Everyone is going to explode in a wave of anorexia and mangled labia.

Paris attends Jenna birthday bash at Forty-Deuce last night.

I kid, I kid. She’s all over that like Jenna Jameson on a penis. Her hair’s sporting more bleach than Jenna Jameson’s asshole.

What she might want to do is eat, though. Something besides dick, I mean. Was that too easy? Not as easy as Jenna Jameson!

Okay, okay, sorry, I’m not trying to be a total cocksucker … unlike some people I know!

I crack myself up sometimes …

Before we begin, I want to thank Evil T for doing a kick-ass job of holding this place down while I was out of town. She is a total rock star, and I have no idea what I’d do without her. Thanks T! Now, on to the links …

Wait, Tom Cruise isn’t already Jesus? [Celebslam]

Robbie Williams plans to give Elton John the gift of his penis. [Cele|bitchy]

Jared Leto and his earflaps are totally ready to throw down, bitch. [Agent Bedhead]

New pics of Scarlett. You know you’re going to click. Don’t try to fight it. [The Blemish]

Wow, Mandy Moore even depresses herself! [Celebrity Smack]

Something about Jenna Jameson, Paris Hilton, and girls who want to lose their virginity. As the premise for a television show. I can’t read any further. I feel dirty. On behalf of our country. [Pop on the Pop]

The indiest thing I have ever loved just gave birth to a little girl. Unfortunately, she had to go and ruin it by naming the kid Petah. But congrats anyway, Ani DiFranco. [CBB]

Shanna Moakler continues her image rehabilitation tour by dating Jenna Jameson’s soon-to-be ex-husband, porn producer (and sometime star) Jay Grdina. It’s neat how both Shanna and her ex-husband, Travis Barker, have managed to find new love in porn stars. [Celebslam]

Check out the video for J-Lo’s new song, “Que Hiciste.” [popbytes]

Smashing Pumpkins rocker Billy Corgan is hooking up with Certifiably Insane Recovering Heroin Addict Courtney Love. [Agent Bedhead]

Paris Hilton runs out of gas in Beverly Hills, hangs out and flips through a scrapbook while the paparazzi run to get her gas. Rough life. [NYP]

Former SNL star Chris Kattan gets engaged to some hot chick he would totally never have landed had he not found some measure of fame playing Mango and Mr. Peepers. [Pop on the Pop]

Awww…this is really cute! Total hotties Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer, who both play doctors on House M.D., are engaged. Congratulations! [Cele|bitchy]