Justin Timberlake is visiting Jessica Biel while she is on location in Vancouver to film the A-Team movie.  Naturally, all the media outlets are reporting that Timberlake and Biel are still together or back together.  I just don’t see it that way.

They went to lunch at The Naan with a friend.  Upon leaving, Justin spent most of his time talking on his cell whilst Jessica pouted.  When he finally hung up, she clipped on to him like one of those little koala bears we used to put on our pencils.

I don’t know why Jess thinks she’s Justin’s girlfriend; according to his family, he’s single and always has been.  His grandmother puts it like this:  ”Jessica was keen to marry, but Justin isn’t ready.  He’s busy writing new material and he works hard to be successful — he’s really focused on that. As far as we’re concerned, he’s always been single. The girlfriends come and go, but we believe nothing has ever been serious.  Justin does his own thing and he isn’t ready to marry just yet.”

I never saw this coming!  According to Us Weekly, Justin and Jessica are done!

They’ve been looking so completely miserable together as of late, so this shouldn’t be shocking.  The way a “pal” tells it to Us, Justin broke up with the very talented actress a month ago.  On the phone.  Though the friend says they are broken up, he also claims that Jessica is in serious denial despite her ex’s decision to bring single back.

There have been some stories cropping up lately that tell the tale of Justin fooling around with other chicks.  Also, during one of Lindsay Lohan’s times of having her Twitter account “hacked”, the “hacker” accused JT of making out with a woman in a club.

This is what I want to know:  1)  How long until Timberlake does a SNL skit about this split?  and 2)  How long until Timberlake starts his newest “relationship destined to fail” with Rihanna?

I’ve been saying it for ages, but the folks at McAfee Antivirus Software have confirmed it:  Looking at Jessica Biel can make you sick.  More accurately, she can make your computer sick.

McAfee has released the top fifteen celebrity searches that can lead to your computer being infected with a virus or malware.  Biel has a 20% infection rate!  I don’t know if the stats would be the same with other anti-virus softwares; I never had a positive experience with McAfee.

Here’s the full list:

Kelly wrote this weekend about how Jessica Biel is going to sing in her new film, Easy Virtue. Now we have video of her recording the track, “Mad About the Boy.”

Thoughts?

In her new movie, Easy Virtue (you can tell from the title alone that it’s going to be really deep and thought-provoking) Jessical Biel gets the chance to show off her pipes. No, I don’t mean her tits. That’s her other movie that just came out on the shelves of a Blockbuster near you. Easy Virtue is a completely different movie that doesn’t have any strippers or candlewax… at least I don’t think it does.

At any rate, Biel, who does a fair bit of singing in the new film,  reveals that she got her start doing musical theater like Annie and The Sound of Music, and that when she was a kid, she “wanted to be Whitney Houston.”
Keep up the good work Jessica! You’re one cocaine habit and a few religious delusions away from living the dream!

Jessica Biel is on the cover of June’s Allure and like every other marginally talented actress, she blames her beauty as a stumbling block to success.  “Yeah, it [her breathtaking beauty] really is a problem.  I have to be blunt.”

I’m more convinced than ever that Biel is totally clueless.  She cannot fathom why a casting director would laugh at the mention of her name.  “I’m in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference — but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No.  I just want an opportunity. If you don’t like the audition, don’t hire me!  But if you don’t want to even see me — that’s hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!”

Really, Jessica?  Because I think people do know plenty about you.  And based on this review and this clip, I’d never let you into my office either.

Powder Blue is one of the most depressingly bad movies ever made. Every decision — from the screenplay to the acting to the visual palette — is a cynical calculation based on an uncomfortable amalgam of several other much better movies. The characters are manipulated ciphers, their stories are emotional copycats, and the film is an ugly, wretched bit of sanctimony. Of course the film purports to be about finding hope in the unlikeliest places, but I found absolutely none, except when the credits started rolling … Most grievously insulted is Biel, who fulfills many lecherous fantasies by briefly exposing her breasts in a scene where she writhes on a strip club stage and splashes hot candle wax on her body while crying. This was no doubt intended to be an Oscar-worthy moment of bravery, but instead it’s an embarrassing display of directorial exploitation and a waste of acting goodwill.

