Joseph Gordon-Levitt was on Jimmy Fallon last night to promote his hosting gig on SNL tonight and ohhhhhh boy do I have a crush on this man. He spends the first minute of his interview praising the house band, The Roots and goes on to tell them that they are the whole reason why he listens to hip hop music. I don’t know what it is about this kid, maybe just the fact that he’s so handsome and seems so entirely psyched on life, but I probably kind of sort of think I need to marry him. Also, as he says in the interview, his SNL monologue tonight sounds like one not to be missed, so gear up your DVRs or get ready to tune in on Hulu Sunday because I think he may just top Drew Barrymoore and Taylor Swifts already exceptional opening bits on the show.

Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night show might suck, but he did a pretty funny skit last night.  He dressed up as Billy Ray Cyrus and rapped a song to explain his daughter’s departure from Twitter and to reassure his fans that he is still on Twitter.  Really, it’s all just an excuse for Jimmy Fallon to publicly make an ass of himself.  And I’m okay with that.

Jimmy took his wife, Fat Arms, to a party for the launch of TOPSHOP in NYC, and she looked like … that. This is not a rare occurrence. Fat Arms has a knack for buying her red carpet clothes at Target. (Please don’t get me wrong. I love Target. I would live in a Target if they’d allow it. But I’d go somewhere else to buy my clothes for fashion-related red carpet events.) The shoes are ALL WRONG for that dress, and she would have been better going without a belt than choosing a belt that soooo doesn’t create a pleasant silhouette.

I need your help people. Please fill in the blank:

Jimmy Fallon is in love with Nancy “Fat Arms” Juvonen because _______________________________ .

I really need to learn how to work my DVR.  I’m bummed out that I’m missing out on Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  Last night Jimmy danced off with Cameron Diaz and see?  Even Hollywood can’t stop talking about Octo-mom.

Last night was the premiere of Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  How was it?  I was so asleep and missed it.

Justin Timberlake was a guest and did a great imitation of John Mayer.  Beyond my general dislike for Jennifer Aniston’s time-killer, I cannot look at him when he sings.  Cannot.  You know he makes the exact same faces when he’s having sex.  And I cannot abide by fucking a dude who rolls his eyes into the back of his head.  I suspect I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Oh, and poor Robert DeNiro.  He looks so-addled.

I couldn’t find a decent sound quality clip of the bit so you’ll have to fast forward to 5:00 to get to the John Mayer part.  Around seven minutes, he does a great Michael McDonald too.

Last night was the LA premiere of He’s Just Not That Into You.  We already saw what anorex-shrek looked like, but what do you think of Scarlett Johansson’s new look?  I struggle every single time I write her last name.  I have a mental block against the spelling; the mnemonic device of “slutty Scarlett” has helped greatly.

Angie Dickinson Drew Barrymore was seen hugging Justin Long which should prompt a rash of “Drew and Mac Guy Reunited” stories; I was just grateful for the embrace so I didn’t have to look at the stains on his shirt or that frosted Revlon “Pink in the Afternoon” lipstick crap she’s so committed to lately.  Or her dress.  Or tongue ring…sigh.

The best Jennifer Aniston could do was an uncombed ponytail and unknown soap star, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, accessorized her Long John Silver’s uniform with croc shoe boots and a large patent leather maxi-pad.  Kevin Connolly is still cute, Ben Affleck wishes he was dead and Jimmy Fallon’s wife is getting better looking with time.

My asshole boyfriend married Fat-Arms on Necker Island in the Caribbean this weekend. The two got engaged in August, much to my dismay.

Normally I’d take this opportunity to go on a cute little rant about Fat-Arms and her fat arms and how Jimmy Fallon should be mine but I’m just too depressed right now to even do that.

Will I never get the guy?