Jeremy Piven almost committed sushi suicide last year.  Don’t laugh; it can happen.  He went a little nuts with the Philadelphia rolls and before he knew it, he couldn’t act on Broadway any longer.  (Rest assured, his mercury poisoning did not deter him from partying around town.)

After Piv’s “recovery” from the mercury poisoning as well as the subsequent legal action the Speed The Plow folks tried to levy against him, he is now faced with yet another food aversion that threatened to cause him great discomfort … and breasts.

Piven’s newest whinefest involves soy milk, which makes me wonder if there’s another project he’s trying to weasel his way out of.  ”I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I’ve found out soya milk has enough oestrogen for me to grow breasts; I had to put the soya milk down.   It was a very confusing time.”  Really, Piv?  Because I’m the gal that wants nothing more than to slap you upside with a mercury-laden tuna steak whilst simultaneously pouring a half-gallon of Silk down your throat.  You won’t be confused then.

First and foremost, I missed all you crazy kids while I was away.  I appreciate you for choosing to surf on to Evil Beet Gossip, even if it is just to let me know how much you hate me, my perspective, and my overuse of commas and ellipses.  Today just seemed like a day that I should let you know that.  So, thank you.  Would you like to know who I didn’t miss?  Jeremy Piven.  As a matter of fact, any time he drops off the radar, I do not miss him.  Ever.

Here’s the latest in the “Jeremy Piven Just Sounds Like a Royal Asshole” series:  Chris Kattan was backstage at MTV, waiting to go on Alexa Chung’s talk show to promote his IFC series Bollywood Hero — incidentally, not a good show — when he struck up conversation with Jeremy Piven.  In a move that cements my love for Chris Kattan and my disdain for Mercury Boy, he asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his Broadway play.  The Piv was not amused.

Piven, who famously dropped out of “Speed the Plow” in December, is in a legal battle with producers who believe the actor fabricated his illness in order to get out of completing his contract, and was none too happy to be reminded of the incident.

The actor sniped back irritably, “Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?” – a reference to Kattan’s swishy “Saturday Night Live” stripper character.

The actors continued to bark for a few minutes, but while Kattan thought the argument was in jest, Piven did not.

Says an insider, “After some back and forth, Jeremy said something really personal to Chris that basically attacked his career. He said ‘Whoa, man  -  I thought we were just fooling around here.’”

Not the right thing to say to the man who plays Ari Gold, apparently. “I’m getting sued for that s–t!” the actor shouted. “It’s not funny!”

Our source adds, “Jeremy slammed the green room door right in Chris’ face, and about 20 people in the hallway outside could hear him yelling obscenities. He was furious.

“Chris felt really badly about the whole thing, so about 15 minutes later he tried to approach Jeremy again to apologize, to tell him he was just kidding and that he didn’t mean to offend in any way. But Jeremy wasn’t having it at all. He slammed the door in Chris’ face AGAIN.”

I never needed more confirmation that Jeremy Piven is the biggest dickwad in Hollywood, but if I did, this would be it.  What a little, fucking crybaby.  Of course he’s getting sued for dropping out of Speed the Plow!  He was so deathly ill with “mercury poisoning”, but still managed to be seen at every restaurant, club and party in the city.  Can we just send him a gross of tuna rolls (dusted with cocaine — we have to make it enticing enough to ensure that Piv eats the whole batch) and get it over with?

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Jeremy Piven story without a denial statement.  According to his rep, “Jeremy and Chris did see each other at MTV and they were joking around backstage before a talk show appearance, as many actors do. If it was interpreted as a fight, someone wasn’t paying attention.”  Kattan’s take, per his people, went like this:  ”Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with ‘What are you here to promote, Mango?’ Chris tried to apologize.”

Also, I don’t want to say that Jeremy Piven has the most brilliant publicist ever, but if you Google “sushi mercury” the seventh result on page one is an article about — who else? — Jeremy.  Brilliant.

Here is a realization that I just had: Hollywood seems more capable of speaking out against Jeremy Piven’s recent actions than about Chris Brown’s.

I’ve heard a ton of celebrities go on the record to call Jeremy out for dropping out of his Broadway show due to “mercury poisoning,” but nobody seems to want to go on the record to call out Chris Brown on beating the shit out of his girlfriend. In fact, Usher just issued an apology for being videotaped saying that Chris Brown should “show some remorse.” What. The. Fuck?

Anyway, here’s Felicity Huffman chatting with David Letterman about how her husband, William H. Macy, had to come to Jeremy’s rescue after he dropped out of the play. She says that William used to babysit for Jeremy when he was a child, and, she says, “in some ways you could say he’s still babysitting him.” Then she rolls her eyes a lot as Letterman prods her further about Jeremy’s “mercury poisoning.” The conversation happens around the 2:40 mark.

We can all go on national television and give Jeremy Piven a hard time for quitting a play with a bullshit excuse, but no one wants to go on television and give Chris Brown a hard time for gross domestic violence.

I don’t get it, I really don’t.

After unexpectedly dropping out of his Broadway play, Speed the Plow, citing mercury poisoning, Jeremy Piven convinced a group of fellow actors that he did not violate his contractual obligations on Thursday, thereby avoiding potential penalties for his high-profile departure.

