I shouldn’t be mean. I’m really happy for her that she cleaned up her act and that she’s sober now and that she has the strength to put herself in the spotlight as an example of how to be sober and a mother (my dear friend Emily did the same thing last month in People magazine, and I was insanely proud of her and her courage). I just hate that she has a damn book out right now. I hate when any celebrity decides to “speak out” about a “difficult topic” because they have something to promote. And also I guess it kind of rubs me the wrong way that she’s been clean for like 11 months and all of a sudden she’s the end-all-be-all of sobriety, never to drink or smoke meth again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Just shut up and get a few years clean, Jodie, then come back to the spotlight and tell us how you did it. We’ll still care.

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I’m just saying. Really, Jodie, I’m rootin’ for you here, but take a step back, stay out of the spotlight and get a few years of sobriety under your belt before you run around the talk show circuit telling everyone about how you were Relapse City for the past few years but this time you are sober forever for realsies and you can prove it because you’ll have a whole year sober in December. Just slow it down, hon. People will still want to read about Stephanie Tanner smoking meth in five years. By that time, you can probably co-release your drug-addiction book with Mary-Kate Olsen’s.

Molls told us yesterday about Jodie Sweetin’s new book “Unsweetined” in which she tells of getting drunk at Candace Cameron’s wedding.  You may think the most obvious question is “Where were her parents?” but for me, it’s “Candace Cameron didn’t have a dry wedding?”

In the most recent and riveting release of information, Sweetin admits that she was drinking and doing coke when she was on her sobriety lecture tour.  Yep, she was doing appearances and giving speeches touting the benefits of sobriety and getting paid for it.  Preaching a clean life as a means to fund your habit — not good.

The relapse started one day, just a few months after my GMA spot, when I got a random phone call from a friend who I used with and who occasionally sold me drugs. I invited her to my place. I was in an apartment at the time. I knew it was a really bad idea to invite her over but I wanted to test myself, I guess. We hung out, played cards. I told her I hadn’t done meth in a while. One thing led to another and just like that, I was back.

She also talked about giving a speech at a university just a few minutes after getting high:

I was living a complete lie. But unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make you stop. I talked about growing up on television and about how great my life was now that I was sober… The little bit of coke that I had done before the speech wasn’t enough to make me forget how bad I felt for doing what I was doing. The guilt was eating away at me. I was struggling to keep it together, but no one realized that. I finished. They applauded. Standing ovation. Just how I liked it. And it was over.

Sweetin admits she returned to her room tired but made time for one more hit. “I was just so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I took a deep breath and walked out of the lecture hall. I went back to my hotel room and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t keep doing this. It had to end.But not today. I wiped away the tears and finished the baggie of coke.

Can we all just agree that addiction sucks?

Oh. My. God. Jodie Sweetin is bananas. I don’t even know if I’m ready to get in to this with you guys right now, but it has to be done.

We all know by now that Jodie Sweetin suffered with meth addiction and generally went hella craycray for a minute after Full House was done taping. Then she cleaned up and hosted that Pants Off Dance Off show for a bit. Well, in addition to having a baby and a crazy estranged husband, it turns out that Jodie has been busy penning a memoir. A memoir that will likely be off the chain.

The book, Unsweetined (God, that title), delves in to all the madness that was really going on in Jodie’s life after the hit show she was on ended right before she started high school. Like a lot of young stars, Jodie eased her pain by hitting the bottle. The first time she ever got drunk? At her co-star Candace Cameron’s wedding back in 1994, before Full House even ended. Ahhhmazing and horrible at the same time. Who knew little Stephanie was a booze hound?

Jodie says that from there she started drinking all the time and eventually experimented with every drug out there until she finally got hooked on our nation’s drug of choice: crystal meth. “I wanted to prove that I wasn’t the girl from Full House, that I could get more trashed than everyone else.”

Wowza. This book is going to be the best thing ever.

I totally called this one. Not that it was a difficult call or anything, but still. Jodie Sweetin’s relapsed, and a judge has issued a ruling that she is not allowed to be alone with her baby.

Full House alum Jodie Sweetin is not allowed to see her 8-month-old daughter without supervision, an Orange County, Calif., judge ruled during an emergency custody hearing Wednesday.

The ruling came after Sweetin’s estranged husband Cody Herpin accused her of being an unfit mother — and allegedly that she once drove intoxicated with their daughter Zoie in the car, TMZ.com reports.

A doctor who took the stand also claimed that Sweetin, 26 — a former meth addict and alcoholic who lives with her parents — had relapsed but has been in touch with her sponsor and is attending AA meetings. The doctor said she does not believe the baby is at risk at the moment.

Sweetin will now not be allowed to be with the child unless one of her parents is present, the judge said.

A judge ordered both Sweetin and Herpin to submit to drug tests before the next hearing.

So, yeah. Stop being so predictable, Hollywood.

In general, here’s a rule I’ve learned: When celebrities are all like, “Yeah, I used to have an addiction problem, but now I don’t. I can totally just have one or two drinks and be fine,” you can pretty much just start counting down the days until there’s a gigantic relapse. Tara Reid proved this nicely for us last week, and now it’s Jodie’s turn.

Personally, I’m kind of waiting anxiously for the enormous Nicole Richie relapse that I just know is on its way.

