Oh, look, it’s Jessica Biel, picking up a new MacBook at the Grove without any makeup on. Except she still looks like 1000 times better than normal people do after hours of hair and makeup.

And that, my friends, is why she gets to date Justin Timberlake and we do not.

That is my analysis of Powder Blue, whose dialogue-free trailer is above. I don’t know what’s going on in this movie, but it looks really sad and I have no interest in seeing it, because I hate movies that make me cry. I watched Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro last night and loved it. That’s the kind of movie I enjoy — where the only thing to be sad about is the realization that this is probably where Maura Tierney’s film career will peak.

Hopefully someone will just upload all the scenes of Jessica Biel stripping onto YouTube so that I can make fun of her without having to see any of the parts where people are sad or dying or otherwise angsty.

All these two ever do is exercise and walk their dogs!

When are they going to stumble out of a bar drunk or leak a sex tape or cheat on each other???

Stop acting like you’re in a healthy, well-adjusted partnership!

Oh, Jess. Thank goodness you brought this up. I’d almost forgotten that you posed nude for Gear magazine a long, long time ago, to get your ass out of your Seventh Heaven contract. Jess told Entertainment Weekly, in a new interview, that she regrets the shoot, done when she was only 17 years old.

“That photo shoot was just a really bad decision on my part and I got myself involved with people who weren’t thinking about me and were instead thinking about what kind of a story they could get out of it,” she said. “I learned a whole lot from the experience, so it was definitely a blessing in disguise.”

Um, Jessica?

And all the rest of young Hollywood?

Rule of thumb: The people telling you to pose nude? Are never thinking about your best interests.

Jesus, Jessica, there’s fasion-forward and then there’s dressing like a man.

This is a stupid outfit.

At the Rome Film Festival’s screening of Easy Virtue.

Why not?

Everybody needs to record an album.

Hollywood’s newest multihyphenate visited the NightBird recording studios recently at the Sunset Marquis Hotel, where she recorded tracks for music producer Marius De Vries.

A source tells E! News, “She was recording vocals for the Easy Virtue soundtrack.” In the film Biel plays Larita, a devilish American divorcée who marries a naive Englishman.

And apparently Biel is not just another wannabe actress turned pop star…

“She can hold her own as far as singing goes. She absolutely killed it,” says our source.

You know what I’m going to do?

I’m going to buy a large building in LA. The building will come equipped with a reality-TV camera crew and in-house paparazzi. Inside the building I am going to put a recording studio. And inside that recording studio I am going to put a full bar. And inside the full bar will be sewing machines and sketch boards on which one can design a fashion line. And next to the sewing machines is going to be a little perfume lab. And next to the perfume lab we will have a camcorder and a D-list dude with a hard-on.

I just think we can save the celebs of Hollywood a lot on gas by having it all in one place, don’t you?