This is totally NSFW, you’ve been warned.  This clip has been flying around the Internet for the past 12 hours and everyone is claiming that it’s a trailer from Jessica Alba’s new film, “The Killer Inside Me” (and after viewing this trailer, I understand the movie’s title on a whole new level), but I think it could also easily pass as Jennifer Lopez’s first honeymoon video.

Jessica Alba told E! that she never feels sexy, not even on photo shoots, not even when she’s getting her ass whipped.  When asked if she had acting aspirations for her daughter, Honor, Alba replied “I definitely don’t want her to do that.  Anything but that!”

It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.

I’m just kidding!  Jessica Alba has gone red.  What do you think of it?

I think I’ve said this before, but as a rule I think women look best when their hair color is somewhere in the range of what they were born with.  Jessica has such a beautiful, dark complexion — she’s so striking — and red (pink?) doesn’t do her any favors, in my opinion.

Alba was out and about in Bev Hills today with her Adorable — yes, she is Adorable with a capital A — daughter, Honor Marie.  Honor is clearly at that stage that all kids reach where they discover they can move themselves from point A to point B and will no longer tolerate being toted around.  God, I hate that stage.

Jessica Alba and her super-awesome no-name girlfriends refuse to look the paparazzi in the eye as they leave Guys & Dolls in LA.

Jessica Alba got pulled over for a minor traffic ticket this weekend, and it was caught on tape, but definitely the best part of this vid is listening to the paparazzi be assholes to each other. If you’ve never had the opportunity to watch a bunch of paparazzi in a group, it’s an experience not to be missed. They’re always like this. Seriously if you make a trip to LA, don’t bother actually eating at the Ivy (it’s overpriced and the food sucks), just stand outside and listen to the paparazzi talk shit to each other. It’s hilarious.

Okay, so speaking of tattoos, Jessica Alba has a bow at the top of her ass crack.  Doesn’t that just tell you that she views anal as the greatest gift she can ever offer a man?  Ink that makes a statement:  “I’m Jessica Fucking Alba.  I offer my rectum to you.  You’re.  Welcome.”

I think I’m supposed to be focused on the fact that Alba now has blond hair, which I find to be a huge mistake.  Why must olive complected women give in to the blond?  Ladies, work with what you have and embrace the exoticness-”brunette” is not a dirty word.  Pictures in the gallery of that fuckery.

Jessica Alba has sworn off consuming anything white.  Personally, this just sounds like an excuse to avoid oral, but what do I know?  No potatoes, rice, white sugar or flour.  Basically, she is removing the will to live, one entree at a time.  No wonder she’s such a miserable bitch.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  You cannot be happy without tater tots in your world.

She’s even insisting that people do not eat white foods in her presence or even bring them into her home.  Now, when you attend highly-guarded celebrity weddings, security details check your pockets and bags for cameras and cell phones.  I wonder if Princess Jess has bodyguards to do some sort of a cupcake pat-down (and yes, I’m aware of the sexual innuendo) to guests before they are allowed to enter her palace.  Anyway, I’m so naturally sugar-sweet-I’d never get clearance.

I’d like to propose a ban of my own.  I’d like to ban all marginally talented at best, paparazzi-eschewing actresses from walking the streets dressed up like the Hamburglar.  Okay?

Yahoo! Movies posted a slide show of celebrities entitled “We’re Just Not That Into Them”. Clever, Yahoo. The premise of this list being movies stars that used to be American Sweethearts and now, well, not so much. Some notables from the list:

RENEE ZELLWEGER 
Biggest Box Office Gross: “Chicago” — $170,687,518
Most Recent Box Office Gross: “New in Town” — $8,628,291 (and counting)

soooooo true. When I look at her now I am inexplicably frightened. What happened to Bridget?! 

KATE HUDSON
Biggest Box Office Gross: “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” — $105,813,373
Most Recent Box Office Gross: “Bride Wars” — $54,298,710

I can’t believe “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” made close to $106 million. 

JESSICA ALBA
Biggest Box Office Gross: “Fantastic Four” — $281,576,461
Most Recent Box Office Gross: “The Eye” — $78,807,677

Honestly, I never though Alba was much of an actress. She’s got the emoting power of a wet sponge. I’m assuming she’s still famous based on her assets as opposed to her uh…talent. She needs to follow Charlize Theron and make a “Monster” or something. 

For the rest of the list click here. Someone is missing though, that shrew Katherine Heigl. Granted, her reign came and went in a space of a few months, but the point is perfectly valid. I went from seeing her in “Knocked Up” and being like “awwwww, I want to be her frieeeeend.” To then listening to her whine about misogynistic writers and stage pompous impromptu withdrawals from award consideration. Now I just want to throw a drink on her. 

Before we get into the meat of this particular story, I would just like to bitch about Jessica Alba for a bit.

You see, when she was pregnant, she didn’t want photographers anywhere near her. She was awful about it. She later claimed she felt fat and disgusting and didn’t want people to see her that fat. Jessica: YOU WERE PREGNANT. It’s OKAY to put on a little bit of weight during that particular time period!

So, anyway, now that the baby’s out (and she INSTANTLY dropped the baby weight), Jessica cannot whore out that child frequently enough. I don’t run most of the photos on here, but you better believe that the photo agencies have new pics of Jessica with that small child damn near every day. And Jessica is not hiding her face or her baby’s — in fact, odds are she’d alerted the photo agencies beforehand. So I guess I’m just really annoyed that she was so ashamed of her pregnant body, but is now happy to use the result of that pregnant body to get her some publicity.

If you hadn’t noticed, Jessica dropped the pregnancy weight almost instantly (surgery, anyone?), but now she’s talking about how hard she worked out to get it off. “[The workouts] were horrible,” she said. “I cried. And I haven’t worked out since.” By “workouts” she of course means “liposuction recovery,” but whatever.

And as for the actual process of giving birth?

“Contractions aren’t that bad. If you’ve ever had bad cramps? That’s what they’re like,” she says. “But that moment when they put the baby on your chest – that’s deep. It’s a deep experience.”

Mothers? Is this true? I have heard way worse things about contractions. Maybe Jess just had it easy?

And as for being away from her tot for work?

“This is the first time I’ve been away from her. It’s been six days. It sucks; it’s the worst thing ever. But we Skype, so I can see her on video. The worst is when you can see her little chubby hands grab the screen, and I’m not there” she says, wiping away tears. “That’s a new thing – I never cried before. Just being a mother is making me a big, weepy mess.”

Okay, Jess. I find you marginally less annoying today. And, it turns out you do smile — when you’re calling Bill O’Reilly an “a-hole” on camera. Rock on, chica.

Jessica Alba may be happy about our new President, but she’s sure having a hard time showing it.

At the inaugural ball in DC she attended, this was the closest Jessica got to smiling for a photo. Looks like more of a smirk.

Why can’t she ever look happy? If you don’t want to be famous, Jess, stop making all those crappy movies and we’ll try to forget about you ASAP.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren show off their undying love and their wedding rings as they take little Honor Marie out in LA on Sunday.

Okay, what do you think costs more: that stroller or a pair of Lohan boots?

And what’s cuter: The baby in that stroller or a pair of Lohan boots?

I know what my vote is.

Image via WENN