Here’s Joe “Dead Eyes” Francis announcing that he’s suing the people who kept him in a Florida jail to the tune of $300M.

“I recently experienced an unbelievable miscarriage of justice that made a victim not just of me, but of all Americans who cherish their constitutional right to free expression … If this can happen to me, it can happen to you.”

This dude is so, so creepy. It’s like, if you’re one of those people struggling to grow spiritually, and you feel like you can’t quite grasp exactly what a soul is, watch Joe Francis in this video. And when you ask yourself, “What is it that seems to be missing with this guy?” just know that the answer is “a soul.”

Will Joe Francis’s legal troubles ever end?

Man, I sure hope not.

Today, Joe pleaded not guilty to two felony tax-evasion charges in federal court in Los Angeles. He is accused of unlawfully deducting more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his 2002 and 2003 corporate tax returns.

If convicted, Francis faces a possible sentence of 10 years in federal prison and $500,000 in fines.

I don’t care about the fines!

Put Joe in jail and throw away the key!

Here’s Joe “Rapist” Francis and some hooker named Ann Marie Doroba enjoying a lovely afternoon at a polo match in Bridgehampton.

Anyone know who this Ann chick is?

Who in their right mind would pose with Joe Francis like that? I mean, I might make small talk with him for a little while to score some of what I’m sure is his super-awesome blow, but the second I saw a photographer coming I’d run for the hills. I don’t care how badly you want to be a Z-list celebrity, Joe Francis-related famewhoring is just unconscionable.

And this time it doesn’t even have anything to do with filming naked underage girls!

We’re making progress!

Joey Boy Francis was sued by the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas for unpaid gambling debts.

TWO MILLION DOLLARS of unpaid gambling debts.

“As far as Mr. Francis is concerned, his obligations to the Wynn hotel have been fully lived up to per prior agreements,” said his spokesperson.

Uh … what the HELL does that mean? “Prior arrangements”???? I wanna know what Joe Francis and Steve Wynn were getting up to in that penthouse suite. Something tells me there were underage girls involved.

Okay.

So. You guys know I don’t like Joe Francis. That much should be clear by now. And I’m thrilled that there is yet another lawsuit pending against him. It was filed last week and, in it, four new women claim that they were 17, 16, 15 and 13 when his company solicited them to participate in sexually provocative videos in 2003 and earlier. They want money from Joey.

But follow me closely here:

The girls are represented by a lawyer named Ross McCloy. Ross McCloy was once the law partner of a man named Richard Smoak, who is now a judge in Florida, and who presided over the earlier, separate Florida trial where women claimed Francis tried to film them underage. In that case, the women were also represented by McCloy. It was also the case where the judge (Smoak) actually jailed Joe Francis for making threats during a deposition.

Do you follow so far? If not, read it again. It’s going to get more complicated.

It turns out that Joe’s company, Girls Gone Wild, once met with a consulting firm about working to get Judge Smoak impeached and removed from office. Lord only knows why.

So basically, Joe’s like, “Dude, this guy can’t preside over my trial, he’s totally biased, for a thousand reasons, but most applicably because the defendants are represented by his former law partner.” Except Joe said it like this: “This is America and we are not going to let that happen again. We are not going to let them put me in jail for a civil suit.”

Anyway.

I hate Joe Francis. So, so much. And I’m going to say this once, and probably only once: He’s right about this one. This is bullshit, and the judge should recuse himself.

So earlier in the week, Joe Francis made a big fucking deal of offering Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the hooker at the center of the Elliott Spitzer scandal, a million dollar pay-out to pose for Girls Gone Wild.

He rescinded the offer after GGW apparently found they already had footage of her in their archives.

Now, I think that story’s bullshit. Joe Francis may be one of the biggest assholes on the planet, but he’s a smart little fucker. And you’d better believe that sonofabitch checked the GGW archives for that girl before he offered her shit. This was all a publicity stunt on his part. He made a fool of Ashley, and now she’s out for blood.

The AP is reporting that her lawyer’s come forward saying she was only 17 when the footage was taken.

In an e-mail to one of Francis’ publicists — forwarded by Buchwald [Dupre's lawyer] to the AP — the attorney said he was “informed by Ashley that the video was in fact taken when she was underage (that is 17).”

Buchwald added in the e-mail that Francis was aware of Dupre’s age during the filming.

Francis said he bought Dupre a Greyhound bus ticket back home to North Carolina in 2003. Dupre returned home after she spent a week on the “Girls Gone Wild” bus in Miami and filmed seven full-length tapes, which included nudity, after signing legal papers, the company said.

“It was because she was underage that he sent her home on a Greyhound bus back to North Carolina. It would be outrageous at the very least to play the video of an underage female on the Internet,” Buchwald said in the e-mail.

GGW has postponed the release of their videos of Ashley until this is all resolved.

How many underage girls do you think this dude has filmed naked???

Put him back in jail!

Oh, I love shit like this.

Joe Francis was prepared to offer Ashley Dupre a cool million to appear in his GGW DVDs, but then he discovered that she’d already gotten naked for him — back when she was 18!!!

“It’ll save me a million bucks,” he said. “It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.”

Francis said at that point, his offer was off the table: “We actually had been dealing with her rep,” he said. “Our (offer) was the real deal. We just never made the connection.”

Yeah, I call bullshit. Joe already knew he had the footage. The $1M offer was just a publicity ploy for said footage, which is now available on his website, which I refuse to link to here.

Oh, Joe, you’ve been out of jail less than a week and you’re already making me nauseous.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

So Joe “Rapist” Francis got out of jail in Reno, then schlepped his ass across the country to Florida to face charges for filming girls he fully knew were underage.

He opted to plead guilty to the charges, and the judge in Florida sentenced him to time served, plus six months of probation and told little Joey he couldn’t film in that county for the next three years.

Yeah, that’s “county,” not “country,” and that’s a damn shame.

If I were a Presidential candidate right now, I’d make my campaign platform very clear and simple: If you elect me, I will ban Joe Francis from the United States of America forever. Are you listening to me, Hillary? Barack? John? I think this is something we can all agree to, without seeing partisan politics get in the way. It’s a platform the entire nation can unite behind. You want change for this country? New hope? Unity? LET’S PASS A BILL THAT BANS JOE FRANCIS. From there, we can rebuild.