Remember when Jessica Simpson could sing? Me neither. Last night she opened for Rascal Flatts in Grand Rapids, Michigan and kind of fell apart. She forgot the words to her own song, “Come on Over”. As she began her last number, she told the audience that she felt like walking off the stage. And when she finally did walk off stage, she was wiping tears from her eyes.  So sad.

Boyfriend Tony Romo missed his flight to meet her which probably threw her totally off course. Or, she lost the key to the minibar in her room. Alright, alright…you didn’t think I was going to get through this without one food joke, did you? I’m done now. It kind of sounds like Jessica’s career might be too.

Video clip is of Jessica, last night, singing “These Boots Are Made For Walking”.  Revel in the talent.

“I wish her nothing but the best and I hope she’s happy — whatever size that comes in.”

ZING!

Nick Lachey weighs in — ha ha no pun intended — on the media frenzy surrounding his ex-wife Jessica Simpson’s weight gain.

Just to highlight exactly how big a deal this has become, our very own President made a comment on it during his Matt Lauer interview for the Super Bowl pre-game broadcast. The clip is below. Watch it now — it’ll be pulled soon.

I think the writers over at Page Six have officially lost their minds.  They did a photo gallery titled “50 Fat Celebrities”.  So, I took a look, and sandwiched in among the likes of Kirstie Alley and Kathy Bates is Elisha Cuthbert.  You know, the hot, blond chick from 24?  I mean, did they just hit a point where they couldn’t think of anyone else so they just threw in some random picture?  Dudes, how about Raven Fucking Symone?  Raven I Love My Curves Symone dodged this bullet and Cuthbert, who admittedly does have some slightly unfortunate knee fat, is one of the top 50 fattest?

I’m feeling kind of depressed today and so did not need to wake up to this.  In fairness, I don’t know how old this picture of Elisha in a bikini is, but I have some in the gallery of Elisha over the past few months.  If this is the definition of fat, I’m scheduling my gastric bypass, stat.  Ah, poetry, and on only two hours of sleep.  You’re welcome.

My other issue is that they had dead dudes on the list like Elvis, Marlon Brando and Orson Welles.  It is my opinion that, once you kick off, you no longer have the privilege of a “Fat Celeb” title.

Other fatty title-holders include Kelly LeBrock, Rachel Hunter, Danielle Fishel and, yup, Jessica Simpson.

Seriously, you guys, how often do we have to do this? A female celebrity gains twenty pounds, stops looking uber-hot, the whole world calls her fat, then the whole world throws a fit about body image, then the fat girl thanks her fans and acts like she loves her body, then she loses thirty pounds and drops her fiance. Because everything was totally fine before. Sigh.

Up now: Jessica Simpson.

In her first performance since the flap over her figure, Jessica Simpson strutted across a Virginia stage in skin-tight leather pants Thursday night and lamented the world’s “completely pointless” focus.

“Thank you for your support,” she told the crowd in Charlottesville at the end of her set. “Stay positive, and pray out loud! I love you guys, good night.”

Simpson, 28, never specifically mentioned the news of her new curves or the vocal support from her sister Ashlee and Kim Kardashian.

But in her performance opening for Rascal Flatts at the University of Virginia’s John Paul Jones Arena, Simpson was no-nonsense and outspoken in her black pants, V-neck T-shirt and hip-length black jacket.

“Please remember, no matter what you go through in life, somebody else might have it harder,” she told the crowd. “So just appreciate.”

Yes, Jessica, somebody else might have it harder … their abs, specifically.

You better BELIEVE Jess is gonna drop that weight and then some over the next couple of months, so I don’t wanna hear any of y’all like, “She looks great, I bet she’s happier than ever and loves her womanly body!” because you know what? She doesn’t.

This shit ran in the New York Post.

And you guys think bloggers are mean.

Wow.

Thanks Carol!

Watch Jessica Simpson Speedfit in Video Blogs  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Listen, I don’t claim to really understand what’s going on here, but I have been getting emails from the Speedfit guys all morning begging me to run this clip of a (much thinner) Jessica Simpson recording a workout video.

Says one email, from a guy named Alex:

Finally the Karma is coming back to hunt her because she did not want to approve the SPEEDFIT Workout Video to help Millions of Fat People ! Now, She will get the feeling how is to be FAT

So, yeah. The story’s off to a good start.

And here’s what Defamer has to say about the whole mess:

Shot in 2005, the taping was a reported disaster (MNSBC reported she showed up drunk), and svendaddy Joe Simpson blocked all sales of the tape, resulting in Speedfit owner Alex Astilean suing the Simpsons for $10 million for breach of contract.

An anonymous tipster with a possible axe to grind sent us some of the Speedfit shoot footage. It starts promisingly enough, with Simpson telling us she’s here “to introduce you to the Speedfit system.” Things fly off the rails soon after, however, when system mastermind Astilean poses a brain-collapsing imponderable: “Do you ever see horses doing a marathon?” (Asked, we suspect, to literally confuse the pounds away.)

Then the recorded voice of David Levin—according to this video Simpson’s own business manager—plays over footage of Jessica on a treadmill. In discussing the lawsuit, he says the following:

“Listen. I think you would be justified in calling her a bitch, in calling Joe an asshole…I think Joe will hire the most powerful lawyer and take that contract and shove it so far up your rectum that you’ll never have a Speedfit.”

So … um … thoughts?

Specifically: Do you ever see horses running a marathon?

Ashlee Simpson is on the warpath, defending big sister Jessica.  Here’s the part of her tiring tirade that I did marginally agree with:

Since when did a woman’s weight become newsworthy?  A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure.  All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

She also claimed that one would never be so mean to a friend or relative in real life.  Actually, that’s where she’s wrong.  Because if any friend of mine, weighing more than 109 pounds, is seen in high-waisted jeans and/or a bad bra, they should basically expect that I’ll be staging an intervention for them.

Ashlee whined, “How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?”  I don’t know Ashlee but the next time I see a size two figure, I’ll be sure to be kind.  What does this have to do with Jessica?