“If you’re shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you.”

- John Mayer cracking a joke at Britney’s expense on Twitter.

OMG, OMG, OMG!  I’m hyperventilating a little bit here.  If it was Star or The Enquirer or Perez Hilton publishing this shit, I would pay it no mind.  But, gasp … sigh … sob … People is reporting that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are “enjoying their friendship.”  Do you know what “enjoying their friendship” means?  It means that John Mayer is enjoying Jennifer’s low self-esteem and Jennifer is enjoying her standard doormat position.  It means that in three months I will be sentenced to a life of writing “John and Jen Split!” stories.  Don’t these people understand how much their bad relationship choices affect me?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, when will you ever learn?  This guy is just not that into you.  Weren’t you in a movie of the same name?  Gah!

Here’s the video for the latest John Mayer release, “Who Says,” where the angsty crooner repeatedly laments about how society doesn’t want him getting stoned every night in his home alone. I know, dude. There’s so much pressure on you, with this non-threatening, nice-guy image you’ve worked so hard to cultivate, to stay away from drugs. Your fans will be shocked to know you want to get high sometimes.

Jesuschrist, John, you’re 31 years old. Is it maybe time to give up the stoner schtick? This song is such a gimme. Like “OMG John Mayer’s new song is about how he’s sick of people telling him he can’t smoke weed. That is so badass. I’m gonna go buy it on iTunes and play it while my girlfriend’s over and we’ll burn incense and candles and I’ll tell her not to give me head because I respect her too much for that, but I’ll let her know that it really does take the intimacy out of it when we use a condom. After that I’ll play ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ while we smoke a bowl and shower together. Then I’ll ask politely to put it in her ass.”

Seriously if you can’t find this song on iTunes under the title “Who Says” check for it under its alternate name, “Ode to a Frat Boy Douche.”

It was just last night that Beet was flummoxed over the possibility that John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari might be sailing into relationship territory.  It appears that Janet Charleton was wrong.  At least, that’s what John Mayer is Tweeting.

As usual, Mayer approached the rumor in his standard, eighth-grade style.  Kristin, you dodged a bullet with this one.

Wow, Beet.  This did feel very Hills-ish.  Can we never do this again?  I suppose a cast-wide site ban would be too much to hope for.

Sigh. I’m just gonna tell you what Janet Charleton told me, and I’m not going to copy-paste it into my text as though I wrote it myself, unlike another, unnamed gossip blogger:

If you read Page Six you might remember a recent blind item they printed about secret trysts between a reality star and a well known singer. We are revealing that pair to be John Mayer and “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari! They have been hooking up secretly at a mutual friend’s house in the Mt Olympus area of the Hollywood Hills for the past two years! Our source says that Kristin was hesitant to date John publicly because she didn’t want to be added to his long list of conquests, and they were both dating other people off and on. Recently their “friends with benefits” relationship has evolved, and they are actually considering going public.

So, like, love her or hate her, Janet Charleton’s usually right about this shit. Which just leaves my mind boggled. I mean, I almost didn’t do this post, because Kristin Cavallari is closely associated in my mind with The Couple That Shall Not Be Named, and I feel like we should ban her just due to her proximity to them on any sort of Hollywood Douchebaggery graph (the x-axis is “Time Spent on an MTV Reality Show” and the y-axis is “dignity”). But I’m letting her slide, for now, because I’m fascinated by the idea that John Mayer really would stoop so low as to date Kristin Cavallari. The sex I understand … but a relationship? Sometimes I think this kid just looks for relationships that will eventually make good songs.

Oh, and it’s especially interesting as it comes on the heels of Jennifer Aniston once again raging against the “lonely girl” epithet that’s been attached to her name with the force of the Hellenic army. Because if these numbers are right, Kristin was in the picture at the same time she was. Sa-weeeeet!

John Mayer once again took to Twitter to talk about a very broad, very important (to him) topic: things he doesn’t know anything about.

Twittered Mayer, “I’ve never seen Twilight. It seems as if there are 90 lead actors I don’t know in this film? Tug Tillis, Boan Joaner, Jared Vorak.”
Who the hell is Boan Joaner? I think Tug Tillis was a major league baseball pitcher in the 70’s?

Mayer had better watch out. In case he doesn’t know, the internet is basically run by Stephenie Meyer and her hordes of devotees, who will enact swift and painful vengeance upon all who cross them, as 4channers discovered in the XKCD comic below:

“Re: 420, I don’t smoke pot anymore. I just pay a dude 50 bucks to come over, press lightly on my chest and tell me all my ideas are awesome.”

John Mayer, Twittering on April 20th.

I wonder if he decided to do this before or after he split from Jennifer Aniston. We all know she likes herself some grass.