If the NY Post is to be believed, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are set to tie the knot.  Remember how many times we were told that Jennifer Aniston was marrying Vince Vaughn/ex-husband Brad Pitt/Jason Lewis/Courteney Cox/the sperm donor of the twins she was expecting … and it’s never true.

I think that engagement rumors are the natural follow-up to pregnancy rumors.  Of course, Penelope is denying all the baby rumors and I’ve posted a picture taken of her on September 11th so you can all see how totally and completely not pregnant she is.  Ahem.

It was only August when Cruz was saying that she wasn’t sure that she believed in marriage, which could be a quote she threw out to throw the media off her track.

In conclusion, it’s way too taxing to try and figure out what’s true and what’s false with these two.  I highly suspect that there could be a head crowning out of Penelope Cruz’s snatch and we’ll still be hearing that there’s “no truth to that rumor”.

Listen, I don’t harbor Wendie’s all-consuming hatred for Julia Roberts, but Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books ever, and I’d never pictured Julia Roberts in the lead role. I was thinking of someone younger, someone more playful, more malleable. Maybe a Kate Hudson or a Rachel McAdams or a Charlize Theron. Definitely not Julia Roberts.

It occurs to me that what I’m doing here is exactly what sometimes bothers me about my own readership — I found a book that I love, that I relate to, that speaks to me, and of course now I want the main character to be exactly like me, and I’m upset that she might not be. It’s something I see in the (fabulous!) hate/complaint emails I get from my own readers. I read why they’re upset, and then it occurs to me that, mostly, they’re disappointed because I’ve said or done something that makes me less similar to them. This is what I’m doing here. I’m disappointed, because I wanted Elizabeth Gilbert to be just like me, and that’s not how Julia Roberts is going to play her.

Anyway. The bright side? Javier Bardem is going to play Felipe. SWOON! I hope he’s all like “HEADS OR TAILS LIZ???” and then shoots Julia Roberts in the head.

Total hotties Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem goof around on the red carpet at the 17th Annual Gotham Awards in Brooklyn.

Hey, Josh, why don’t you take that award off your knee and toss me over it instead? You can spank me all you want, baby.

Meet total hottie Javier Bardem, an acclaimed Spanish actor who recently made a foray into English-language films with No Country for Old Men. You’ll be seeing a lot more of him in 2008 films.

He’s also porking Penelope Cruz.

Lucky girl!

Te amo, Javier.