understandable that they’d be confused, since the two are so similarly massive with strong graviational pulls capable of bending visible light.

His handlers should probably get him off of Twitter. Now. Before he hits on any more 16-year-olds:

John Mayer had Demi Lovato virtually blushing after complimenting her new song “La La Land” on Twitter Thursday.

“I have ‘La La Land’ by @ddlovato stuck in my head,” Mayer tweeted. “Actually, it’s not stuck. I’m choosing to sing it. B section is sophisticated.”

The star of Disney’s Sonny with a Chance, who performed a song off her debut album Don’t Forget on Dancing with the Stars Tuesday, replied, “That is quite possibly the best compliment I’ve received in this business. Thank you so, so much!”

The two then engaged in an exchange, where Mayer, 31, told Lovato, 16, “You’re going to make lots of records, I can tell,” and “Write one song at a time and never, ever apologize for any of them, ever.”

Lovato tweeted, “See, that’s exactly what I needed to hear today. If that’s not inspiration, then I don’t know what is.”

Her fans were clearly flabbergasted, too. The teen later wrote, “I had so many of you guys say they were freaking out and so happy because I had an idol twitter me … I love you guys.”

Yeeeahhhhhhhh…..This is how it starts folks! You innocently compliment them on their song writing skills and next thing you know, that scary pale guy from Dateline is ambushing you in your kitchen. Some news services have called this exchange “flirting.” I don’t know if I’d be ready to jump that shark, but I will say that, flirting or not, it’s not good.

Run Demi!! A compliment from John Mayer is not something to be excited about– it’s something to be frightened of. Have you seen this?? You might not want to take encouragement or career advice from someone who would “Fuck [Perez Hilton] in the ass just to shut [him] up.”

I depend on you and your Disney Channel cohorts to make me feel better when I’m sick. I swear to God, the Disney Channel has healing properties–like a big ole wholesome, pop-culture, comericially-packaged adolescent bowl of homemade chicken soup. Don’t force me to think, “Demi Lovato idolizes doods who’d fuck Perez Hilton in the ass just to prove a point” while I’m trying to enjoy Princess Protection Program. That will only make me sicker. Are you trying to kill me?

If there are two people on this planet that I’d like to talk about less than Perez Hilton and John Mayer, I don’t know who they are. However, this must be discussed.

Last year, my least favorite non- blogger made the media rounds, letting everyone know that in December, 2006 he (allegedly!) made out with John Mayer. Tongue kissing-five minutes-Perez and John Mayer while Jessica Simpson rubbed Mayer’s crotch. I’m no fan of Perez but I totally believed this story based on the level of detail he provided coupled with my own assessment that John Mayer reminds me of every closeted gay guy I ever dated. Mayer has always denied this incident ever occurred, until now:

“He has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will fuck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson.

“I was thinking about going gay. Every man has thought about going gay. It’s usually like.. 2:23 in the morning you wake up. ‘Oh God, interesting!’ We seem to leave out the details, don’t we guys? Guys like fantasies without the details. ‘Oh yeah, I could blow a dude. Might taste like cherries.’ You know that smell at New York Sports Club? The locker room? That’s balls….

“The idea of blowing a guy, that’s not the problem. The problem is like he’d have some other detail that I didn’t think about, like a hangnail or a fucking class ring knocking into my forehead. Class of 98 just hitting me, or given my predilections Class of 72…

“Whatever, have a good time. Like I don’t know this stuff is going to end up somewhere and they’re going to act like it’s a surprise that it got there. I thought about this shit before I came out… who fucking cares. Have a good time.”

John did this stand up routine on the Mayercraft Concert Cruise. I didn’t know such an entity existed, but apparently it boils down to five days on a boat with John Mayer being subjected to John Mayer music and John Mayer confessions. I would throw myself overboard within the first seven hours minutes.

You’d never know it if you look at the numerous skin-deep attempts at philosophy he posts on his account, or the fact that his relationship with Jennifer Aniston ended in part due to his obsessive posting, but not only is John Mayer not addicted to Twitter, he told E! that he thinks it’s “silly and dumb”, and “one step away from sending pictures of your poop.”

“It’s inherently silly and it’s inherently dumb,” the singer told me last night at the One Splendid Evening benefit for the VH1 Save the Music Foundation aboard the Carnival Splendor cruise ship in San Pedro, Calif. “If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well…It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop.”

So why does the Grammy-winner twitter all the time?

“I’ve always communicated at a high level as best I can whether it’s Twitter, Napster or message boards or wherever,” Mayer said. “I don’t have a devotion to Twitter. I didn’t sell out to Twitter. You do Twitter until everybody gets off of Twitter and it’s something else you go and try out.”

If you set Google Translator to translate from Douchebag > English, and put in that interview, you get: “I’ll do anything that’s popular– even if my condescending false sense of superiority tells me it’s ridiculous and dumb– because I’m a sellout. Or a hypocrite. Or both. On is a the breadfruit cusp.”

I’d been hearing buzzing for awhile now that Jennifer Aniston was with John Mayer more for the publicity shots than anything else, but I didn’t want to believe it! I wanted Jennifer to find true love!

Alas, it was not to be.

They’ve broken up, yet again.

“They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” says one source. “Jen is moving on with her life like she always does. She seems happy.”

A second source says Mayer broke up with Aniston after she returned from Europe.

Hmmm, so did John dump Jen? Or the other way around? Were they both just in it for the Oscar date???

Okay, I’m just kidding.  Sort of.

Now, it’s totally just a widely-reported rumor at this point, but it’s a rumor I believe:  Jennifer Aniston got dumped by John Mayer when she returned from her European Marley & Me tour.  It’s classic commitment-phobe behavior; they took it to the next level and he freaked out.  And really, doesn’t this picture just say it all?  Sure, a few pictures of them on Oscar night showed more reciprocal affection, but seriously, most of them were of Jen looking like one of those clip-on plush Koala toys you put on your pencil in 1984.  Does anyone remember those?

I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned on this one.  John Mayer is working on an album right now and Aniston is set to start filming her sure-fire flop, The Baster.  And yes, I am predicting its failure based solely on the name of the flick.  How very shallow.