Jason Wahler ruins everything. The Lauren Conrad/Jason Wahler sex tape that I wanted to see oh-so-badly will not be released by SugarDVD, supposedly because the company doesn’t want to be cutting checks to Wahler after he managed to decorate his most recent arrest with a slew of racist, homophobic slurs. “We refuse to support any person who feels that it is in any way acceptable to rattle off racial slurs and slanderous language about African-American people, homosexual people and the police department,” says a rep for SugarDVD, who had previously offered $500K for the tape.

Is the porn industry sporting a heart-on? Eh, possibly. But my guess? Rumor has it the tape wasn’t anywhere near as raunchy as reported, with basically no hard-core sex. PG-13 at best. SugarDVD probably realized it wasn’t worth the $500K plus marketing costs (they’d made the offer sight-unseen) and were looking for a way to back out of the deal without losing future credibility. Whatever. I still wanted to see it. Stupid Jason Wahler. You should have gone to Paris, Lauren.

I’d make this headline “Jason Wahler Arrested (Again),” but, see, I already did that. On March 5 of this year, I ran the headline “Jason Wahler Arrested Once Again,” a minor deviation from the headline I ran in late September of last year, “Jason Wahler Arrested … Again.” I’m just going to leave the “Again” part out this time and trust that you folks have already noticed the pattern.

Jason Wahler was arrested this weekend, for the fourth time in nine months, this time in Seattle. Maybe being in Sanjaya’s hometown got him all riled up. Wahler was picked up just after 2 a.m. on Sunday for criminal trespassing and assault. Basically, he punched some guy in the lobby of his hotel. And just in case that alone wasn’t going to make the papers, Wahler opted to call the arresting officer a slew of racist and homophobic terms I don’t feel particularly comfortable repeating here, but which you can read for yourself in the incident report. Let’s just say the guy gave Mel Gibson a run for his money. He was booked at King County Jail and released about nine hours later.

This arrest comes, of course, on the heels of rumors that Wahler made a sex tape with his former Hills co-star, Lauren Conrad, and is threatening to release it before he goes to jail for his September arrest. Conrad has denied the existence of such a tape, but there’s been no comment from Wahler’s camp, most likely because they can’t find the time to issue press releases when all their time is spent bailing their client out of jail.

Lauren Conrad responded to rumors today that she made a sex tape with Jason Wahler which he is now planning to “leak.”

“There is no sex tape that exists,” says Lauren in a statement.

Awwwwwww. I hope she’s full of shit. I really really want there to be a Lauren Conrad sex tape.

Oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease tell me that girl was stupid enough to let Jason Wahler get her fucking on camera. Don’t get me wrong, I love LC, I think she’s adorable, and I’m usually rooting for her, but I have NO SYMPATHY for girls who let dudes do this. JUST DON’T DO IT, GIRLS. Especially if you’re Lauren Fucking Conrad. It is going to leak. Always, always. According to Perez, Lauren tried to break into Jason’s apartment to get the tape back, but she was unsuccessful. Jason finally agreed to give it back, but kept a copy for himself (duh). Now Jason wants to sell it before he goes to jail (for his physical altercation with a tow-truck driver). If no one will buy it, he may “leak” it online. Yay!!! I can’t wait!! That’s really what The Hills has been missing — a sex tape scandal.

Ever wondered what those other dudes from Season 1 of “The Hills” who were buddy buddy with Jason were doing now that their brief moment of fame has ended? We just thought that they were playing nice with Jason for the cameras, but in this moving music video tribute we see that they are saddened by Jason’s recent move to prison.

I find it funny that they a) refrence PerezHilton so they can get on the site b) are “actors” yet have resorted to making YouTube parody videos and c) shower naked together in the video.

• Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you’d forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.
• Laguna Beach’s Jason Wahler was arrested — again — on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:

JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you’re not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I’ll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don’t you (sniff) know who I am?
DOTO: …
JASON: (sniff)
TTD: …
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
And scene.

• John Mayer’s blog entry from yesterday is genius.

Update: I’m so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can’t keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?