Or contempt of court. Whatever.

Crybaby Joey had to wipe away tears and blow his sniffly little nose yesterday as he pleaded guilty to contempt of court. “I am sorry for my behavior. It was wrong. I had heard about appeals and things and I was confused. I am sorry, I really am,” he said. Poor little Joe was sentenced to 35 days in jail for the crime, which should be extra stressful for him, as they took away all his Lorazepam and sleeping pills. And I can only imagine how hard it is for a total pussy like Joe Francis to have to actually deal with all the fear and insecurity he typically channels into the objectification and mistreatment of women, because he’s not man enough to face the big scary world without making other people feel small. It’s okay, Joe. I hear that’s a pretty standard M.O. for guys with tiny penises.

But it is so not over for Francis. He’s still got to deal with six counts of possessing a controlled substance, introducing contraband into a jail cell and trying to bribe a public official and a federal tax evasion charge. And a partridge in a pear tree. And probably anal rape in prison. I’m so excited. I hope the other inmates have already come up with some sort of “Girls Gone Wild”-themed tactic for kicking his ass. Even something as simple as “Hey, bitch, come over here and I’m gonna go wild on your ass” would be fine with me. Or maybe if they scream “Show us your tits!” at him in the shower. That would be awesome too. Could someone get a camera crew in there? Fox, maybe?

I’ve wondered time and time again how someone like Joe Francis sleeps at night. I guess I have my answer now: Lunesta. When I heard Francis got his ass caught with drugs in prison — the guards became suspicious after he tried to bribe one of them for a bottle of water — I wondered what it was he had smuggled in. What pill could be worth that risk? Lunesta, it turns out, and anti-anxiety med Lorazepam. There were 16 different pills in all. Turns out tough guy Joe was scared he wouldn’t get his beauty sleep in prison. Francis was charged with bribing a jail guard and having prescription sleeping pills in his cell. The president of his production company, Scott Barbour, brought him the pills; Barbour was charged with introduction of contraband into a detention facility. That’s what you get for being a friend to Joe Francis, buddy. And here’s the thing: I’m sure these white-collar criminal types do this all the time, smuggle cash and sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds into prison. It’s probably par for the course, and the guards probably look the other way. But not with Joe Francis. He just reeks of jackass. They must have been like, “Oh no, not you, buddy. We’re going to make this as hard on you as possible.” And I love that. I want to write those guards a thank-you note. I want to send them flowers and bake them cakes. I want to bake them Funfetti cakes. And I don’t do that for very many people.

But we’re not at the best part yet! The best part requires no additional commentary. I’m just going to let you read what came across the AP wire this morning. I have bolded the only important part.

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

“I didn’t do anything,” he told his parents as he was led away.

Awww. Poor baby! Jail is so awful. It hurts and it’s scary and it makes you want your mommy. It’s kind of like being raped by a spoiled, narcissistic, heartless porn magnate, except it’s not nearly that bad at all and this is your fault. Take it like a man, Joey.

That sonofabitch smuggled drugs into prison. GENIUS. And he got caught because he tried to bribe a guard for a bottle of water. EVEN BETTER! Jail is scary, isn’t it, Joe?

Francis allegedly tried to bribe a correctional officer with $100 last night for a bottle of water. This sparked an internal search of his jail cell which reportedly turned up $700 in cash, all in $100 bills, some pills thought to be controlled substances. Its not yet known how he obtained the cash and drugs in the jail. He has not been formally charged at this point, but the investigation is continuing.

I wonder how he smuggled all that stuff into jail in the first place. I hope he put it up his butt, or ate it before he went to jail and had to retrieve it from his own feces. I truly hope that’s what happened. And then the guard was all like, “I don’t want your poop money, dude. Get it away from me,” and the rest is history.

I’m not sure whether this is related, but Francis has waived his right to a detention hearing, so he’s staying in prison until April 23 at the earliest.

Hey, it’s how they finally got Al Capone, so here’s hoping that the tax evasion charges Joe Francis was hit with on Wednesday keep him behind bars for awhile. The Girls Gone Wild “porntrepreneur” is already doing a quick stint in a Florida jail for criminal contempt of court, but these charges could keep him in the slammer for up to ten years.

The indictment was issued by a federal grand jury in Reno, Nevada, and accuses Francis of deducting more than $20 million in false buisness expenses on his 2002 and 2003 corporate income tax returns, stashing revenue in offshore bank accounts and doing a bunch of other stuff that you’re really not supposed to do on your taxes (which are due in THREE DAYS, people, so get to it!).

A hearing is scheduled for May 22 in Reno. If he’s convicted, Francis could do up to ten years in prison and be forced to pay fines of up to $500,000.

And, although it’s appropo of nothing in this context, I’m loathe to write an article about Joe Francis without reminding everyone that he’s a dirty awful rapist who I truly hope gets a taste of his own medicine in the slammer.

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has fallen rapidly from “show us your tits” to “show us your hands,” as the 34-year-old disgusting jackass was picked up at the Panama City airport this morning on a warrant seeking his arrest for for criminal contempt of court. Francis was supposed to turn himself in by noon on Thurdsay, but he totally didn’t, because he’s a spoiled piece of crap who thinks he doesn’t have to play by anyone else’s rules or, you know, respect anyone else under any circumstances. Francis claims he was on his way to turn himself in this morning (albeit five days late), but airport authorities recognized him and arrested him.

Yesterday, Francis appeared on Fox News to tell Geraldo Rivera that “I’m not trying to hide at all. I’m on my way to Florida right now to turn myself in and comply with the judge’s order. I would never run from justice. I would never not comply with a judge’s order.” However, Francis did not turn himself in on Monday, and, by that afternoon, neither he nor his lawyer could be contacted.

Francis was sentenced to jail time for contempt of court by a judge after he launched into a three-minute profanity-laced diatribe during mediation on March 21 of this year. The mediation was an attempt to settle a suit filed in 2003 against Francis by seven underage girls who say they were victimized when Girls Gone Wild filmed them in sexual situations. Or, perhaps more accurately, the suit was filed by their fathers. Regardless, the judge felt Francis was not taking the mediation seriously — particularly when he revoked an agreed-upon settlement — and sentenced him to jail for contempt of court.

Can you get life in jail for contempt of court? I sure hope so, because that’s how long Joe Francis ought to stay far, far away from civilized people.

Joe Francis is kind enough to voice his opinion on the sexual strengths and weaknesses of young Hollywood, with Paris Hilton in a commanding lead. He also manages to plug ParisExposed about ten times, which is quite the favor for a website he claims to despise. Turn the other cheek, eh, Joe? [TMZ]

Denise Richards: what’s not to hate? [Celebrity Smack]

Reese and Ryan suck it up and attend their daughter’s school play together. I’m so Team Reese on this one. [A Socialite's Life]

Congratulations, DJ AM. You’ve earned yourself another fifteen minutes of fame. And, yes, Mandy, Zach’s pissed. Everybody wins! [Just Jared]

Kate at Fishbowl has the 411 on Top Design behind the scenes. [FishbowlLA]

“The first time I get into a car accident and I see a blind guy get out of the other car — I’m kicking somebody’s ass.” [Pajiba]

For what it’s worth, National Enquirer is reporting that Nick & Vanessa are engaged. [The Bosh]