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Listen, I don’t claim to really understand what’s going on here, but I have been getting emails from the Speedfit guys all morning begging me to run this clip of a (much thinner) Jessica Simpson recording a workout video.

Says one email, from a guy named Alex:

Finally the Karma is coming back to hunt her because she did not want to approve the SPEEDFIT Workout Video to help Millions of Fat People ! Now, She will get the feeling how is to be FAT

So, yeah. The story’s off to a good start.

And here’s what Defamer has to say about the whole mess:

Shot in 2005, the taping was a reported disaster (MNSBC reported she showed up drunk), and svendaddy Joe Simpson blocked all sales of the tape, resulting in Speedfit owner Alex Astilean suing the Simpsons for $10 million for breach of contract.

An anonymous tipster with a possible axe to grind sent us some of the Speedfit shoot footage. It starts promisingly enough, with Simpson telling us she’s here “to introduce you to the Speedfit system.” Things fly off the rails soon after, however, when system mastermind Astilean poses a brain-collapsing imponderable: “Do you ever see horses doing a marathon?” (Asked, we suspect, to literally confuse the pounds away.)

Then the recorded voice of David Levin—according to this video Simpson’s own business manager—plays over footage of Jessica on a treadmill. In discussing the lawsuit, he says the following:

“Listen. I think you would be justified in calling her a bitch, in calling Joe an asshole…I think Joe will hire the most powerful lawyer and take that contract and shove it so far up your rectum that you’ll never have a Speedfit.”

So … um … thoughts?

Specifically: Do you ever see horses running a marathon?

Ashlee Simpson is on the warpath, defending big sister Jessica.  Here’s the part of her tiring tirade that I did marginally agree with:

Since when did a woman’s weight become newsworthy?  A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure.  All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

She also claimed that one would never be so mean to a friend or relative in real life.  Actually, that’s where she’s wrong.  Because if any friend of mine, weighing more than 109 pounds, is seen in high-waisted jeans and/or a bad bra, they should basically expect that I’ll be staging an intervention for them.

Ashlee whined, “How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?”  I don’t know Ashlee but the next time I see a size two figure, I’ll be sure to be kind.  What does this have to do with Jessica?

She was once America’s sweetheart, hawking boxed perfume gift sets and buffalo wings to the masses; now we find her wearing mom jeans and back fat, belting out her country tunes at a local chili fest.  Jess was the featured act this weekend at 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook-Off.

It’s time for a comeback.  And a Pilates class.

I’m adopting a new rule with my friends.  Don’t even talk to me if there isn’t an atomizer/dusting powder gift set with your name on it at my local Macy’s.  You are nothing without your own fragrance line. 

And I am aware I’m fixating at this point but this is my puppy cam.  Knowing that Fancy (Jessica Simpson’s newest), is supposed to be representative of things she likes, what do you think it smells like?  I’m thinking hot dogs with half-notes of barbecue.

I’m just going to copy-paste OK! magazine’s article here, because I don’t think I could sum it up any better myself:

Oh, how the mighty have apparently fallen!

From stadiums to bingo halls, Jessica Simpson’s performance venues have apparently slid towards the less-than-glamorous: Bingo regulars at the 2,500-capacity San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, Calif., had to go elsewhere for their game on Nov. 13 when she performed there.

The hall’s florescent lighting, dirty carpet and fried-food odor is a far cry from the venues J-Simp played back when her album In This Skin sold 7 million copies.

“Jessica’s dressing room at the bingo hall was a little larger than a broom closet,” an insider tells OK!.

“There’s an iron, but no ironing board. There’s not even a fridge!”

I like how this article acts like the real victims here are the poor old folks whose Bingo game was displaced so that some washed-up floozy could do her singin’ and dancin’ act. There is no justice in this world!

This is a freaking ADORABLE story about Jessica Simpson’s man:

A homeless man who goes by Doc was cashing in change at a Cinemark Theatre in Dallas when a guy walked up and offered to pay his way into the movie. He planned to spend his day passing out fliers and accepted a rain check before realizing that he recognized the generous gentleman.

“Was that Tony Romo?” Doc asked the worker behind the counter.

It sure was. Doc, who requested that his real name not be used, hustled across the street to the consignment store that paid him to occasionally pass out fliers and requested the day off. By the time he got back to the theater, Role Model had already started.

Romo, who confirmed the story but didn’t want to elaborate, waved Doc over to sit by him and his friend. Doc sheepishly mentioned that he hadn’t showered in a few days.

“Don’t worry about that,” Romo said. “I’m used to locker rooms.”

And so the $67 million quarterback and a man who doesn’t have $6.70 to his name sat next to each other and shared laughs for 90 minutes or so.

For Romo – who made news by changing a couple’s tire on a roadside on the way home the night of the season opener – it was just another kind gesture to a random stranger. It meant the world to Doc.

“For me, it was a blessing,” Doc said. “It came at just the right time. It gave me some encouragement and faith in mankind. I just wanted to say thank you.”

What a cutie!!!

Is it possible that Jessica Simpson’s actually managed to snag herself a downright decent dude?

There’s only one problem with this: we’re supposed to be BOYCOTTING Cinemark, dammit! What would Ken Paves think?

People should be protesting this outfit no matter what.

Jessica looks like hell these days.

At the Macy’s 150th birthday celebration in NYC.