She’s not even showing yet — and there’s been no confirmation from anyone in her camp — but Papa Joe Simpson is reportedly already trying to cash in on Ashlee’s rumored pregnancy.

Says a source: “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover … The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it.”

Another in the magazine world says that Ashlee could fetch “$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee’s lucky she got pregnant, frankly.”

Lucky? Or smart?

“Unplanned” pregnancies are like totally the coolest thing ever right now! Used to be you just had to get a little dog and a Louis Vuitton carrier. Now you have to birth a freakin’ human.

Seriously, it’s like they all think this Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz marriage is going to work out.

Says Jess: My sister is overflowing with joy. Pete is an incredible soul. They naturally bring out the best in each other. I couldn’t be happier.”

And says Papa Joe (who’s currently in Georgia watching the Masters tourney with Tony Romo): “[Pete] did ask me [if he could propose]. I told him that I would be honored to have him as part of my family.”

Heh.

This thing is just waiting to implode.

The former reverend exemplifies the qualities we look for in our men of the cloth: love, tolerance, and an awareness that life does not bend to our will. He’s really just all of this and more.

When asked about Britney Spears’ recent stint in rehab, Joe said the following: “I would never let that happen to my daughters. Hopefully, her family will take care of the situation.”

That’s right, Joe. You would never let that happen to your daughters, because you have complete and total control of their lives, which is healthy for all parties involved. At least Britney’s family realized there was a problem and pressed their child to get help. You’d probably just lock Ashlee or Jessica in a basement for awhile. Totally normal.

Hey, Joe, did you catch Dirt this week? It was totally about you. The actor that played you? He even looked like you.

Via Best Week Ever this morning Joe Simpson is still creeping people out with his strange “management” of his daughter Jessica.

Now I remember back in the day when Jess was all into Jesus and her father was all freaked out about her going off and boinking Nick before they actually got to the altar. Since she’s already popped her cherry, Jesus is evidently all ok about her romping around with every flavor of the month musician. Ya, keep telling yourself that Joe.

I mean, it is really weird that Joe is now taking dirty pictures of his daughters. But I see that all the time on Law and Order:SVU…wait, those dudes go to jail.

Apparently Joe Simpson didn’t get the memo that Dukes of Hazzard sucked. He’s planning to open a chain of restaurants called Daisy Dukes, to capitalize on that one movie that capitalized on his daughter’s tits and ass. I don’t understand how he has time for this sort of endeavor, between micromanaging his daughters’ careers and personally photographing their breasts just so, but where there is money to be made from his children’s sexuality, there you will find Joe Simpson.

The former reverend plans to launch the restauarant in Las Vegas in 2007. Look for Ride Me: The Jessica Simpson Amusement Park by early 2009.