Just one of many absolutely scathing reviews of the new Jessica Biel flick, Powder Blue. We’ve got a link to the super-fun candle wax/crying clip here.

Then check out this clip from her new movie, Powder Blue, here. (Warning: NSFW.) Biel plays a stripper in the ensemble drama about four Angelenos who meet on Christmas Eve through “chance, tragedy and divine intervention.”

Let me have a go at these:

There is a chance this movie with be a gigantic flop. It is a tragedy that no one learned anything from Elizabeth Berkeley’s fate in Showgirls. And it will take divine intervention for Jessica Biel to become the respected actress she’s trying to be.

The best part is toward the beginning where Biel’s character throws a bunch of hot candle wax on herself and then starts crying. OH THE DRAMA!

… I dunno how to finish that. The couple that jogs together … flogs together? Clogs together? Hedgehogs together? (I’m sure that means some sex thing to somebody. “Hey baby. I’m a little drunk. I think I’d be down to let you hedgehog me tonight. But you can’t tell anyone I let you!”)

Anyway, whatever it is, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are doing it. The couple defied break-up rumors for the billionth time by taking their perfect little bodies for a jog together in NYC. It’s so cute and healthy I could just vomit. (Doesn’t that sound easier than exercising?)

I am positively floored to hear this, but Jessica Biel’s new movie about the stripper with a heart, Powder Blue, is going direct to DVD.  I don’t understand how such a talent as Jessica can be put on the Blockbuster shelf over and over again.

She has another movie, Easy Virtue, that is set for limited release in May.  If it actually happens, this will be her first time on the big screen in over two years.

Personally, I maintain high hopes for Nailed, the cinematic (maybe!) masterpiece out for release later this year.  A fascinating plot in which the main character (Biel) has a nail lodged in her head that causes her to flirt with Jake Gyllenhaal.  How insulting is it to be part of a production where the storyline involves a woman who has to be impaled by a piece of hardware to show any interest in you?  Anyway, sounds like a blockbuster for sure.

May I suggest that Jessica needs a change of pace?  A stripper movie, a movie titled Easy Virtue, a movie titled Nailed.  We get it Jess-you’re sexy.  You’ve got to either go lesbian or get into a Holocaust movie if you want to advance this fledgling career of yours forward.

Jessica Biel and alleged kidnapper Clark Rockefeller Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter Justin Timberlake at an L.A. Lakers game last night.  Pictures in the gallery of Timberlake mounting his ho for benefit of the Jumbo Tron and the naysayers, of course.

Didn’t I predict that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were going to be breaking up?  I’m pretty sure I did.  So what in the hell is Justin doing making positive statements in the media about his little hooker with a heart?  In this month’s print issue of Hello magazine,(and speaking of “Hello”, uh, hello?  Is that even a real magazine?)  the former boybander was happy to swoon about his girlfriend of two years:

Recent paparazzi shots of Jessica trying on rings at a Los Angeles jeweler have only served to fuel the gossip that a wedding is [in] the cards – despite denials from Justin.

“I’ve been very lucky to find a woman as dynamic and as loving as Jessica,” says Justin. “Work has always been a huge focus in my life but now I realize how beautiful it can be to have someone to share it with. I’m so happy to have a great woman in my life.”

Q: Has it been difficult to keep you relationship as private as you might like?
“We do pretty much everything we want to do. Sometimes we get spotted by the paparazzi but usually we can find a quiet place to eat and no one will bother us. It can be distracting but you learn to keep walking and pay no attention.”

Q: Why is this relationship so special?
“We get along so well. The first thing we noticed when we started going out is how easily we made each other laugh. Sometimes when you meet someone it feels right from the beginning. She has a very engaging personality and we have a natural way of being together. I’m a lucky guy.”

Listen, Justin.  I don’t give a rat’s ass about you and Jess and your special way, okay?  All I know is that I do not appreciate you trying to fuck with my prediction success rate and I want this fuckery to cease immediately.

Le sigh.  Is it time for me to hang up my hoop earrings and crystal ball?  Hells, no.