The Hills is coming back, kids, and I can’t wait!!!

The trailer premiered tonight, and it looks like season three has everything:

Lauren, still with headbands and adorable facial expressions! And she’s dating like a guy! And kissing foreigners!

Heidi! Now with lighter eyebrows!

Spencer! When you need something to help you throw up that pizza you shouldn’t have eaten, he’s still the next-best thing to your fingers!

Whitney! Now with an actual storyline!

Audrina! Still with no actual storyline!

And making a return this season:

Brody Jenner, sticking to the good-looks-with-no- personality-to-complicate-it M.O.!

Jason Wahler, back from rehab! And back in Lauren’s life!!!

And if you’ve been jonesing for some good old-fashioned Heidi/Lauren conflict, there appears to be a fantastic “You know what you did” scene. Someone’s been taking lessons from Paris Hilton …

The Hills premieres August 13 on MTV.

So I was never a big fan of the Jason Wahler during his time on “The Hills.” He seemed like a huge doucebag but I really have to say I respect that he realizes that rehab is serious business.

After two arrests for assault when he was under the influence Jason realized that he needed to beat his addiction with a serious treatment program.

Instead of a place like Promises where they let you gallavant around LA and still keep your name in the papers, Jason went to Chapman house which was a quiet rigorous inpatient program near his family’s home in the OC.

Britney and Lindsay should take note. Rehab is serious business kiddos.

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Rehab is the new Hyde. (Actually, I think Winston’s is the new Hyde, so maybe rehab is the new Winston’s? It’s hard to do this when the hot club changes every month.) The latest “celeb” to check in to a facility is The Hills‘ Jason Wahler, who’s really had quite a run this year. LC’s ex was sentenced to rehab instead of jail for his September 2006 arrest (that’s the one where he was in a physical altercation with a tow-truck driver). However, he still faces possible jail time for his April arrest in Seattle (that’s the one where he punched some dude in the lobby of his hotel).

“He’s doing well, and he’s going to be a new man,” says a relative. While I certainly wish him the best, I’ll believe this “success story” when he goes six months without another arrest (Jason has been arrested four times in the past year).

Jason Wahler ruins everything. The Lauren Conrad/Jason Wahler sex tape that I wanted to see oh-so-badly will not be released by SugarDVD, supposedly because the company doesn’t want to be cutting checks to Wahler after he managed to decorate his most recent arrest with a slew of racist, homophobic slurs. “We refuse to support any person who feels that it is in any way acceptable to rattle off racial slurs and slanderous language about African-American people, homosexual people and the police department,” says a rep for SugarDVD, who had previously offered $500K for the tape.

Is the porn industry sporting a heart-on? Eh, possibly. But my guess? Rumor has it the tape wasn’t anywhere near as raunchy as reported, with basically no hard-core sex. PG-13 at best. SugarDVD probably realized it wasn’t worth the $500K plus marketing costs (they’d made the offer sight-unseen) and were looking for a way to back out of the deal without losing future credibility. Whatever. I still wanted to see it. Stupid Jason Wahler. You should have gone to Paris, Lauren.

I’d make this headline “Jason Wahler Arrested (Again),” but, see, I already did that. On March 5 of this year, I ran the headline “Jason Wahler Arrested Once Again,” a minor deviation from the headline I ran in late September of last year, “Jason Wahler Arrested … Again.” I’m just going to leave the “Again” part out this time and trust that you folks have already noticed the pattern.

Jason Wahler was arrested this weekend, for the fourth time in nine months, this time in Seattle. Maybe being in Sanjaya’s hometown got him all riled up. Wahler was picked up just after 2 a.m. on Sunday for criminal trespassing and assault. Basically, he punched some guy in the lobby of his hotel. And just in case that alone wasn’t going to make the papers, Wahler opted to call the arresting officer a slew of racist and homophobic terms I don’t feel particularly comfortable repeating here, but which you can read for yourself in the incident report. Let’s just say the guy gave Mel Gibson a run for his money. He was booked at King County Jail and released about nine hours later.

This arrest comes, of course, on the heels of rumors that Wahler made a sex tape with his former Hills co-star, Lauren Conrad, and is threatening to release it before he goes to jail for his September arrest. Conrad has denied the existence of such a tape, but there’s been no comment from Wahler’s camp, most likely because they can’t find the time to issue press releases when all their time is spent bailing their client out of jail.

Lauren Conrad responded to rumors today that she made a sex tape with Jason Wahler which he is now planning to “leak.”

“There is no sex tape that exists,” says Lauren in a statement.

Awwwwwww. I hope she’s full of shit. I really really want there to be a Lauren Conrad sex tape.

Oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease tell me that girl was stupid enough to let Jason Wahler get her fucking on camera. Don’t get me wrong, I love LC, I think she’s adorable, and I’m usually rooting for her, but I have NO SYMPATHY for girls who let dudes do this. JUST DON’T DO IT, GIRLS. Especially if you’re Lauren Fucking Conrad. It is going to leak. Always, always. According to Perez, Lauren tried to break into Jason’s apartment to get the tape back, but she was unsuccessful. Jason finally agreed to give it back, but kept a copy for himself (duh). Now Jason wants to sell it before he goes to jail (for his physical altercation with a tow-truck driver). If no one will buy it, he may “leak” it online. Yay!!! I can’t wait!! That’s really what The Hills has been missing — a sex tape scandal.