Jessica Simpson sang the National Anthem at a golf tournament that boyfriend Tony Romo — he was booed by spectators, because he was a Dallas Cowboys quarterback golfing in Washington Redskins territory and that’s bad —  played in yesterday in Bethesda, Maryland.  And you know, she didn’t suck.  Some news outlets are calling her screechy, belting out of “The Star Spangled Banner” offensive, but those underdeveloped, overextended vocal cords have sold a massive amount of albums.  She remembered the lyrics and no neighborhood cats appeared in hopes of using her leg as a scratching post.  I consider it a success.

What I do find offensive:  Horizontal stripes on Jessica Simpson.  Offensive.  Every time.

“Tony Romo is one of my favorite quarterbacks. I don’t think he’s my favorite — but he’s certainly one of my favorites. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. [But] Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for … well, Jessica Simpson got fat for Jessica Simpson! You know what I mean? I’ve always wanted people to be able to look back at each video and go, ‘Oh, remember what was going on at that moment!’ You know what I mean? ‘Oh, that’s when Jessica Simpson got fat.’ ‘Oh, OK!’ And even if she gets thin again, that’s fine. But for that moment in time, she was fat.”

Eminem, on his decision to mock Jessica Simpson’s size in the video for “We Made You.” (Video above)

Can we start composing a list of notable people who actually deserve to be on June’s cover of Vanity Fair?  Not that it really matters since the ditz without a deal issue is about to hit newsstands.

Jessica opens up her mouth for some barbecue about how she “never dated a guy that was more simple.” than Tony Romo, and she hasn’t talked to Nick Lachey in years.

Jess also praised the great job her dad is doing managing her career.  Her past two movies sped their way to DVD, she’s been dropped by her record label and she can’t remember the lyrics to her songs.  But according to her, her career is exactly where she wants it to be, all thanks to her dad.  Talking about her manager and father Joe, Simpson said, “I can talk to my dad like he’s my manager, and put ‘Dad’ on the back burner. We’ve been doing it since I was 13. So, at this point, we’re in a good rhythm. A lot of people find it strange, but it’s the only way I know. And I don’t care to know another way, because it suits me. And we’ve done a pretty dang good job.”

Conclusion?  Jess’ brain has officially been pickled by peroxide.  Click here to read the whole article because any author that characterizes Jessica Simpson as “looking less than slender, holding the microphone like a turkey leg,” deserves our attention and accolades.

Wendie wrote this morning about reports that Jessica Simpson’s name and artist page had been deleted from the Columbia Nashville and Sony Music Nashville websites. Now it’s been confirmed: Jess is no longer with the label.

They’re trying to spin this like it’s no big deal. According to her rep: “She was on loan to Sony Nashville for her country album. [She] is and has always been an Epic artist,” her rep adds. “She continues to be on Epic’s label.”

Jessica’s country career hasn’t been a huge success. Her country debut, Do You Know, debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard country charts, but it only sold 172,876 copies as of February. Not exactly a smashing success. Taylor Swift’s Fearless sold 217,000 copies in its first day. Her concerts have been one trainwreck after another, with Jess forgetting words left and right.

OK, Jess. Pop music isn’t for you. Country music isn’t for you.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Rap. Album. Stat.

Please, Jess? Please?

Actually, I have another idea. She should marry Tony Romo and do a reality show about it. It could be called Newlyweds … Again. Has anyone in the history of television ever done reality shows for two different marriages? Jessica Simpson’s certainly not setting any records on the Billboard charts, but maybe she can set a reality TV show record!

It looks like Jessica Simpson, the chili-cookoff princess who can never remember the lyrics to her own songs, may have been dropped from her record label.

There has been no official word on this, but Jess’ name and artist page have been deleted from the Columbia Nashville and Sony Music Nashville websites.  I don’t know why this has taken so long but I’m relieved that the music industry has finally figured out what I have known for the past decade-Jessica Simpson can’t sing and it takes more than tits, blond hair and a subpar IQ to sell records.  Jess didn’t attend the Academy of Country Music awards this week and instead opted for a trip to Taco Bell Mexico.  I consider her absence to be the real confirmation of her current, sans-label status.

Without a doubt, some other label will pick her up, she’ll release another horrible album that no one will buy, she’ll be dropped again.  This cycle will repeat itself over and over again and Jess can exclaim after each parting of the ways, “Oh my gosh y’all, I do this all the time!”  Because that’s kind of her tagline.

Jessica, may I suggest that you either have twins implanted in your uterus or commence a lesbian relationship, like, yesterday?  Your fame is in serious jeopardy.

When I was in high school, I was a big fan of the band Heart.  Even when the dark-haired one got fat, I never really thought about it.  Because Heart was awesome-period.

There is all this media attention focused on the size of Jessica Simpson’s ass right now.  I can’t help but wonder:  would anyone even care about her pant size if she was super talented and was able to, oh, I don’t know-remember her lines?

Jessica played the last show on her “Bob Your Head” tour with Rascal Flatts, Saturday night in Irvine, California.  And screwed up her lyrics-repeatedly.  And this happens all the time!

Bottom line:  If I shell out money for a concert ticket, I’m a fan.  And if I’m a fan, I don’t care what you look like.  But I sure as hell do care if you are unprofessional, untalented and don’t know your own material.

With Jessica’s history, I think she should have to refund ten dollars of the ticket price to all audience members every time she fucks up a line.  Pretty soon, she’ll be paying to perform.

I was talking to a male friend the other day, and he was like, “Man, I used to have the hugest crush on Jessica Simpson, but now I’m kind of embarrassed about it, because she got so fat.”

I was like, “Dude, I don’t think she’s really that fat. She’s just not a total skinny-minny anymore. She just has curves.” And he was like, “Yeah, you’re right. No, wait, actually, no. No, she’s fat now.”

Here’s Jessica, dangerously close to showing off her raspberry at a strawberry festival in Plant City, Florida this weekend.