ANTM alums Jaslene Gonzalez and Caridee English battle it out for Least Photogenic at the Lucky book party in NYC.

Tyra Banks should be ashamed. If you’re going to unleash these creatures upon society after anointing them famous, Tyra, at least hire stylists for them. Someone needs to wake you from your slumber one night with a phone call and say, “Ty-Ty, I have some bad news. Are you sitting down? Do you have someone there with you in case you can’t hold up the phone after I tell you this? Okay. Because Caridee is wearing knee-high socks and Jaslene is wearing a wrap made from the fur of an animal that doesn’t actually exist on Earth. I know, baby. I know. Cry it out.”

Because, listen, Tyra: this is a nightmare I live with every single day. You may have better things to do than look at the photos these girls take after their cycles end, but many of us in this industry have to keep looking at them. Have some respect for us.

You be the judge.

What is this, sweetheart?

It broke my heart to let you go, but I see now that I dodged a bullet.

I still love you, baby. Blake Lively and I are very, very happy, and I just want what’s best for you. And those boots, baby? They’re what’s best for, like, gay coal miners.

And your boobs look absolutely adorable in this dress. But, see, the thing is, as an adult woman, you don’t want your boobs to look adorable. Eleven-year-old girls have adorable boobs. It’s, like, “Aw, look how she’s put tennis balls in the training bra. That’s adorable.”

Get it together, baby doll.

ANTM winner Jaslene Gonzalez — who some of you might also recognize as the lesbian love of my life — made an appearance at the 2nd Annual Entertainers 4 Education Alliance Stay In School event.

Look at my girlfriend, always do-gooding!

I sure do know how to pick women.

Although whoever did her make-up for this needed to stay in beauty school another year or so. I am not digging the nude lipstick with the rest of the look. It doesn’t do her chin any favors.

After a brief absence from the spotlight, the lesbian love of my life is back in photographs!!!

Jaslene Gonzalez hosted at Aura Nightclub at Atlantis over the weekend.

She’s still skinny as hell, but it looks like she’s put on some weight since June, when these pictures had me really worried.

She looks hot as hell!!!

I love you, Jaslene!!!

I stood up for her for a long time, saying she was naturally thin, but I think even I have to back down now. These pics were taken at Mansion in Miami late last night. She pretty much looks like a bobble-head doll. She was not this thin on the show, you guys. She was thin, but not anorexia thin. This is anorexia thin. She has definitely lost weight since, which seems impossible, considering how damn thin she was to begin with. Oh, Jaslene!!! We can never have our torrid lesbian love affair if you get all ED-ugly. Please eat and be pretty and adorable and cha-cha diva again!!!

Yes, I think we can.

Because it is bullshit, people.

Listen up, Seventeen, I don’t know who’s heading up your Atoosa-less ship these days, but if you’re gonna get all that publicity off of ANTM, you sure as hell better be ready to step up and give its winner her own cover. Especially when it’s my beloved Jaslene Gonzalez.

Seventeen did two covers for their July issue — a “bonus,” as they claim — but the one they’re promoting is the one with Jessica Alba on it. Don’t get me wrong, I like Jessica Alba just fine, but I think that if Jaslene was promised the cover of Seventeen magazine, she should get that cover, and not one-half of it (and one-tenth the promotion) just because someone at Hearst is taking heat for newsstand numbers.

Anyway, Jessica Alba’s been traipsing around NYC promoting her new Fantastic Four film and her cover, so where are the pics of my Jaslene??? You can check out some of the shots from her Seventeen cover shoot here.