Every once in a while I come across a story that blows out all my circuit breakers.  Today, this event has occurred.

Jenny McCarthy has teamed up with Oprah.  As I take a deep breath and forge ahead, it brings me physical pain to inform you that McCarthy now has a blog on Oprah’s website and is being groomed for her own talk show.  Jenny McCarthy.  Oprah.  It’s a perfect storm of lunacy.

In my hopes that this was all just a vicious rumor I could easily dispel, I headed over to O’s site only to discover “Jenny McCarthy” on the header, nestled in between “Elizabeth Edwards” and “Take Our Recession Poll.”  Currently, Jenny’s blogging about giving up sugar.  Which is something I did as well.  And it’s only a matter of time before she starts blogging about her son Evan’s autism.  That’s something I do also.  It really bothers me to have things in common with Jenny McCarthy.  Like, beyond both of us having ovaries, and I’d be willing to have mine removed if it resulted in this Jenny-O union being dissolved, I don’t want to relate to her on any level.

I think I’ll feel better if I start a list of the things we don’t have in common.  She is one of Oprah’s apostles; there is probably a restraining order on file that prohibits me from coming within a mile of Harpo Studios.  She blogs about her PMS symptoms; I could never be so hateful.  Her chesticles are plastical; mine are fantastical.  Oh, and she can cure autism utilizing a magic recipe of sorghum and rice.  I am completely incapable of curing autism.

“I love Botox, I absolutely love it. I get it minimally, so I can still move my face, but I really do think it’s a savior.”

Jenny McCarthy, in an interview with Michigan Avenue magazine.

Now, I completely agree with her here — I think if it’s used in moderation, Botox can work wonders. I think it gets a bad rap because some people abuse it and look ridiculous. I don’t even have wrinkles, but I use it from time to time to lift my eyebrows and just generally improve my skin tone, and I swear by it. I tell all my girlfriends to get it and they’re like, “But I don’t have wrinkles!” and I’m like “It doesn’t matter!” Then they get it done and they’re like, “This is amazing! I can’t believe I didn’t know about this before.” So there’s your beauty tip of the day, ladies: You’re never too young for Botox! (Your rants go in the comments section.)

But what the hell is Michigan Avenue magazine? Is it like an upscale Chicago lifestyle magazine? Remember when Jenny “Wheat-Free” McCarthy was on the cover of real magazines?

When their careers keep them apart, Jenny “Wheat-Free” McCarthy and Jim Carrey keep their relationship hot by having Jim do Internet strip teases for Jenny.

Jenny tells OK! magazine:

“I haven’t done any dancing, but I make him do that! It’s nice! With the iChat, we’re always afraid that there’s a third party watching! We’re a little bit careful, but it’s a great way to have that face-to-face connection! I go online and check him out. I tell him his outfit looks cute!”

It’s funny; I didn’t even realize you could do video chat on iChat until a few days ago when a friend of mine send me a video chat request. I was, per usual, sitting on my couch butt-naked, blogging, and I couldn’t deny the request fast enough. I was soooo worried I would accidentally accept it and my naked upper body would show up on her computer screen in all its glory. She texted me next me the next morning like “Are you mad at me???” and I was like, “No, I was naked!!!”

Anyway, seems to work well for Jenny and Jim.

Their love is no laughing matter.

Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey looked beautiful and in love at the premiere of Yes Man in LA last night.

I give Jenny McCarthy a lot of shit around here, but the truth is that I respect her for being so focused on raising awareness about autism and always putting her child’s needs first. She’s one of those celebrities who didn’t hold a press conference to talk about how she was going to focus on her family and humanitarian efforts and then proceed to focus on making movies and getting the paparazzi to take pictures of her with her kid. She just quietly transitioned from ditzy blonde bombshell to full-time mother and advocate for her child, and that shit wins a lot of points in my book. Also, she looks freakin’ amazing here. Rock on, Jenny.

Us Magazine is running this headline:

Jenny McCarthy: My Son No Longer Has Autism

Yes, that’s right, she “cured” him. With some manner of wheat-free diet.

And she’s in a position to make national news of this.

Every pediatric medical association in the country is going bonkers right now.

It’s been a long time since Ace Ventura, and most of what we see of Jim Carrey these days is his support of Jenny McCarthy as she spearheads the fight against autism and unsafe childhood vaccinations, but he’s clearly the same guy he always was.

Jim put on Jenny’s bikini for a paparazzi-friendly stroll in Malibu this week.

Cute.

[Image via Splash]

I don’t really understand what they’re arguing about, but I love that Jenny McCarthy is fighting her ass off in support of autism research and proper treatment. And I love that she said “bullshit” on CNN.

Jim Carrey poses on the red carpet with his two favorite women: daughter Jane and girlfriend Jenny McCarthy.

I love Jenny’s outfit here — it’s a cool twist on the nautical theme we’ve seen all over this season (phone call last week from friend: “Have you been to Forever 21 lately? It’s all sailor clothes! I just want a fucking tank top!”). And Jane has really grown up to be a beautiful young woman.

Check out Jim with his 20-year-old daughter, Jane. She’s quite the cutie. And I’ve never seen her with Paris Hilton, so she’s alright in my book.

Jim, ever the the dutiful boyfriend, showed up to support girlfriend Jenny McCarthy, who hosted a cocktail party for the UCLA Early Childhood Development Partial Hospitalization Program.

I don’t know what that means, but I do know two things that might shed some light on it:

1) Jenny McCarthy has a son with autism
2) GO BRUINS!!!

David Arquette likes watching his wife make out with Jen Aniston. How is this news? [Glitterati]

Beyonce photo gallery. [Film.com]

In college, my friends and I used to play the Movie Title Game. One person comes up with a ridiculous scenario and/or ridiculous pairings of actors, and the other contestants determine the appropriately hilarious title for said film. David Spade is a grocery bagger at Ralph’s? Paper or Spastic? Get it? Okay. So Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a hot-shot lawyer who decides to become an L.A. public defender. His partner? Janeane Garofalo. Go. [Pajiba]

Beyonce does the cover of Sports Illustrated. [Egotastic]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy got matching hair cuts, which is totally creepier than his new movie is going to be. [A Socialite's Life]

The set of Grey’s Anatomy has returned to normal. They’re getting into fistfights again. [Cele|bitchy]

American Idol claims another marriage. [PhillyBurbs]

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie’s father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise’s children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise’s best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie’s sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I’m kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don’t understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: “Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes.” If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone’s in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they’re an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you’re on your own.