Okay, they aren’t engaged, but they were seen holding hands this weekend which means that a ring is obviously part of the plan.  Oh, and Jennifer has probably started fertility treatments so that she can have a baby with Butler.

Here’s the scoop:  Gerard and Jennifer had dinner together this weekend at NYC’s The Jane Hotel.  Let’s see — what else? — they had drinks and there was the aforementioned hand holding.  Clearly the evidence points to impending nuptials.

In case my sarcasm is lost in translation, I’m sure they had dinner together, held hands because they’re friends and stayed at the same hotel because they are filming The Bounty.  It’s so sad that it’s come to this, but any man that comes within 20 feet of Jennifer’s snatch is now branded in the media as “Jen’s New Beau!”

Speaking of vivid imagination, the folks over at Glamorati claim that Jen’s last “New Beau!” Bradley Cooper is recently engaged to Renee Zellweger.  Puhleeze.  Didn’t Renee already do the hasty engagement and marriage to a mildly effeminate dude that everyone whispers about?

Jennifer Aniston has been shafted by a man she was dating for another woman once again, and of course that’s gotta hurt. While it may not have been her husband Brad Pitt or on/off beau John Mayer, Bradley Cooper has left her feeling cold after ditching out on her after a promising dinner date to settle in with Renee Zellweger.

It’s not that Jen really cares all that much about Bradley, although she did think there was a bit of promise for the two of them, it’s really more that she doesn’t understand what Renee has that she doesn’t. A source close to Renee explained to Us Weekly why they think she has the edge over Jen: “She just does her thing, has her friends and her life and is cool. She’s really happy and doesn’t need anyone to feel complete.”

Ouch. As opposed to Jen, who’s flailed around town with every dude I can think of since her split with Brad. One of Aniston’s friends also told Us, “She’s used to being single and in work mode, and she’s used to rejection.” Double ouch.

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it.”

This most hypocritical quotable was brought to you by Elle.

And while I laugh hysterically, to the point of not being able to catch my breath, I’m going to huff some Primatene.

I fully admit that I’m tough on Jennifer Aniston.  I’d really have no issue with her if it wasn’t for the near-constant interviews in which she talks about Brad Pitt.  Her neediness seems only to be overshadowed by her chin.  But now she’s gone and done something really nice that I must acknowledge … and I feel a little guilty for being so harsh.

Aniston has been in New York filming the thriller The Bounty with Gerard Butler.  Over the Fourth of July weekend, she paid every crew member’s salary for the Thursday preceding the holiday so that they could have four consecutive days of vacation.  Rumor has it that she personally walked around the set telling each employee “It was my husband’s idea.”  (I’m lying about that.)  A crew member said, “Jen is such a genuinely good person.  How many people in this world would pay for an entire movie set to have off for the day? Not just anyone does that. We’re talking big bucks.”   Listen, Jennifer Aniston has big bucks — she gets paid a subsidy every episode, every market when a Friends rerun airs — but she certainly is under no obligation to share the wealth.  Therefore, I begrudgingly admit that that was a really nice, completely un-Hollywoodish thing to do.

Perhaps “I am not dating Jennifer Aniston” should be added to those little yellow books of commonly used foreign language phrases; right between “Hello” and “Where is the American Embassy?”

At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Bradley Cooper spoke to reporters and once again denied that he and Jennifer Aniston are an item.  And he did it in French. Hot.

Translated:

She’s a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She’s someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says ‘hello’ to her, it’s given that he’s fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She’s a very, very interesting woman, but she’s simply a friend.

I wonder how many times he’ll have to do this. Probably every time he has dinner with her. Or speaks to her. Or looks at her. Because if you have a penis and come within a 5 yard radius of Jennifer Aniston, you are dating her.

It must be difficult for Jennifer Aniston to eat out, considering that she hast to be in a relationship with someone in order to eat dinner with them.

Late Friday night, Jen was spotted having a late dinner with The Hangover start Bradley Cooper. According to the manager, the two were “very nice and chatty.” Given that they also went to a party together in May, gossip bloggers consider this irrefutable evidence that the two are now engaged and she is pregnant with his love spawn.

I’m not going to hand Beet the tissue box and Jennifer Aniston-shaped voodoo doll just yet because according to the manager, the two didn’t drink any alcohol during their “dinner date.” Perhaps I’m just a whiskey-soaked slut, but have you ever been on a late Friday night date (with someone who was not fresh out of a 12 step program) that didn’t involve alcohol?

That may be more of a sad commentary on my romantic life than proof that these two aren’t dating, but I’m not biting on this one just yet.

Jennifer Aniston, frightening a small child on the New York City set of her movie The Baster.  I bet you five dollars she was saying something like, “Hiya honey!  Wanna hear the story of my husband Brad and how he left me?  He was so uncool!”