Before we get into the meat of this particular story, I would just like to bitch about Jessica Alba for a bit.

You see, when she was pregnant, she didn’t want photographers anywhere near her. She was awful about it. She later claimed she felt fat and disgusting and didn’t want people to see her that fat. Jessica: YOU WERE PREGNANT. It’s OKAY to put on a little bit of weight during that particular time period!

So, anyway, now that the baby’s out (and she INSTANTLY dropped the baby weight), Jessica cannot whore out that child frequently enough. I don’t run most of the photos on here, but you better believe that the photo agencies have new pics of Jessica with that small child damn near every day. And Jessica is not hiding her face or her baby’s — in fact, odds are she’d alerted the photo agencies beforehand. So I guess I’m just really annoyed that she was so ashamed of her pregnant body, but is now happy to use the result of that pregnant body to get her some publicity.

If you hadn’t noticed, Jessica dropped the pregnancy weight almost instantly (surgery, anyone?), but now she’s talking about how hard she worked out to get it off. “[The workouts] were horrible,” she said. “I cried. And I haven’t worked out since.” By “workouts” she of course means “liposuction recovery,” but whatever.

And as for the actual process of giving birth?

“Contractions aren’t that bad. If you’ve ever had bad cramps? That’s what they’re like,” she says. “But that moment when they put the baby on your chest – that’s deep. It’s a deep experience.”

Mothers? Is this true? I have heard way worse things about contractions. Maybe Jess just had it easy?

And as for being away from her tot for work?

“This is the first time I’ve been away from her. It’s been six days. It sucks; it’s the worst thing ever. But we Skype, so I can see her on video. The worst is when you can see her little chubby hands grab the screen, and I’m not there” she says, wiping away tears. “That’s a new thing – I never cried before. Just being a mother is making me a big, weepy mess.”

Okay, Jess. I find you marginally less annoying today. And, it turns out you do smile — when you’re calling Bill O’Reilly an “a-hole” on camera. Rock on, chica.

Jessica Alba may be happy about our new President, but she’s sure having a hard time showing it.

At the inaugural ball in DC she attended, this was the closest Jessica got to smiling for a photo. Looks like more of a smirk.

Why can’t she ever look happy? If you don’t want to be famous, Jess, stop making all those crappy movies and we’ll try to forget about you ASAP.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren show off their undying love and their wedding rings as they take little Honor Marie out in LA on Sunday.

Okay, what do you think costs more: that stroller or a pair of Lohan boots?

And what’s cuter: The baby in that stroller or a pair of Lohan boots?

I know what my vote is.

Image via WENN

Ya know, without a shitload of professionally applied makeup and a fancy hairdo, Jessica Alba doesn’t really look all that impressive. I mean, she’s not unattractive, but you wouldn’t be all like “WOW!” if you saw her like this. She just looks like a normal, semi-cute girl.

At the grand opening of The Conga Room in LA.

I know, I find it hard to believe, too. But spies are reporting to Page Six that Jessica Alba left a $200 tip at the new SoHo restaurant Via dei Mille after they comped the Nutella crepes she was eating with her daughter.

So: either Jessica Alba did something nice, or the PR reps for Via dei Mille planted this made-up item to get the restaurant’s name in Page Six.

You be the judge.

More importantly: Now I want Nutella crepes. Are those vegan?

At the Keep A Child Alive fundraiser in NYC.

Also pictured: Alicia Keys and Padma Lakshmi.