The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

Oh, happy happy day!

Joey Boy Francis was arrested today after showing up five hours late for a U.S. court hearing.

What a moron!

The Girls Gone Wild founder was arrested Monday for showing up five hours late to a court hearing on his lawyer’s motion to step down as Francis’ counsel.

A bench warrant was issued this morning after Francis failed to show and he could not be reached by telephone 30 minutes after the hearing’s scheduled 8:30 a.m. start.

He ultimately showed up at 1:30, with lawyer Melissa A. Weinberger telling the court her client was suffering from the flu.

“He’s been as sick as can be,” she said outside the courtroom, adding that she would try to secure his release as soon as he was processed by federal marshals.

As for the MO behind the court date: Defense attorney Robert E. Barnes, who has been representing Francis on federal income tax evasion charges, filed court papers last week stating that his firm was through with the flesh-peddling entrepreneur due to “strategic differences of opinion.”

ZOMG!

Even his shady-ass defense attorney wants nothing to do with him anymore!

What a fuck up! This dude is so disgusting. Look at the ridiculously fake smile he has in ALL his photos. It’s like he has to force himself to display something comparable to actual human emotion. Like he has to think about how to smile.

I’m sure he’ll be out of jail in no time, but even if he just has to spend the night I’ll be a happy kiddo.

I thought today would be a sad day, what with the Cardinals losing last night and everything.

But it’s actually a happy day!

There’s a bench warrant out for Joe Francis’s arrest! Oh, happy, happy day!

He failed to show up for a court date for his tax evasion trial. And this is a federal trial and a U.S. judge issued the bench warrant.

This is some serious shit! Why would Joey Boy miss his court date?

PUT HIM IN JAIL FOREVER!!!

Here’s Joe “Dead Eyes” Francis announcing that he’s suing the people who kept him in a Florida jail to the tune of $300M.

“I recently experienced an unbelievable miscarriage of justice that made a victim not just of me, but of all Americans who cherish their constitutional right to free expression … If this can happen to me, it can happen to you.”

This dude is so, so creepy. It’s like, if you’re one of those people struggling to grow spiritually, and you feel like you can’t quite grasp exactly what a soul is, watch Joe Francis in this video. And when you ask yourself, “What is it that seems to be missing with this guy?” just know that the answer is “a soul.”

Will Joe Francis’s legal troubles ever end?

Man, I sure hope not.

Today, Joe pleaded not guilty to two felony tax-evasion charges in federal court in Los Angeles. He is accused of unlawfully deducting more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his 2002 and 2003 corporate tax returns.

If convicted, Francis faces a possible sentence of 10 years in federal prison and $500,000 in fines.

I don’t care about the fines!

Put Joe in jail and throw away the key!

Here’s Joe “Rapist” Francis and some hooker named Ann Marie Doroba enjoying a lovely afternoon at a polo match in Bridgehampton.

Anyone know who this Ann chick is?

Who in their right mind would pose with Joe Francis like that? I mean, I might make small talk with him for a little while to score some of what I’m sure is his super-awesome blow, but the second I saw a photographer coming I’d run for the hills. I don’t care how badly you want to be a Z-list celebrity, Joe Francis-related famewhoring is just unconscionable.