One upon a time in Shanghai, there was a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman who dated a guy who was kind of a jerk. This jerk had an obsession with actress and all-around hottie Jessica Alba. He plastered the wall of his home with pictures of her and often hinted to the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman that he wished she looked more like Jessica Alba.

Incredibly, this match made in heaven didn’t last (gasp!)

One day, the jerk decided that he would be satisfied with nothing less than Jessica Alba herself, so he broke up with the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman so he could devote more time to his hobby of finding ways around the Chinese government’s firewall to do Google image searches for “Jessica, Alba, Nip slip.” At least, that’s what the young woman says is the reason for the breakup.

Now, in a bid to win back the heart of her prince charming, this beautiful (but super…ahh, you know the rest) young woman is going to undergo massive plastic surgery in order to look more like Jessica Alba. And the Alba is not amused.

“I think you should never have to change yourself like that,” actress Alba said. “If somebody loves you, they’ll love you no matter what.”

And if they don’t love you, they won’t love you, no matter which gorgeous celebrity you pathetically and desperately try to look like.

Good luck with the surgery beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman. Enjoy being a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman for a few more months, before you undergo the surgery and become superficial and incredibly stupid young woman with a weird amalgamated face that looks like someone melted Jessica Alba and stuck her skin on a mutilated cadaver. Because that’s how these things turn out.

And IF it works, and your ex-boyfriend– by virtue of some psychotic lapse– takes you back, he is still going to dump your ass as soon as the novelty wears off. Because that too is how these things turn out.

The End

I don’t understand why AskMen.com always tells us the most desirable person of a given year at the beginning of the year. Is this the person that we desired the most in 2009 and that we’re not recognizing until 2010 or are they telling us who we’re supposed to concentrate on desiring in 2010? I don’t need to pull a muscle in my brain trying to sort this out, AskMen.com. SPELL. IT. OUT.

Anyway! You guys! Literally, you guys! You all voted on the top 99 hotties on AskMen.com and they’ve just released their surprising annual list. OK, let me rephrase that. I am not shocked by the list, it’s actually who I would have picked, too. Rather, I am surprised that everyone didn’t just vote for Megan Fox. Meggo didn’t even make the top 10, she fell on the list at 11. Number 1 is actually the young lady pictured above, Emmanuelle Chriqui. You probably know her as Eric on Entourage’s fiance Sloan. I’d like to congratulate the men of the world for ranking a seemingly sweet and charming woman as desirable. You’ve come so far.

Also in the top ten? Numbers two and three are Marisa Miller and Kate Beckinsale. Following them are Alessandra Ambrosio, Jessica Alba, Beyonce, Penélope Cruz, Cheryl Cole, Eva Mendes and Miranda Kerr. Not a bad list and not really anyone I would qualify as “scarily skanky” in sight. Maybe in these hard economic times men mostly “desire” smart and dependable women that can act as a pillar of strength for them, or maybe it’s just a coincidence that none of them give me “ho vibes”.

Who would you rank as the most desirable woman?

Last night were the People’s Choice Awards and Hollywood came out to accept their trophies. Some huge names were on the red carpet for the decidedly dressed-down event, including Mariah Carey, Ashton Kutcher and Taylor Swift. I have old people taste and I live under a rock made up of 90s sitcoms and 10,000 Maniac songs, so I’m never quite sure who these “people” are that are making the “choices”, but this looks about right. This looks like all the people the kids are talking about. Are you satisfied with the winners, and if not, who would you have liked to see win?

This is totally NSFW, you’ve been warned.  This clip has been flying around the Internet for the past 12 hours and everyone is claiming that it’s a trailer from Jessica Alba’s new film, “The Killer Inside Me” (and after viewing this trailer, I understand the movie’s title on a whole new level), but I think it could also easily pass as Jennifer Lopez’s first honeymoon video.

Jessica Alba told E! that she never feels sexy, not even on photo shoots, not even when she’s getting her ass whipped.  When asked if she had acting aspirations for her daughter, Honor, Alba replied “I definitely don’t want her to do that.  Anything but that!”

It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.

I’m just kidding!  Jessica Alba has gone red.  What do you think of it?

I think I’ve said this before, but as a rule I think women look best when their hair color is somewhere in the range of what they were born with.  Jessica has such a beautiful, dark complexion — she’s so striking — and red (pink?) doesn’t do her any favors, in my opinion.

Alba was out and about in Bev Hills today with her Adorable — yes, she is Adorable with a capital A — daughter, Honor Marie.  Honor is clearly at that stage that all kids reach where they discover they can move themselves from point A to point B and will no longer tolerate being toted around.  God, I hate that stage.

Jessica Alba and her super-awesome no-name girlfriends refuse to look the paparazzi in the eye as they leave Guys & Dolls in LA.