Jimmy took his wife, Fat Arms, to a party for the launch of TOPSHOP in NYC, and she looked like … that. This is not a rare occurrence. Fat Arms has a knack for buying her red carpet clothes at Target. (Please don’t get me wrong. I love Target. I would live in a Target if they’d allow it. But I’d go somewhere else to buy my clothes for fashion-related red carpet events.) The shoes are ALL WRONG for that dress, and she would have been better going without a belt than choosing a belt that soooo doesn’t create a pleasant silhouette.

I need your help people. Please fill in the blank:

Jimmy Fallon is in love with Nancy “Fat Arms” Juvonen because _______________________________ .

I really need to learn how to work my DVR.  I’m bummed out that I’m missing out on Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  Last night Jimmy danced off with Cameron Diaz and see?  Even Hollywood can’t stop talking about Octo-mom.

Last night was the premiere of Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  How was it?  I was so asleep and missed it.

Justin Timberlake was a guest and did a great imitation of John Mayer.  Beyond my general dislike for Jennifer Aniston’s time-killer, I cannot look at him when he sings.  Cannot.  You know he makes the exact same faces when he’s having sex.  And I cannot abide by fucking a dude who rolls his eyes into the back of his head.  I suspect I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Oh, and poor Robert DeNiro.  He looks so-addled.

I couldn’t find a decent sound quality clip of the bit so you’ll have to fast forward to 5:00 to get to the John Mayer part.  Around seven minutes, he does a great Michael McDonald too.

Last night was the LA premiere of He’s Just Not That Into You.  We already saw what anorex-shrek looked like, but what do you think of Scarlett Johansson’s new look?  I struggle every single time I write her last name.  I have a mental block against the spelling; the mnemonic device of “slutty Scarlett” has helped greatly.

Angie Dickinson Drew Barrymore was seen hugging Justin Long which should prompt a rash of “Drew and Mac Guy Reunited” stories; I was just grateful for the embrace so I didn’t have to look at the stains on his shirt or that frosted Revlon “Pink in the Afternoon” lipstick crap she’s so committed to lately.  Or her dress.  Or tongue ring…sigh.

The best Jennifer Aniston could do was an uncombed ponytail and unknown soap star, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, accessorized her Long John Silver’s uniform with croc shoe boots and a large patent leather maxi-pad.  Kevin Connolly is still cute, Ben Affleck wishes he was dead and Jimmy Fallon’s wife is getting better looking with time.

My asshole boyfriend married Fat-Arms on Necker Island in the Caribbean this weekend. The two got engaged in August, much to my dismay.

Normally I’d take this opportunity to go on a cute little rant about Fat-Arms and her fat arms and how Jimmy Fallon should be mine but I’m just too depressed right now to even do that.

Will I never get the guy?

And neither do I, after his recent decision to marry Fat-Arms.

Morgan — who managed to score two DUIs last year — told the October issue of Penthouse that he and his SNL castmates were bothered by Fallon’s “laughing and all that dumb shit he used to do. He wouldn’t mess with me because I didn’t fucking play that shit. That’s taking all the attention off of everybody else and putting it on you, like, ‘Oh, look at me, I’m the cute one.’ I told him not to do that shit in my sketches, so he never did.”

I like how Tracy assumes that Fallon didn’t laugh during his sketches because of his stern talking-to. I don’t think anyone ever laughed during Tracy Morgan’s SNL sketches, especially the audience.

You guys, I hate to bring you news like this. Hell, I hate to bring me news like this. Jimmy Fallon clearly didn’t get the memo that he is my boyfriend, and went and got his ass engaged to some loser movie producer. Her name is — you know what? Fuck what her name is. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter and her arms are fat. I’m going to call her Fat-Arms. My boyfriend and Fat-Arms got engaged at Fat-Arms’ family home in New Hampshire. He gave her a fancy diamond ring that will probably get stuck on her fat fingers and she’ll have to stick them in a tub of butter to get the ring off when they get divorced because he realizes we were meant to be together. Then she’ll probably eat all the butter.

Fat-Arms met my boyfriend on the set of the Drew Barrymore film Fever Pitch, because Fat-Arms owns Flower Films, the production company behind that particular cinematic opus, along with Drew Barrymore.

This is Jimmy’s first marriage because he was waiting for me until she brainwashed him. It’s also Fat-Arms’ first marriage, for reasons that should be by now obvious.