Can you even believe there is a fourth update on Jodie Sweetin’s split from Cody Herpin, her husband of 16 months?  It’s Jodie fucking Sweetin.  Apparently she split because he, unemployed film transporting coordinator couldn’t support the childhood actress who invested her Full House residuals in pharmaceuticals.

In court papers, Sweetin stated, “Our house is in foreclosure, our water has been shut off twice. Currently, all of our other utilities are overdue.  [He] kept finding one excuse after another for his failure to even attempt to find employment.”

Herpin responded to People saying  ”I was the stay-at-home dad, my job was taking care of Zoie” because Jodie had a very busy schedule.  Busy schedule?  I’ve never done drugs; I was always the one who believed every Afterschool Special and was afraid of my own life becoming one.  So I ask: Just how long does it take to do meth?  By my best, if uneducated, guess I’m thinking 25 minutes from score to high.  Unless she’s making her own which involves cooking and shit like that…too much like being a housewife.  Though you get to do it stoned which is nice.

Anyway, I’ve taken the liberty of writing Jodie’s vows for her next attempt:

I, Jodie, take you 3rd victim, to be my future ex, to have and to hold for this year, for better or best, for richer, to love and to leave; from this day forward until death do us part as long as one of us croaks within the next 18 months.

You’re welcome Jodes. 

I just question a life in which Jodie Sweetin divorce updates outnumber Madonna’s.

Cody Herpin — the husband Jodie Sweetin just walked out on — sat down with Radar magazine to do a little interview, right in front of their baby’s crib! HOW SUBTLE!

Cody says Jodie took the baby, all the money and the family dog! How awful! He actually seems sane and healthy not at all psychopathic in this video, which furthers my belief that whatever’s going on is all Jodie’s fault.

In a move that absolutely no one except the entirety of the planet saw coming, Jodie Sweetin ditched her (second) hubby (and baby-daddy!) of 16 months last week, for no clear reason other than the fact that she’s probably doing drugs again.

Jodie hasn’t released a statement yet, but her agent says she is “trying to stay positive for Zoie,” their 7-month-old daughter. “Her focus is the baby,” continues the agent. “Jodie’s got a huge support system in her family and friends and she thinks this is what’s best for her.” Jodie and Zoie are apparently staying with Jodie’s parents. Translation: Zoie is staying with Jodie’s parents while Jodie scores meth.

And Cody’s still all like, “Dude, I so thought my quickie marriage to a kinda-sorta-recovering meth-head child actress was rock solid.” His actual quote is that he is “still discombobulated” over the split. “Not knowing what’s going on is hard … It’s rough,” he says. “Marriage is not taken lightly to me. It’s supposed to be forever.”

My Lord, how are these people so consistently blind to the fact that their marriages are oh-so-doomed?

In the most surprising news I’ve heard in the past 45 seconds, “recovering” addict Jodie Sweetin and her husband of 16 months, Cody Herpin, have split. The couple had a baby in April. This is Jodie’s second marriage.

“I was dumbfounded,” says Herpin, adding that Sweetin left their home and took their 7-month-old girl. “Over this past month something has been different. I’m concerned about our daughter and I just want (Zoie) home.”

Sweetin’s agent, Stella Alex, says the actress is “absolutely clean” and that the couple have “come to this path in their life and she felt like this is the way she had to go. Jodie says it’s unfortunate but it’s just what has to happen right now. No more detail, only because she says she doesn’t want to be disrespectful to him.”

The pair were rumored to be working on a reality TV show in August, at which point I announced that their marriage would end, because that’s what reality TV shows do to marriages.

I am always right.

In all seriousness, though, whatever the hell is going on with Jodie, I certainly hope the baby’s okay and is well looked-after. It’s okay to fuck up your own life, Jodes, but leave the kid out of it.

DAMMIT!!!

WTF!!!

People.com was supposed to have the Brangie Baby photos at 7pm EST. By my count, that is SEVEN MINUTES AGO.

They’re releasing them later to get all the page views that come from people refreshing over and over and over again.

Grrrr.

While we wait, here’s Jodie Sweetin, along with Jodie Sweetin’s fake breasts and Jodie Sweetin’s baby weight that she hasn’t lost yet, posing at one of the dumb little events they do leading up to the Teen Choice Awards. I’m annoyed that she’s famous for following up child stardom with a meth addiction. Since when is that original?

Yes, it’s true.

Her meth addiction destroyed her first marriage.

And her reality TV show will destroy her second.

Jodie and second husband Cody Herpin have decided to move forward on a reality TV show about their lives with their new baby girl.

“We’re going to start shooting in a couple months,” she said. “We are in talks with a couple of networks right now. We have one picked out, but nothing is signed yet.”

As to why she’s doing it?

“I think it’s sort of a fun way to show the other side of celebrity and a sort of semi-normal life,” she says.

Translation: “Maybe now I can be famous for something other than my meth addiction.”

Good luck with this, Stephanie Tanner.

Um … congrats? To recovering meth-head Jodie Sweetin, who gave birth to a little girl named Zoie on Saturday. The father is Cody Herpin, her husband of less than a year.

Specifically, they got married on July 14, 2007. So, um, you do the math.

Yeah.