This may not seem like a big deal, but SmartWater spokesperson Jennifer Aniston was seen toting around a rival brand the other day and ooooooh, boy, does that piss off companies that spend millions to make sure their water is seen in the hands of stars.

Remember back in the day when Britney was shilling for Pepsi but kept Coke on her concert rider? She nearly lost her contract over that and had to sign papers saying that she wouldn’t be seen with any other soft drink. While I doubt these grainy paparazzi shots are going to get Aniston in too  much trouble, they hopefully will serve as a reminder to the star that once you sign a piece of paper saying you’ll rep a companies’ goods and take money for it, you sure as hell better make sure you hold up your end of the agreement. Big Bro is always watching, girl.

Rumors have been circulating that Jennifer Aniston is going to be hosting a talk show on Oprah’s new network, and her rep wants you to know that those rumors are completely false. Not only is Jennifer not stooping to host some lowly, pathetic cable talk show, she definitely wouldn’t do something on the advice of someone like Chelsea Handler. Aw, hell naw! Babygurl’s a star! You won’t be seeing the mug of the woman formerly known as Rachel Green hosting any sort of something something on Oprah’s bastardized cable network. Hell to the no.

The rumors started last week when someone tipped off The New York Post saying that homegirl was developing her own talk show for Oprah Winfrey Network at the advice of her girl Chelsea Handler. “She is doing this for one reason only — she absolutely wants to do it,” the source said. Well, I guess it turns out that that source was a big fat liar then, huh? Ain’t nobody putting Aniston in a premium cable corner!

OMG, OMG, OMG!  I’m hyperventilating a little bit here.  If it was Star or The Enquirer or Perez Hilton publishing this shit, I would pay it no mind.  But, gasp … sigh … sob … People is reporting that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are “enjoying their friendship.”  Do you know what “enjoying their friendship” means?  It means that John Mayer is enjoying Jennifer’s low self-esteem and Jennifer is enjoying her standard doormat position.  It means that in three months I will be sentenced to a life of writing “John and Jen Split!” stories.  Don’t these people understand how much their bad relationship choices affect me?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, when will you ever learn?  This guy is just not that into you.  Weren’t you in a movie of the same name?  Gah!

Jennifer Aniston went to Chelsea Lately last night (really? I mean, Chelsea’s fine if you’re an MTV star or Ashlee Simpson plugging Melrose Place, but Aniston? Shouldn’t she be on Conan and Letterman? ANYWAY!) and since the star was quite the score for the tiny talk show, it was announced well in advance that she would be showing up to E! to tape the show. Unfortunately, I don’t think Chelsea is too used attention from the photogs because she tells Jen that the slew of paps that showed up that morning to get a glimpse of their A-list target wound up getting an unsightly photo of Chelsea instead.

Jennifer Aniston was on Ellen yesterday and treated our ear drums to a sampling of this “singing” that she’s been threatening over the past couple weeks.  It’s a movie that’s still in pre-production, but Aniston is set to star in The Goree Girls which is a story about a female prisoner band in the 1940’s.  She’ll be playing guitar and singing.

The audience went pretty wild over her voice, which I think just proves that America is very easily entertained.  Maybe she’ll become a hit singer, win a VMA and Angelina can run up on stage during her acceptance speech and start screaming, “I’m gonna let you finish, but Brad Pitt?  He’s the best husband ever!”

Jennifer Aniston announced to Fox News this week that she’s going to be taking a break from acting. Well, a small break, anyway. Aniston claims that she’s putting her acting career to the side so she can concentrate on her other passion, failing at romantic relationships producing. Although her flick with Gerard Butler, The Bounty, just wrapped, the star already has her plate full with an assortment of films she’ll be working on from the other side of the camera for her company Echo. Don’t worry, Rachel fans! Aniston will totally be back to work as an actress as soon as the new year starts, as both of her passions will be meeting when she produces and stars in The Goree Girls this January, a musical set in the 1940s about a group of female prison inmates*.

*Yes, I’m totally serious. And yes, she says she’ll be singing in the film.

Harper’s Bazaar is running an article on Jennifer Aniston in its October issue in which the actress shares her perspectives on relationships, staying together and where it all goes wrong.

The ex-wife of Brad Pitt, ex-girlfriend of Vince Vaughn and more recently of John Mayer tells the magazine that she knows what makes a relationship fail.

“I think it’s laziness,” she says. “I think a good relationship is about collaboration. I think you just need to talk to each other. Say what you need. Say what you want. That way it’s not threatening. You just need to say, ‘This is important to me.’ Don’t expect your mate to read your mind.”

