Jess still looked pretty damn good as she ran errands around NYC with mom Tina, eventually heading to see sis Ashlee in Chicago on Broadway, where she’s reprising her role as Roxie Hart.

Last night Jessica Simpson Tweeted the above photo with the caption, “ Sizzlin’ w my peeps, pretty boy KP (@kenpaves), lil’ cholita (Mary Phillips)…look out Yo!!”. Look out yo, indeed. It turns out that things were so “sizzlin’” that Jessica’s make up artist/lil’ cholita, Mary Phillips would up in the slammer for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace.

Now, do y’all have any idea how difficult it is to be arrested for those things when you’ve been drinking with a celebrity at a hotel bar? Being with the celebrity is a pass to get away with most bad behaviors, but then to “disturb the peace”? What peace?! This is LA. It’s never, ever quiet. There’s this one guy who walks down my street at about 3 AM and screams racial slurs at the top of his lungs for blocks and he’s never been taken in. What the hell did this Mary Phillips chick do?!

Part of me has to wonder if maybe she’s allergic to alcohol or is in some other way intolerant to the sauce, because at 8:30 this morning when Jessica went to bail her out, she was still too drunk to be released. Can you imagine!? Your friend Jessica Simpson comes to bail you out of jail and the police are like, “Sorry, Jessica Simpson. Six hours later your friend is still too trashed for us to let her out.” Embarrassing!

Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are two of my favorite people on their own, but the idea of the two of them as a couple? Not so much. I suppose I’ll have to get used to the idea because E! News is reporting that the two are dating and that Jessica is “smitten” with Billy. Smitten, you say? That doesn’t sound like a word that real people use unless they are selling a story to a gossip rag, but whatever.

While it seems that the two may not have much in common, there’s actually quite a bit for them to talk about. For one, there’s the obvious musical connection and also? They’re both devout Christians. E! didn’t pick up on this or remember it, but since I read about Billy Corgan the way he reads about Jesus, I remember Jessica giving him a shoutout on her Twitter a few months back.

Maybe Billy Corgan is the nice Christian boy that Jessica Simpson’s been looking for?

Jessica Simpson arrived at LAX looking a lot happier than usual last night and I thought to myself “This is a woman who has felt the utter misery that was the year 2009 and look at her! Look at her smiling!” Of course I take in to account that she is a celebrity with the best material possessions money can buy and a close knit family, but think about it: she got schooled by Tony Romo publicly, got her dog eaten by some coyotes and continued to regularly get made fun of in the press. I don’t know about you, but any one of those things happening to me would make me crawl in my closet and want to die. DIE. But then look at her, just months after all of that has happened to her, she looks happy. Maybe it’s a fleeting moment but I was when I saw these photos I was all, “Damn, Jessica Simpson. I never thought you’d help me find inner peace. Thanks, girl.”

“Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?Don’t ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U”

Jessica Simpson’s Tweet to Perez Hilton in response to his blog that Bronx, Jess’ nephew, was celebrating his first birthday.  Perez’s ghost writer Perez wrote:  ”It’s been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it’s all the family is talking about! … Poor lil’ thing doesn’t stand a chance!!!”

What is more ironic?  That Jessica Simpson cares what Perez Hilton dot com has to say about her nephew, or that she thinks Mario Lavanderia himself is actually banging posts out about Jess and her fam?  PH is phucking phfamous now!

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz kept their baby Bronx alive for an entire year and yesterday they celebrated their glorious achievement by throwing their little boy a Sponge Bob themed birthday party.

You’d think that they’d do something Jungle Book related because the two are so obsessed with the Kipling book-turned Disney Classic that they got their son’s middle name from the main character (Mowgli– ew.), but they went with the Square Pants thing per the babies (kind of) request. “[Bronx] likes Bob and he likes guitar – which he calls ‘itar,’ so we’re going to have a SpongeBob party for him,” Pete told People. I would think that’d mean a Bob Marley themed birthday party, but I guess “special cake” would be lost on a one year old. Or kill him. I’m not suggesting people give their kids cake laced with marijuana, I’m just sayin’.

Perhaps my favorite part of this story is the nearly illiterate Tweets by the Simpson sisters made to commemorate the special day:

From Ashlee: “BX’s 1st bday tomorrow! My angel is going to be a year!! The greatest year of my life :)”

And Jessica: “Happy Birthday to my precious angel on earth!!! Bronx is 1 today!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I can’t believe it has been a year already.”

I’m going to be really sad when I have to write up a post next summer about how that poor baby got napped from Joe and Tina Simpson’s backyard by a coyote.

No, Jess didn’t finally reveal her real IQ, but she is coming clean about just how bad Melrose Place is.  When her sister Ashlee was on the show, Jess would frequently Tweet about it, reminding fans to tune in, as any supportive sister would.  Now that Ash got pink slipped, Jess is crediting her sis with all of MP’s success and she’s also getting real about the true caliber of MP and admitting to the world what we already knew:  Melrose Place sucks, y’all.  

Now that Mad Men only has one episode left of the season, and the Beautiful Life ended after two showings, what is left on television that’s any good?  And don’t say “Glee.”