Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve ranted about my least favorite human rapist on the planet. But Joe Francis is putting Nic Cage’s tax issues to shame — he owes the IRS approximately $34 MILLION for back taxes from 2001, 2002 and 2003.

The Federal Tax Lien doc was filed today. The IRS claims Joe owes the money for 3 years of back taxes — 2001, 2002 and 2003. In 2001, the IRS says Joe didn’t pay $17,658,358. In 2002, the delinquency is $11,238,582.14, and in 2003, he owes $4,922,147.

It was less than 2 weeks ago that Joe got out of a sticky federal tax evasion case by copping a plea and avoiding prison.

Joe told TMZ, “I have no idea what it is.” He says he does not owe the money and, “This is total retaliation for me beating them in court.” Joe says the law the IRS is using hasn’t been used against anyone in 20 years.

Joe says yesterday, the feds seized more than $100,000,000 in cash accounts of his.

Joe says the IRS is forcing him to file for personal bankruptcy, which he will do tomorrow.

Let’s clarify that final number there: The IRS seized more than ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in CASH ACCOUNTS from him. Yeah, cash accounts. This motherfucker has A HUNDRED MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS in cash right now, and meanwhile you can’t figure out how you’re gonna pay rent next month. Oh, I know: You should videotape underage girls touching each other’s naked breasts and then sell it. (Make sure you rape them first though!)

I’m sure personal bankruptcy won’t slow him down a bit — he’ll just siphon money out of his business accounts. This dude just needs to be in jail, like, forever. He obviously doesn’t believe the law applies to him in the slightest, and it’s just a matter of time before someone winds up seriously dead as a result.

The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

Oh, happy happy day!

Joey Boy Francis was arrested today after showing up five hours late for a U.S. court hearing.

What a moron!

The Girls Gone Wild founder was arrested Monday for showing up five hours late to a court hearing on his lawyer’s motion to step down as Francis’ counsel.

A bench warrant was issued this morning after Francis failed to show and he could not be reached by telephone 30 minutes after the hearing’s scheduled 8:30 a.m. start.

He ultimately showed up at 1:30, with lawyer Melissa A. Weinberger telling the court her client was suffering from the flu.

“He’s been as sick as can be,” she said outside the courtroom, adding that she would try to secure his release as soon as he was processed by federal marshals.

As for the MO behind the court date: Defense attorney Robert E. Barnes, who has been representing Francis on federal income tax evasion charges, filed court papers last week stating that his firm was through with the flesh-peddling entrepreneur due to “strategic differences of opinion.”

ZOMG!

Even his shady-ass defense attorney wants nothing to do with him anymore!

What a fuck up! This dude is so disgusting. Look at the ridiculously fake smile he has in ALL his photos. It’s like he has to force himself to display something comparable to actual human emotion. Like he has to think about how to smile.

I’m sure he’ll be out of jail in no time, but even if he just has to spend the night I’ll be a happy kiddo.

I thought today would be a sad day, what with the Cardinals losing last night and everything.

But it’s actually a happy day!

There’s a bench warrant out for Joe Francis’s arrest! Oh, happy, happy day!

He failed to show up for a court date for his tax evasion trial. And this is a federal trial and a U.S. judge issued the bench warrant.

This is some serious shit! Why would Joey Boy miss his court date?

PUT HIM IN JAIL FOREVER!!!

Here’s Joe “Dead Eyes” Francis announcing that he’s suing the people who kept him in a Florida jail to the tune of $300M.

“I recently experienced an unbelievable miscarriage of justice that made a victim not just of me, but of all Americans who cherish their constitutional right to free expression … If this can happen to me, it can happen to you.”

This dude is so, so creepy. It’s like, if you’re one of those people struggling to grow spiritually, and you feel like you can’t quite grasp exactly what a soul is, watch Joe Francis in this video. And when you ask yourself, “What is it that seems to be missing with this guy?” just know that the answer is “a soul.”

Will Joe Francis’s legal troubles ever end?

Man, I sure hope not.

Today, Joe pleaded not guilty to two felony tax-evasion charges in federal court in Los Angeles. He is accused of unlawfully deducting more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his 2002 and 2003 corporate tax returns.

If convicted, Francis faces a possible sentence of 10 years in federal prison and $500,000 in fines.

I don’t care about the fines!

Put Joe in jail and throw away the key!

Here’s Joe “Rapist” Francis and some hooker named Ann Marie Doroba enjoying a lovely afternoon at a polo match in Bridgehampton.

