I know we have a big Chelsea following here on Evil Beet, but Joan Rivers admitted in an interview with The Associated Press that she doesn’t think Chelsea Handler is funny.  Of course, Joan also claimed that she hasn’t had much plastic surgery and that some people get too much.  Not her, but “some people”:

AP: One of your recent books “Men Are Stupid and Like Big Boobs” is a guide to plastic surgery. Why write that?

Rivers: I did a lot of research for it. I haven’t had as much as everyone thinks. You have to know how much to do and when to do it. I recommend doing a little bit at a time, otherwise you look like you’ve been through a wind tunnel. Robert Redford looks like he’s in the Witness Protection Program. He could actually kill a man and get away with it now. (Laughs)

AP: Ed McMahon recently passed away. You knew him from your days filling in as host of “The Tonight Show.” What was he like?

Rivers: Ed McMahon was the sweetest, nicest guy. What you saw is what you got. He was very kind to me. When I left “The Tonight Show” to go over to Fox, Johnny Carson put out a mandate that nobody was allowed to talk to me. Ed McMahon, whenever he saw me, would come over and make it his business to say hello. That was very sweet.

AP: Late night is still a man’s world.

Rivers: There’s one girl, Chelsea Handler, but she’s not funny. I think there are too many late-night shows.

AP: Do you miss hosting the red carpets with your daughter, Melissa?

Rivers: Not at all. It changed. Melissa and I were the first to do it. We turned going into a building into an event. Now, God forbid you say Nicole Kidman doesn’t look gorgeous. Her publicist then won’t let you have Tom Hanks. Plus, they’re all dressed. Nobody looks like a fool anymore. Nowadays you even recognize the jewelry because it’s all borrowed.

AP: What do you think of celebrities today?

Rivers: They’re handled badly. … In the old days, when a celebrity went out they were dressed. I don’t want to see Cameron Diaz in sneakers and no makeup. There’s no glamour.

Clearly, Joan Rivers suffers from some type of body dysmorphic disorder.  She isn’t even aware of the irony that exists as she insults Robert Redford for being so over-tooled.  Isn’t it time for her to shut the fuck up and go design another craptastic piece of jewelry for QVC or something?

Last night was the Celebrity Apprentice finale.  It was absolutely riveting television and I cannot believe I didn’t watch this season.  Joan Rivers won $250,000 for her charity, God’s Love We Deliver, but more importantly Joan Rivers’ face is an absolute work of art.  That thing doesn’t move.

A couple years ago, Donald weighed in on the whole Lindsay Lohan situation, which oddly enough is relatively unchanged today.  The advice he had for Lindsay was, “Find what you love doing (other than drugs and alcohol), work hard, stay focused, get a new set of parents.”  She obviously didn’t take his advice but she apparently did send him a case of her Sevin Nyne self-tanner.  Donald was distractingly orange last night.

Anyway, The Great Pumpkin is in love with himself and had a three-hour finale that seriously could have been done in sixty minutes.  Joan won.  Donald’s a tangerine.  Oh, and you could see clear through professional poker player and challenger Annie Duke’s dress.

FINALLY, something interesting happened on Celebrity Apprentice.

Check out the CRAZINESS that ensued after Melissa Rivers was fired by Donald Trump last night. HOLY CRAP. It’s just a game, you guys. They really took this personally. I gotta admit, though: It’s good TV. You’d think Joan and Melissa would be a little more media-savvy by now, and that they’d know how bad something like this would make them look. Then again, maybe it was a coordinated PR stunt. Nah. They’re not that good at acting.

Anybody have a link to a clip of what actually went down in the boardroom? I couldn’t find one on YouTube but I really really want to see it now!!!

Update: Here’s a clip of Melissa’s exit interview, with more stuff from the boardroom.

“Well, I’ve worked with stupid actresses — I’ve worked with Angelina Jolie — she saw a sign that said ‘WET FLOOR’ one time, and she did! I mean, she’s attractive, but not a bright girl — stunningly beautiful, but stupid.”

Joan Rivers, on Angelina Jolie, in a recent interview.

She was with E! for awhile, then she moved to TV Guide network, and, most recently, Joan Rivers has been critiquing the red carpet from … a blog?

Shit, I can do that.

What I can’t do is get VH1 to support my blogging efforts.

Their interest in Joan’s red-carpet commentary is leading some folks at the LA Times to wonder whether VH1’s getting into the red carpet business.

I have a hunch — and more than that — that Joan and Melissa are secretly planning a dramatic comeback to the red carpet.

What’s key about current circumstances is that Joan and Melissa did their Internet gig with VH1. That sure makes you wonder: Is the music channel planning to get into the red carpet biz? If so, why weren’t Joan and Melissa at the Emmys repping VH1? Currently, no rival network has an exclusive deal. The TV Guide Channel eventually busted that E! monopoly, opening up the carpet to other cable players.

When I recently asked Joan’s PR rep if the Rivers gals will work red carpets for VH1 in the future, she got noticeably nervous and replied: “No comment.”

The whole article is interesting and worth a read, by the way — lots of behind-the-scenes drama in there — but Joan and Melissa back on the red carpet? On VH1???

I love it.

Tara Reid can still get modeling jobs. [Rappy's]

Josh and Scarlett have come to terms with the fact that they are the sexiest people under 30 on the face of this planet, and they simply have no choice but to date each other. [The Blemish]

Joan Rivers, now officially senile, thinks this country considers Jessica Simpson an intellectual. [Agent Bedhead]

Yes, of course Halle Berry’s releasing an album. What did you expect her to do at this stage of her career? Act? [Pop on the Pop]

Evangeline Lilly’s Hawaii home burns down. This is where I write a joke that demonstrates some background knowledge of Evangeline Lilly or that show she’s on. I have no such knowledge. [Bricks and Stones]

Check out the first track from Whitney Houston’s comeback album. [Bossip]