My asshole boyfriend married Fat-Arms on Necker Island in the Caribbean this weekend. The two got engaged in August, much to my dismay.

Normally I’d take this opportunity to go on a cute little rant about Fat-Arms and her fat arms and how Jimmy Fallon should be mine but I’m just too depressed right now to even do that.

Will I never get the guy?

And neither do I, after his recent decision to marry Fat-Arms.

Morgan — who managed to score two DUIs last year — told the October issue of Penthouse that he and his SNL castmates were bothered by Fallon’s “laughing and all that dumb shit he used to do. He wouldn’t mess with me because I didn’t fucking play that shit. That’s taking all the attention off of everybody else and putting it on you, like, ‘Oh, look at me, I’m the cute one.’ I told him not to do that shit in my sketches, so he never did.”

I like how Tracy assumes that Fallon didn’t laugh during his sketches because of his stern talking-to. I don’t think anyone ever laughed during Tracy Morgan’s SNL sketches, especially the audience.

You guys, I hate to bring you news like this. Hell, I hate to bring me news like this. Jimmy Fallon clearly didn’t get the memo that he is my boyfriend, and went and got his ass engaged to some loser movie producer. Her name is — you know what? Fuck what her name is. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter and her arms are fat. I’m going to call her Fat-Arms. My boyfriend and Fat-Arms got engaged at Fat-Arms’ family home in New Hampshire. He gave her a fancy diamond ring that will probably get stuck on her fat fingers and she’ll have to stick them in a tub of butter to get the ring off when they get divorced because he realizes we were meant to be together. Then she’ll probably eat all the butter.

Fat-Arms met my boyfriend on the set of the Drew Barrymore film Fever Pitch, because Fat-Arms owns Flower Films, the production company behind that particular cinematic opus, along with Drew Barrymore.

This is Jimmy’s first marriage because he was waiting for me until she brainwashed him. It’s also Fat-Arms’ first marriage, for reasons that should be by now obvious.