Kelly wrote this weekend about how Jessica Biel is going to sing in her new film, Easy Virtue. Now we have video of her recording the track, “Mad About the Boy.”

Thoughts?

In her new movie, Easy Virtue (you can tell from the title alone that it’s going to be really deep and thought-provoking) Jessical Biel gets the chance to show off her pipes. No, I don’t mean her tits. That’s her other movie that just came out on the shelves of a Blockbuster near you. Easy Virtue is a completely different movie that doesn’t have any strippers or candlewax… at least I don’t think it does.

At any rate, Biel, who does a fair bit of singing in the new film,  reveals that she got her start doing musical theater like Annie and The Sound of Music, and that when she was a kid, she “wanted to be Whitney Houston.”
Keep up the good work Jessica! You’re one cocaine habit and a few religious delusions away from living the dream!

Jessica Biel is on the cover of June’s Allure and like every other marginally talented actress, she blames her beauty as a stumbling block to success.  “Yeah, it [her breathtaking beauty] really is a problem.  I have to be blunt.”

I’m more convinced than ever that Biel is totally clueless.  She cannot fathom why a casting director would laugh at the mention of her name.  “I’m in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference — but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No.  I just want an opportunity. If you don’t like the audition, don’t hire me!  But if you don’t want to even see me — that’s hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!”

Really, Jessica?  Because I think people do know plenty about you.  And based on this review and this clip, I’d never let you into my office either.

Powder Blue is one of the most depressingly bad movies ever made. Every decision — from the screenplay to the acting to the visual palette — is a cynical calculation based on an uncomfortable amalgam of several other much better movies. The characters are manipulated ciphers, their stories are emotional copycats, and the film is an ugly, wretched bit of sanctimony. Of course the film purports to be about finding hope in the unlikeliest places, but I found absolutely none, except when the credits started rolling … Most grievously insulted is Biel, who fulfills many lecherous fantasies by briefly exposing her breasts in a scene where she writhes on a strip club stage and splashes hot candle wax on her body while crying. This was no doubt intended to be an Oscar-worthy moment of bravery, but instead it’s an embarrassing display of directorial exploitation and a waste of acting goodwill.

Just one of many absolutely scathing reviews of the new Jessica Biel flick, Powder Blue. We’ve got a link to the super-fun candle wax/crying clip here.

Then check out this clip from her new movie, Powder Blue, here. (Warning: NSFW.) Biel plays a stripper in the ensemble drama about four Angelenos who meet on Christmas Eve through “chance, tragedy and divine intervention.”

Let me have a go at these:

There is a chance this movie with be a gigantic flop. It is a tragedy that no one learned anything from Elizabeth Berkeley’s fate in Showgirls. And it will take divine intervention for Jessica Biel to become the respected actress she’s trying to be.

The best part is toward the beginning where Biel’s character throws a bunch of hot candle wax on herself and then starts crying. OH THE DRAMA!

… I dunno how to finish that. The couple that jogs together … flogs together? Clogs together? Hedgehogs together? (I’m sure that means some sex thing to somebody. “Hey baby. I’m a little drunk. I think I’d be down to let you hedgehog me tonight. But you can’t tell anyone I let you!”)

Anyway, whatever it is, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are doing it. The couple defied break-up rumors for the billionth time by taking their perfect little bodies for a jog together in NYC. It’s so cute and healthy I could just vomit. (Doesn’t that sound easier than exercising?)

I am positively floored to hear this, but Jessica Biel’s new movie about the stripper with a heart, Powder Blue, is going direct to DVD.  I don’t understand how such a talent as Jessica can be put on the Blockbuster shelf over and over again.

She has another movie, Easy Virtue, that is set for limited release in May.  If it actually happens, this will be her first time on the big screen in over two years.

Personally, I maintain high hopes for Nailed, the cinematic (maybe!) masterpiece out for release later this year.  A fascinating plot in which the main character (Biel) has a nail lodged in her head that causes her to flirt with Jake Gyllenhaal.  How insulting is it to be part of a production where the storyline involves a woman who has to be impaled by a piece of hardware to show any interest in you?  Anyway, sounds like a blockbuster for sure.

May I suggest that Jessica needs a change of pace?  A stripper movie, a movie titled Easy Virtue, a movie titled Nailed.  We get it Jess-you’re sexy.  You’ve got to either go lesbian or get into a Holocaust movie if you want to advance this fledgling career of yours forward.