This is totally NSFW, you’ve been warned.  This clip has been flying around the Internet for the past 12 hours and everyone is claiming that it’s a trailer from Jessica Alba’s new film, “The Killer Inside Me” (and after viewing this trailer, I understand the movie’s title on a whole new level), but I think it could also easily pass as Jennifer Lopez’s first honeymoon video.

Jessica Alba told E! that she never feels sexy, not even on photo shoots, not even when she’s getting her ass whipped.  When asked if she had acting aspirations for her daughter, Honor, Alba replied “I definitely don’t want her to do that.  Anything but that!”

It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.

I’m just kidding!  Jessica Alba has gone red.  What do you think of it?

I think I’ve said this before, but as a rule I think women look best when their hair color is somewhere in the range of what they were born with.  Jessica has such a beautiful, dark complexion — she’s so striking — and red (pink?) doesn’t do her any favors, in my opinion.

Alba was out and about in Bev Hills today with her Adorable — yes, she is Adorable with a capital A — daughter, Honor Marie.  Honor is clearly at that stage that all kids reach where they discover they can move themselves from point A to point B and will no longer tolerate being toted around.  God, I hate that stage.

Jessica Alba and her super-awesome no-name girlfriends refuse to look the paparazzi in the eye as they leave Guys & Dolls in LA.

Jessica Alba got pulled over for a minor traffic ticket this weekend, and it was caught on tape, but definitely the best part of this vid is listening to the paparazzi be assholes to each other. If you’ve never had the opportunity to watch a bunch of paparazzi in a group, it’s an experience not to be missed. They’re always like this. Seriously if you make a trip to LA, don’t bother actually eating at the Ivy (it’s overpriced and the food sucks), just stand outside and listen to the paparazzi talk shit to each other. It’s hilarious.

Okay, so speaking of tattoos, Jessica Alba has a bow at the top of her ass crack.  Doesn’t that just tell you that she views anal as the greatest gift she can ever offer a man?  Ink that makes a statement:  “I’m Jessica Fucking Alba.  I offer my rectum to you.  You’re.  Welcome.”

I think I’m supposed to be focused on the fact that Alba now has blond hair, which I find to be a huge mistake.  Why must olive complected women give in to the blond?  Ladies, work with what you have and embrace the exoticness-”brunette” is not a dirty word.  Pictures in the gallery of that fuckery.

Jessica Alba has sworn off consuming anything white.  Personally, this just sounds like an excuse to avoid oral, but what do I know?  No potatoes, rice, white sugar or flour.  Basically, she is removing the will to live, one entree at a time.  No wonder she’s such a miserable bitch.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  You cannot be happy without tater tots in your world.

She’s even insisting that people do not eat white foods in her presence or even bring them into her home.  Now, when you attend highly-guarded celebrity weddings, security details check your pockets and bags for cameras and cell phones.  I wonder if Princess Jess has bodyguards to do some sort of a cupcake pat-down (and yes, I’m aware of the sexual innuendo) to guests before they are allowed to enter her palace.  Anyway, I’m so naturally sugar-sweet-I’d never get clearance.

I’d like to propose a ban of my own.  I’d like to ban all marginally talented at best, paparazzi-eschewing actresses from walking the streets dressed up like the Hamburglar.  Okay?