As I told you earlier today, NBC put Conan O’Brien’s nuts in a vice this week and gave him an ultimatum: start your show at 12:05 after an 11:35 Leno show, or get moving. Pretty harsh considering Conan’s long relationship with the network and his cult-like fanbase. Then later today Conan released a statement saying that he’s not going to move his show, and NBC can figure it out on their own. Well, he says it far more eloquently than that. Here’s the statement:

People of Earth:In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Personally, I found this statement to be heart wrenching. Like the nicest guy in the room has a drunk slut draped over him and he just wants to make sure she gets in to her own bed unharmed. And Jimmy Fallon. Holy shit, is he one lucky sonnofabitch right now.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt was on Jimmy Fallon last night to promote his hosting gig on SNL tonight and ohhhhhh boy do I have a crush on this man. He spends the first minute of his interview praising the house band, The Roots and goes on to tell them that they are the whole reason why he listens to hip hop music. I don’t know what it is about this kid, maybe just the fact that he’s so handsome and seems so entirely psyched on life, but I probably kind of sort of think I need to marry him. Also, as he says in the interview, his SNL monologue tonight sounds like one not to be missed, so gear up your DVRs or get ready to tune in on Hulu Sunday because I think he may just top Drew Barrymoore and Taylor Swifts already exceptional opening bits on the show.

Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night show might suck, but he did a pretty funny skit last night.  He dressed up as Billy Ray Cyrus and rapped a song to explain his daughter’s departure from Twitter and to reassure his fans that he is still on Twitter.  Really, it’s all just an excuse for Jimmy Fallon to publicly make an ass of himself.  And I’m okay with that.

Jimmy took his wife, Fat Arms, to a party for the launch of TOPSHOP in NYC, and she looked like … that. This is not a rare occurrence. Fat Arms has a knack for buying her red carpet clothes at Target. (Please don’t get me wrong. I love Target. I would live in a Target if they’d allow it. But I’d go somewhere else to buy my clothes for fashion-related red carpet events.) The shoes are ALL WRONG for that dress, and she would have been better going without a belt than choosing a belt that soooo doesn’t create a pleasant silhouette.

I need your help people. Please fill in the blank:

Jimmy Fallon is in love with Nancy “Fat Arms” Juvonen because _______________________________ .

I really need to learn how to work my DVR.  I’m bummed out that I’m missing out on Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  Last night Jimmy danced off with Cameron Diaz and see?  Even Hollywood can’t stop talking about Octo-mom.

Last night was the premiere of Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  How was it?  I was so asleep and missed it.

Justin Timberlake was a guest and did a great imitation of John Mayer.  Beyond my general dislike for Jennifer Aniston’s time-killer, I cannot look at him when he sings.  Cannot.  You know he makes the exact same faces when he’s having sex.  And I cannot abide by fucking a dude who rolls his eyes into the back of his head.  I suspect I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Oh, and poor Robert DeNiro.  He looks so-addled.

I couldn’t find a decent sound quality clip of the bit so you’ll have to fast forward to 5:00 to get to the John Mayer part.  Around seven minutes, he does a great Michael McDonald too.

Last night was the LA premiere of He’s Just Not That Into You.  We already saw what anorex-shrek looked like, but what do you think of Scarlett Johansson’s new look?  I struggle every single time I write her last name.  I have a mental block against the spelling; the mnemonic device of “slutty Scarlett” has helped greatly.

Angie Dickinson Drew Barrymore was seen hugging Justin Long which should prompt a rash of “Drew and Mac Guy Reunited” stories; I was just grateful for the embrace so I didn’t have to look at the stains on his shirt or that frosted Revlon “Pink in the Afternoon” lipstick crap she’s so committed to lately.  Or her dress.  Or tongue ring…sigh.

The best Jennifer Aniston could do was an uncombed ponytail and unknown soap star, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, accessorized her Long John Silver’s uniform with croc shoe boots and a large patent leather maxi-pad.  Kevin Connolly is still cute, Ben Affleck wishes he was dead and Jimmy Fallon’s wife is getting better looking with time.