If you’re looking for something uplifting or inspiring, you’d best go read something else: you’ll find naught but bitterness here.

Bitterness because the fact that Jennifer Aniston is turning 41 makes me feel really, really old.

Bitterness because, at 41, she’s more attractive than my saggy 28 year old ass will ever be.

Bitterness because while I’m stuck here huddling under a blanket in the grips of  Snowtorious B.I.G. 2010 with nothing but my flaky, white, winter-ravaged skin to keep me company, her tan ass is prancing around in a bikini in fucking Cabo with Gerard Butler, Courtney Cox, and Sheryl Crow.

Can you taste that?

It’s the acrid taint of deep, bitter jealousy. Crack me a beer and pass the buffalo chicken dip– I’ve only got 14 hours (of Superbowl pregame shows) to get this taste out of my mouth.

The paparazzi caught Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom in the same car in London after the both flew into Heathrow. They exited the airport separately, but ended up getting into the same car, so now we all get to assume that they’re dating. I’ve got no idea why they’re both in London (filming a movie, maybe? I refuse to pay for IMDBPro to find out), but I hope they at least both had somewhere lovely to spend Thanksgiving, even if it was in each other’s genitals.

This may not seem like a big deal, but SmartWater spokesperson Jennifer Aniston was seen toting around a rival brand the other day and ooooooh, boy, does that piss off companies that spend millions to make sure their water is seen in the hands of stars.

Remember back in the day when Britney was shilling for Pepsi but kept Coke on her concert rider? She nearly lost her contract over that and had to sign papers saying that she wouldn’t be seen with any other soft drink. While I doubt these grainy paparazzi shots are going to get Aniston in too  much trouble, they hopefully will serve as a reminder to the star that once you sign a piece of paper saying you’ll rep a companies’ goods and take money for it, you sure as hell better make sure you hold up your end of the agreement. Big Bro is always watching, girl.

Rumors have been circulating that Jennifer Aniston is going to be hosting a talk show on Oprah’s new network, and her rep wants you to know that those rumors are completely false. Not only is Jennifer not stooping to host some lowly, pathetic cable talk show, she definitely wouldn’t do something on the advice of someone like Chelsea Handler. Aw, hell naw! Babygurl’s a star! You won’t be seeing the mug of the woman formerly known as Rachel Green hosting any sort of something something on Oprah’s bastardized cable network. Hell to the no.

The rumors started last week when someone tipped off The New York Post saying that homegirl was developing her own talk show for Oprah Winfrey Network at the advice of her girl Chelsea Handler. “She is doing this for one reason only — she absolutely wants to do it,” the source said. Well, I guess it turns out that that source was a big fat liar then, huh? Ain’t nobody putting Aniston in a premium cable corner!

OMG, OMG, OMG!  I’m hyperventilating a little bit here.  If it was Star or The Enquirer or Perez Hilton publishing this shit, I would pay it no mind.  But, gasp … sigh … sob … People is reporting that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are “enjoying their friendship.”  Do you know what “enjoying their friendship” means?  It means that John Mayer is enjoying Jennifer’s low self-esteem and Jennifer is enjoying her standard doormat position.  It means that in three months I will be sentenced to a life of writing “John and Jen Split!” stories.  Don’t these people understand how much their bad relationship choices affect me?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, when will you ever learn?  This guy is just not that into you.  Weren’t you in a movie of the same name?  Gah!

Jennifer Aniston went to Chelsea Lately last night (really? I mean, Chelsea’s fine if you’re an MTV star or Ashlee Simpson plugging Melrose Place, but Aniston? Shouldn’t she be on Conan and Letterman? ANYWAY!) and since the star was quite the score for the tiny talk show, it was announced well in advance that she would be showing up to E! to tape the show. Unfortunately, I don’t think Chelsea is too used attention from the photogs because she tells Jen that the slew of paps that showed up that morning to get a glimpse of their A-list target wound up getting an unsightly photo of Chelsea instead.

Jennifer Aniston was on Ellen yesterday and treated our ear drums to a sampling of this “singing” that she’s been threatening over the past couple weeks.  It’s a movie that’s still in pre-production, but Aniston is set to star in The Goree Girls which is a story about a female prisoner band in the 1940’s.  She’ll be playing guitar and singing.

The audience went pretty wild over her voice, which I think just proves that America is very easily entertained.  Maybe she’ll become a hit singer, win a VMA and Angelina can run up on stage during her acceptance speech and start screaming, “I’m gonna let you finish, but Brad Pitt?  He’s the best husband ever!”