You can read Piven’s official statement on the topic here, but here are some of my favorite excerpts:

Despite his worsening illness, Mr. Piven appeared in SPEED THE PLOW without missing a single performance during the show’s Previews and run for ten weeks, with glowing reviews. To do so, he underwent nearly daily care and treatment by multiple health care professionals at his own expense in order to combat his ongoing symptoms, which included extreme fatigue, spatial and balance problems, advancing neuroskeletal weakness, memory problems, difficulty breathing, and an alarmingly low resting heart rate. His treating physician repeatedly advised him to pull out of the show so that he could obtain the rest required to overcome his illness. Instead, Mr. Piven continued doing eight shows per week so that he would not let down his castmates, the audience, or the production. …

Although Mr. Piven’s forced withdrawal from the show was an enormous personal disappointment since it was his life-long dream to perform on Broadway, he is glad that his illness has helped raise public awareness of the serious health risks caused by Mercury exposure. He is also pleased that the Obama administration is seeking an international treaty to reduce Mercury pollution, which it has recognized as the world’s gravest chemical problem.

Uhhhh, so are you guys eating less sushi now? To prevent the mercury poisoning? Has your awareness been raised, guys? Or are you just more aware of the jokes about Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning?

Also why would “Mercury” be capitalized in this statement? Are you supposed to capitalize the name of every element on the periodic table, or was Jeremy Piven getting too close to a Roman god?

LOL!

This is such a great story! Jeremy Piven is in DEEP SHIT for dropping out of his Broadway play, Speed the Plow, due to “mercury poisoning” from too much sushi. Now he has to actually go and stand trial before the Actors’ Equity union to defend himself.

The producers of “Speed-the-Plow” brought Piven up on charges with Equity, arguing that his abrupt departure in December from the $3.5 million production wreaked havoc with their recoupment schedule.

Piven will appear before a committee of five actors and five producers. He is expected to brandish the results of a blood test given to him by his doctor, and will likely give a blow-by-blow account of his illness during the show.

He called several prominent actors on his own and begged them to replace him, sources said. He was also overheard telling people backstage that he was “bored out of his mind” in the show.

The producers also have a record of where Piven’s car and driver took him after performances, sources say.

Although Piven claimed he was so ill that he often went home after the show, sources say the log shows that he spent many nights out on the town. The producers will also point out that in the past, many ailing stars have taken a leave of absence from a show but have returned when they felt better. “Unless it’s a life-or-death situation, you usually find a temporary replacement and then negotiate a return,” said a producer not involved with “Speed-the-Plow.”

Jeremy is expected to appear in person for the hearing in Manhattan tomorrow. “It’s my understanding that he’ll be there – unless he has too much sushi on the plane from LA,” joked a person involved in the proceedings.

Ha!

Everyone is WAY PISSED at Jeremy about this shit. “I don’t think many theater actors are in favor of what he’s doing,” a veteran producer said. “They take jobs on Broadway very seriously, and he’s a Hollywood actor, behaving like one.”

If he loses at this hearing, he’ll be stripped of his Equity membership (but he’ll still have his SAG membership, so it won’t impact his film or TV work), and the show’s producers can take him to civil court and sue his brains out.

WOW!!

Do NOT fuck with a Broadway show, you guys!!!

Okay, guys.  I really have every plan of letting this go after this post.  Seriously, Jeremy Piven is just such a big, fat, fucking liar that I need to share that sentiment every time the opportunity presents itself. 

Piv’s publicist released a statement regarding the pending grievance filed against Jeremy for his departure from the Broadway play Speed The Plow.  It’s so long; You can read it in it’s entirety here.  The gist:

The claims made by the producers of Speed-the-Plow are absurd and outrageous. Mr. Piven’s serious medical condition has been well documented by multiple physicians. He withdrew from the play due to medical necessity on the advice of his doctors, after he was hospitalized and warned by his physicians that enforced rest was necessary in order to avoid serious medical problems, including a heart attack. His symptoms included extreme fatigue, spacial problems, difficulty remembering his lines, difficulty maintaining his balance, and an alarmingly low resting heart rate. Mr. Piven followed his doctors’ advice, although his forced withdrawal from the show was an enormous personal disappointment since it was a life-long dream to perform on Broadway.

And because prayer is answered, the video above was emailed to me today.  It was made by the National Fisheries Institute as a rebuttal to Jeremy Piven’s ridiculous claim.

Whew.  Okay, thank you for listening.  I think I’m over it now.

The producers of Speed the Plow have filed a grievance against Jeremy Piven for his early departure from the Broadway play.  For some unknown reason, the show has tanked since he left.  It’s hard to believe that Jeremy Piven is the lynchpin of success of any production, but the numbers don’t lie.

Before Jeremy got so “sick”, he had asked to be released from the show early.  He obviously never learned how to call in sick.  You can’t foreshadow your illness and you can’t claim drug abuse mercury poisoning and then arrive at every party, premiere and award show in the city looking completely healthy, save a bloody nose. 

Now, a committee will convene to determine if there should be some sort of monetary compensation paid to the producers.  I know that I’m only supposed to reserve prayer for really important things such as Amy Winehouse, so it would be wrong to pray for a huge fine for Piven, right?

Here’s Jeremy, obviously ill, last week at the Golden Globes.