And, you know, I tend to agree with a lot of what she’s saying here.  Jen also says that women who are doing all the cooking and cleaning have no right to complain.”I think that’s because it’s just instinctual as a woman to be the caretaker of your home. Women complain that men don’t do enough, but it’s your own fault.  You train your man to do nothing. You can’t blame someone for not knowing what his or her job should be if you don’t ask for it right off the bat.”  I think most women feel that they shouldn’t have to ask; the guy should just know.  It doesn’t work that way.  Ask.

For a refreshing change, the closest Jen came to talking about her husband ex-husband, Brad Pitt, was in speaking of closure.  ”I think it’s important to have closure in any relationship that ends – from a romantic relationship to a friendship. You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and why it ended. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase,”

Okay, they aren’t engaged, but they were seen holding hands this weekend which means that a ring is obviously part of the plan.  Oh, and Jennifer has probably started fertility treatments so that she can have a baby with Butler.

Here’s the scoop:  Gerard and Jennifer had dinner together this weekend at NYC’s The Jane Hotel.  Let’s see — what else? — they had drinks and there was the aforementioned hand holding.  Clearly the evidence points to impending nuptials.

In case my sarcasm is lost in translation, I’m sure they had dinner together, held hands because they’re friends and stayed at the same hotel because they are filming The Bounty.  It’s so sad that it’s come to this, but any man that comes within 20 feet of Jennifer’s snatch is now branded in the media as “Jen’s New Beau!”

Speaking of vivid imagination, the folks over at Glamorati claim that Jen’s last “New Beau!” Bradley Cooper is recently engaged to Renee Zellweger.  Puhleeze.  Didn’t Renee already do the hasty engagement and marriage to a mildly effeminate dude that everyone whispers about?

Jennifer Aniston has been shafted by a man she was dating for another woman once again, and of course that’s gotta hurt. While it may not have been her husband Brad Pitt or on/off beau John Mayer, Bradley Cooper has left her feeling cold after ditching out on her after a promising dinner date to settle in with Renee Zellweger.

It’s not that Jen really cares all that much about Bradley, although she did think there was a bit of promise for the two of them, it’s really more that she doesn’t understand what Renee has that she doesn’t. A source close to Renee explained to Us Weekly why they think she has the edge over Jen: “She just does her thing, has her friends and her life and is cool. She’s really happy and doesn’t need anyone to feel complete.”

Ouch. As opposed to Jen, who’s flailed around town with every dude I can think of since her split with Brad. One of Aniston’s friends also told Us, “She’s used to being single and in work mode, and she’s used to rejection.” Double ouch.

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it.”

This most hypocritical quotable was brought to you by Elle.

And while I laugh hysterically, to the point of not being able to catch my breath, I’m going to huff some Primatene.

I fully admit that I’m tough on Jennifer Aniston.  I’d really have no issue with her if it wasn’t for the near-constant interviews in which she talks about Brad Pitt.  Her neediness seems only to be overshadowed by her chin.  But now she’s gone and done something really nice that I must acknowledge … and I feel a little guilty for being so harsh.

Aniston has been in New York filming the thriller The Bounty with Gerard Butler.  Over the Fourth of July weekend, she paid every crew member’s salary for the Thursday preceding the holiday so that they could have four consecutive days of vacation.  Rumor has it that she personally walked around the set telling each employee “It was my husband’s idea.”  (I’m lying about that.)  A crew member said, “Jen is such a genuinely good person.  How many people in this world would pay for an entire movie set to have off for the day? Not just anyone does that. We’re talking big bucks.”   Listen, Jennifer Aniston has big bucks — she gets paid a subsidy every episode, every market when a Friends rerun airs — but she certainly is under no obligation to share the wealth.  Therefore, I begrudgingly admit that that was a really nice, completely un-Hollywoodish thing to do.

Perhaps “I am not dating Jennifer Aniston” should be added to those little yellow books of commonly used foreign language phrases; right between “Hello” and “Where is the American Embassy?”

At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Bradley Cooper spoke to reporters and once again denied that he and Jennifer Aniston are an item.  And he did it in French. Hot.

Translated:

She’s a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She’s someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says ‘hello’ to her, it’s given that he’s fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She’s a very, very interesting woman, but she’s simply a friend.

I wonder how many times he’ll have to do this. Probably every time he has dinner with her. Or speaks to her. Or looks at her. Because if you have a penis and come within a 5 yard radius of Jennifer Aniston, you are dating her.