Anyone know who this Ann chick is?

Who in their right mind would pose with Joe Francis like that? I mean, I might make small talk with him for a little while to score some of what I’m sure is his super-awesome blow, but the second I saw a photographer coming I’d run for the hills. I don’t care how badly you want to be a Z-list celebrity, Joe Francis-related famewhoring is just unconscionable.

And this time it doesn’t even have anything to do with filming naked underage girls!

We’re making progress!

Joey Boy Francis was sued by the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas for unpaid gambling debts.

TWO MILLION DOLLARS of unpaid gambling debts.

“As far as Mr. Francis is concerned, his obligations to the Wynn hotel have been fully lived up to per prior agreements,” said his spokesperson.

Uh … what the HELL does that mean? “Prior arrangements”???? I wanna know what Joe Francis and Steve Wynn were getting up to in that penthouse suite. Something tells me there were underage girls involved.

Okay.

So. You guys know I don’t like Joe Francis. That much should be clear by now. And I’m thrilled that there is yet another lawsuit pending against him. It was filed last week and, in it, four new women claim that they were 17, 16, 15 and 13 when his company solicited them to participate in sexually provocative videos in 2003 and earlier. They want money from Joey.

But follow me closely here:

The girls are represented by a lawyer named Ross McCloy. Ross McCloy was once the law partner of a man named Richard Smoak, who is now a judge in Florida, and who presided over the earlier, separate Florida trial where women claimed Francis tried to film them underage. In that case, the women were also represented by McCloy. It was also the case where the judge (Smoak) actually jailed Joe Francis for making threats during a deposition.

Do you follow so far? If not, read it again. It’s going to get more complicated.

It turns out that Joe’s company, Girls Gone Wild, once met with a consulting firm about working to get Judge Smoak impeached and removed from office. Lord only knows why.

So basically, Joe’s like, “Dude, this guy can’t preside over my trial, he’s totally biased, for a thousand reasons, but most applicably because the defendants are represented by his former law partner.” Except Joe said it like this: “This is America and we are not going to let that happen again. We are not going to let them put me in jail for a civil suit.”

Anyway.

I hate Joe Francis. So, so much. And I’m going to say this once, and probably only once: He’s right about this one. This is bullshit, and the judge should recuse himself.

So earlier in the week, Joe Francis made a big fucking deal of offering Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the hooker at the center of the Elliott Spitzer scandal, a million dollar pay-out to pose for Girls Gone Wild.

He rescinded the offer after GGW apparently found they already had footage of her in their archives.

Now, I think that story’s bullshit. Joe Francis may be one of the biggest assholes on the planet, but he’s a smart little fucker. And you’d better believe that sonofabitch checked the GGW archives for that girl before he offered her shit. This was all a publicity stunt on his part. He made a fool of Ashley, and now she’s out for blood.

The AP is reporting that her lawyer’s come forward saying she was only 17 when the footage was taken.

In an e-mail to one of Francis’ publicists — forwarded by Buchwald [Dupre's lawyer] to the AP — the attorney said he was “informed by Ashley that the video was in fact taken when she was underage (that is 17).”

Buchwald added in the e-mail that Francis was aware of Dupre’s age during the filming.

Francis said he bought Dupre a Greyhound bus ticket back home to North Carolina in 2003. Dupre returned home after she spent a week on the “Girls Gone Wild” bus in Miami and filmed seven full-length tapes, which included nudity, after signing legal papers, the company said.

“It was because she was underage that he sent her home on a Greyhound bus back to North Carolina. It would be outrageous at the very least to play the video of an underage female on the Internet,” Buchwald said in the e-mail.

GGW has postponed the release of their videos of Ashley until this is all resolved.

How many underage girls do you think this dude has filmed naked???

Put him back in jail!

Oh, I love shit like this.

Joe Francis was prepared to offer Ashley Dupre a cool million to appear in his GGW DVDs, but then he discovered that she’d already gotten naked for him — back when she was 18!!!

“It’ll save me a million bucks,” he said. “It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.”

Francis said at that point, his offer was off the table: “We actually had been dealing with her rep,” he said. “Our (offer) was the real deal. We just never made the connection.”

Yeah, I call bullshit. Joe already knew he had the footage. The $1M offer was just a publicity ploy for said footage, which is now available on his website, which I refuse to link to here.

Oh, Joe, you’ve been out of jail less than a week and you’re already making me nauseous.